On May 13, 2008, I, Maddy Avena discovered yoga podcasts. Yes it's true. "Podcast" was a hum I heard on the peripheral edges of my awareness, but I didn't relate to it in my life. Lately, in my home practice I've been prefering taking my now three Shiva Rea CD sets and mixing different flows from them. I like it because I get to situate myself in the choicest spot in the very small area I have to work within and I know the flows, the poses and their names, how to flow into and out of them, as I come up on my 4th anniversary of having a yoga practice.
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
I've Been Inspired in a Techno Yoga Sort of Way
Saturday, May 10, 2008
Pacha Mama's Performance at the Willits Methodist Church
I am so very proud of my drum students. We had our second performance at the Willits Methodist church last Sunday for the monthly Soul Cafe and may I just say that Pacha Mama blew the roof off of the Methodist Church. We have yet to be the headliner act and have our picture on the poster, but I can see that that may be coming next year. Including me there were 12 of us; ranging in age from 12 to 62. The more advanced students, my Tuesday class all performed with just one person declining.
We performed our signature piece Kpatcha (pronounced Pacha), a five bell part using the double bells from Ghana called Gonkogui bells. We started the piece in the entryway and marched up the aisle onto the stage, all playing Part 1, then on my call broke into the five parts.
After playing Kpatcha, my four valient beginners who dared to perform came on stage and we played our favorite 6/8 rhythm called Yan Valu. I admit, we had a "plant" in the audience; the lithesome Melinda Clarke, local dance teacher, got up and started dancing and encouraging others to get up and dance. Many of our friends were in the audience and they immeditately complied. There were 20 or more people dancing in front of the stage and in the aisles. The old school church ladies sat stiffly in varying amounts of horror, but I think they got over it and if not? It wasn't church, it was The Soul Cafe; Bringing the Communinty Together Through the Spirt of Music and that's what we did!
I couldn't stop Yan Valu after 5 minutes of playing, as I had promised the beginner students, because the dancing was just too wonderful but at about 7 minutes it was time to move on. One of my beginner students, the amazing Rosie, stayed on for Haitian Merengue and the other three left the stage. We switched to the higher energy 4/4 rhythm and more people got up to dance. The best part of all for me was that Starr, my most long term student and I were to improvise off each other; me on two drums and she on three drums, standing and playing with sticks. After 1/2 a year of trying to teach my Tuesday (advanced) class how to improvise and move towards soloing, my shining Starr did so and did it in style. We tore the roof off the Methodist Church in that 7 minutes. The energy was so high I felt like I was flying.
As usual, all the stress of getting ready for our 15 minutes (literally) of fame; which was 2 months of Friday rehearsals was rewarded in an exhilirating experience, I do believe for all involved in the long road leading to the performance.
And True Grit doesn't begin to cover it: Lily sprained her hand two weeks before the performance and played anyway. Tara, who's been battling staph pushed through. Rosie and Linda came to every rehearsal and class from an hour away in two different directions. And the core of Pacha Mama; Starr, Louise, Kimball, Lily, PJ, Kathy, Tara and myself rode again; each time getting more solid; each time growing as a group.One of the sweetest parts of all of it is that I started a Send a Drum Sister To Camp fundraising project to raise scholarship money for any of my students who want to go to Born To Drum Women's Drum camp this July and we raised $144 at our performance, raising the fund to $250 so far. That money will make the difference for some students to go to camp vs not being able to consider it.
My vision of 1) birthing a drum circle and 2) creating a Willits Women's Conga Conspiracy is coming more and more manifest. And I believe our drumming heals something in the hearts and spirits of all who experience us. Including us. Blessed Be!
Friday, May 02, 2008
What Was (to me) a Sobering Truth About Maintaining
The Weight Watcher's site has an illuminating article about exercise titled,
"Exercise Recommendations for Calorie-Burning Activity"
I'm just going to copy and paste the entire article here in my blog and hope the Corporation doesn't sue me for sharing free information. For acknowledgment purposes, the original article can be linked to here.
APRIL, 2006 - People often ask, "How much exercise should I be doing?" While this seems like a straightforward question, the answer is, "It depends on what you're trying to achieve." Exercise recommendations vary depending on the desired benefit. For example, the amount of exercise required for lasting weight loss and cardiovascular benefits is considerably more than the amount needed for general health benefits like lower blood pressure and stress reduction.
Right here the "ahas" started for me. I've been maintaining my goal weight with normal small ups and downs for over two years now. However, the amount and intensity level of the exercise I get has increased steadily over that time. Sometimes I have wondered where my "ceiling" is; meaning, how far can I go? How much can I push? Is it a finite amount? Have I already reached it? Am I working my body towards wearing out knees, elbows, shoulders, ankles? Is the intensity of the cardio I do good for my heart or bad?
While this article doesn't answer those questions, it does give parameters for how much a person has to workout to maintain their weight loss. I think this information is key for me not regaining my weight. I do lots of maintenance care to my joints now so that they can continue to carry me on my fitness journey for a long time to come, because the truth is that I love to eat and I am sure not eating like I did on the weight loss program. How I needed to eat to lose wasn't a set of conditions that I was readily going to choose for how I would relate to food for the rest of my life. I am a person to whom food is a great pleasure, love on a plate, art, communion with the life force and quite frankly, something I think an inordinate amount about. I don't want to change that about how I live my life. I was willing to not eat pasta for 2 years to lose. I was willing to eat huge volumes of vegetables and ration my bread. But I found that willingness with a codicil which was: This is how I get thin. This is not, cannot be how I stay thin! So therein comes my fitness program; this ever evolving, changing, growing part of my daily life. I will confess to sometimes looking at my heart rate monitor as I'm running up a long hill counting off the cookie calories I ate the night before. Burn 81 calories, "There's one cookie," Burn another 81 calories, "There's another cookie," and so on. And so far so good. It's working. I'm holding pretty darned steady at 150+/-. And that's right where I want to be.
(Below, is the article in total with footnotes at the bottom.)
Health Benefits
According to the Surgeon General's Report and the 2005 Dietary Guidelines for Americans, adults can derive the general health benefits from doing at least 30 minutes of moderate intensity activity (e.g. brisk walking, biking) most days of the week.1 For most people, this level of activity translates into burning around 150-200 calories per exercise session.
Weight Management Benefits
For weight loss, the American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM) recommends 200-300 minutes or 2000 calories per week. This translates into 60 minutes of daily activity and burning around 300-400 calories per exercise session.2,3
To prevent weight regain, the Dietary Guidelines for Americans relied on a growing body of research to make the recommendation of 60-90 minutes of daily moderate-intensity activity, burning around 400-500 calories per exercise session. This level of activity was also found among those enrolled in the National Weight Control Registry (NWCR). Participants in the Registry, which includes individuals who have lost at least 30 pounds and kept it off for more than a year, report expending over 2,500 calories per week doing physical activity which also translates into burning around 400-500 calories per exercise session.
To prevent excess weight gain, the International Association for the Study of Obesity (IASO) recommends 45-60 minutes of moderate intensity activity each day. The Dietary Guidelines have similar goals, recommending 60 minutes of moderate-to-vigorous-intensity activity on most days of the week. 4 Not all studies support this high of a goal, however. A 2004 study found that 30 minutes of moderate intensity activity (the equivalent of walking 12 miles per week) was sufficient to prevent weight gain.5
Fitness Benefits
Many people believe that being physically active automatically equates to cardiovascular fitness. To optimize fitness levels, the body must be regularly stressed to reach peak physical condition. To become physically fit, the ACSM recommends a comprehensive activity plan which includes 30-45 minutes of vigorous activity at least three days a week for cardio-respiratory fitness, regular stretching for joint flexibility, and resistance training to maintain muscular strength and endurance. These recommendations mean burning 500 calories or more per exercise session.
The Bottom Line
Exercise goals depend on personally-determined health goals and abilities. When beginning an exercise program, a good strategy is to start with the recommendations for health benefits, then progress through the different recommendations until the desired outcome is achieved.
FOOTNOTES
1 Surgeon General's Report on Physical Activity and Health.
2Jakicic JM, Clark K, Coleman E, Donnelly JE, Foreyt J, Melanson E, Volek J, Volpe SL; American College of Sports Medicine. American College of Sports Medicine position stand. Appropriate intervention strategies for weight loss and prevention of weight regain for adults. Med Sci Sports Exerc. 2001 Dec;33(12):2145-56.
3Jakicic JM, Otto AD. Physical activity considerations for the treatment and prevention of obesity. Am J Clin Nutr. 2005 Jul;82(1 Suppl):226S-229S.
4Saris WH, Blair SN, van Baak MA, Eaton SB, Davies PS, Di Pietro L, Fogelholm M, Rissanen A, Schoeller D, Swinburn B, Tremblay A, Westerterp KR, Wyatt H. How much physical activity is enough to prevent unhealthy weight gain? Outcome of the IASO 1st Stock Conference and consensus statement. Obes Rev. 2003 May;4(2):101-14.
5Cris A. Slentz, PhD; Brian D. Duscha, MS; Johanna L. Johnson, MS; Kevin Ketchum, MS; Lori B. Aiken, BS; Gregory P. Samsa, PhD; Joseph A. Houmard, PhD; Connie W. Bales, PhD, RD; William E. Kraus, MD Effects of the Amount of Exercise on Body Weight, Body Composition, and Measures of Central Obesity. Arch Intern Med. 2004;164:31-39.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
More on Food Preparedness: The Pantry
Yesterday I listed some of the things in my vegan pantry and refrigerator; mostly things that I make but you don't have to make; that you can buy too, that help to quickly throw something together for a fabulous meal that actually represents and tastes like many hours spent in the kitchen.
I stopped at pantry staples, so I'm going to list the things in my pantry that are my go-to items with some regularity.
- flours: white, whole wheat pastry, garbanzo, cornmeal
- baking: baking powder and soda, cocoa powder, molasses, raw sugar, chocolate chips
- vinegars: balsamic, white, cider and rice
- sweetners: agave, maple syrup, raw sugar, molasses
- pastas: from spaghetti to little shells, about 5 different kinds. I like Barilla pasta. It comes in great shapes
- Israeli couscous (that's the big kind that you have to boil), regular couscous
- grains: basmati, brown and arborio rice, barley, quinoa
- quick oats
- spices and herbs: Mexican: chili powder, cumin, lime juice; Indian: curry, turmeric, garam masala, ginger, Asian; five spice, tamari, ginger; Italian: thyme, Italian herb blend, garlic and onion powder, Kosher salt, black pepper, bay leaf, parsley; Baking: nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, allspice, clove, vanilla extract (These are my most "go to" herbs and spices)
- unhulled sesame seeds, salt, cashews, almonds, pecans
- nutritional yeast
- corn starch
- green and red lentils, garbanzos, navy and cannellini beans, adzuki beans (dried)
- summer veggies dehydrated and stored in jars. (corn kernels, green beans and summer squash is what I have now) dried wild mushrooms.
- kelp powder, nori seaweed
- wine both red and white
- Vitasoy Light soymilk (my favorite for sauces and baking), light coconut milk
- Refrigerated: tahini, peanut and cashew butters, kalamata olives, sundried tomatoes in oil, vital wheat gluten
- Frozen: spinach, peas, blueberries
These are the basic staples in my pantry, refrigerator and freezer. With these things added to the list of yesterday, I can, with the addition of fresh produce, make just about anything.
Monday, April 21, 2008
Some Thoughts on Preparing Food and Preparedness in General
I've been contemplating something for my book but the days have just spun by and I haven't opened a Word document to record anything, so maybe it'll work here. I don't know why this format works for me so much better, inspires me so much more than the totally insular MS Word or pen and paper in a real journal; something I haven't done in so many years, I sincerely doubt I can....I've lost the ability to write with a pen anything more complex than quick notes and grocery lists. It's as if my creative pathways need my ten fingers and both my hands to express. And I think that's OK, just another of life's mysteries to ponder, but I digress (she says as she sees in her mind's eye a Maddylion circling around the subject that wants to be at hand.)
I've been thinking about food; cooking vegan food in particular. I make amazing food. It is my artform and I know that everyone isn't as easy in the kitchen as I am, nor do they run as high of a success percentage as I do. I read stories of cooking flops on the veggieboard regularly and I watch my nearest and dearest fumble in the kitchen to create something that I perceive as rather simple. And I know I am blessed with a talent and an ability, in terms of creating food, to see in three dimensions, maybe four and I know this is a gift. So I'm allegedly writing a book of my journey to weightloss and maintenance including a cookbook and I doubt my ability to reach a wide audience because this comes so easily to me and I know it doesn't to everyone or even most people.
So I've been looking at the mechanics of what I do with food and keep circling back to this pre-preparing thing that I do. If I do something almost every day, there are always base ingredients already prepared in my refrigerator or pantry for me to easily draw on to create a meal. I totally believe in the maxim Work smart not hard, and let my wonderful kitchen appliances do most of the work. I'm a great proponant of letting the stove or the oven cook dinner while I do something else. Standing over a stove to "stir constantly" is really something I don't spend a whole lot of time on. I also think that preparedness can create a Saturday night "for company" quality meal on a Wednesday night after teaching drum class until 5:00. So here's a list of some of the things that I regularly have on hand and what I do to have or create them. Not all of these things are or need to be home made. I just like home made things better because I get to choose what's in them and what they taste like.
Bread crumbs: I love making gratins. Breadcrumbs are essential for gratins. If I don't happen to have stale ciabatta bread around, then I'll just take out 4 slices of Rudi's multigrain oat bread, let them sit out for the day and get stale, or cut them into cubes and bake for 30 minutes in a 200 degree oven and then let the cubes sit out until all the bread is hard and crunchy. I do the same with stale ciabatta, but you don't need ciabatta to make breadcrumbs. Regular sandwich bread will work in a pinch. Once the bread is hard and stale, I put the cubes in my little Braun hand chopper and zip them up into crumbs. These crumbs then go in a mason jar in the pantry. Jar must be absolutely dry inside. Crumbs will last for months.
Beans: This isn't necessarily a make from scratch for me. Quick cooking legumes like lentils are a staple in my pantry and a lovely dal or other lentil dish can be whipped up in less than an hour unlike most other beans. So I "cheat" and have many cans of beans of different types in my pantry. Staples are Pinto, Black, Garbanzo and some kind of White beans. With a can of Garbanzos, a grrl can whip up falafels in very short order. With a can of Pintos, a grrl can create a Mexican meal, with a can of White beans a grrl can add texture and protein to a baked pasta or whip up a yummy garlic, lemon dip or sandwich filling. I buy canned organic beans on sale and rarely pay more than $1 for a 15 oz can.
Vegetable Broth: Making my own vegetable broth has become an essential. I control what veggies go in the broth and that totally affects the taste of any seitan projects I endeavor as well as how a soup or sauce or stew will taste. Vegetable broth is easy: Big pot, lots of alliums (onions and garlic; onions cut in half, garlic crushed, no need to peel, 3 or more carrots broken into pieces, a rib or two of celery, a handful of dried parsley, a bay leaf, some salt, some olive oil, about six cups of water, and some dried wild mushrooms if you are so inclined. Simmer for an hour or two on the back burner. Strain, squeeze out vegetables before discarding and voila! Easy, inexpensive and very very useful in the pre-prepare context.
Seitan: I make my own, but again, if this isn't how you can spend your time, there are many choices out there to buy prepackaged. For me, making seitan is an artform and I am now making it from a recipe that actually takes 3 hours from start to finish; with one hour being the dough resting and 1 1/2 hours being the seitan simmering, but a good half hour to prepare the dough if you are starting from scratch with the vegetable broth already made (see above). If you are making your own vegetable broth, which to me is essential as how you flavor your broth totally affects the taste of your seitan, then you've got a half day project. But don't let that daunt you. Setting up a vegetable broth to simmer takes about 5 minutes and then the stove does all the work. Having seitan already made, sitting in its lovely broth in my fridge gives me a quick, low fat protein to throw into whatever I choose, make "pulled seitan", barbeque sandwiches, breaded and fried slices with lemon, chopped and sauted in cumin and chili peppers for burrito "meat"....the possibilities are vast. And the broth the seitan has cooked in is a great base for sauces.
Seitan Sausages: Much easier to make than traditional seitan are seitan sausages. I admit, I use more oil in them than when I started because the oil just makes the texture "right", but still I'm not going into cardiac arrest land with 2 Tbsp of olive oil instead of 1 spread out over 6 servings. Seitan sausages benefit from strongly flavored broth. For the Italian style, I use a very garlicy broth with tomatoes cooked in it. For Asian style, a gingery, oniony broth works well. For breakfast sausages, a more all-around veggie broth works great. I make the Italian style most often as I do seem to cook more Italian/Mediterranean style dishes than anything else and I just like them the best. Seitan sausage dough is made similarly to traditional seitan (with the addition of different things: tomato sauce for the Italian, minced shiitakes and ginger powder for the Asian, maple syrup for the breakfast style), but instead of simmering in stock, you roll them into sausage lengths (2 servings per sausage) and roll tightly in heavy duty foil and bake for an hour in a 325 oven, turning once. On a Tuesday night, when drum class students don't all leave sometimes until close to 7:00, it is so easy to throw together a vegan pizza with a pizza shell, homemade tomato sauce, roasted veggies and some Italian seitan sausages, cut into coins.
Roasted Vegetables: I can easily eat a whole eggplant as a snack if the slices were peeled and roasted with a little olive oil spray and salt. I regularly roast eggplant and zucchini together and have on hand to throw on a pizza, toss into a baked pasta or add to a burrito. I roast in a 350 convection oven, but a 375 regular oven works just fine. I take cookie sheets, spray them with Spectrum organic olive oil spray, then lay out the veggies, spray with oil spray and sprinkle with salt: eggplant peeled and sliced 1/2", zucchini slices a little smaller than 1/2", cremini mushrooms halved or quartered if they are very big, baby carrots, whole, broccoli and cauliflower cut into med/small sized florets, to name a few things. You can roast onions, asparagus, garlic, some people I know roast kale....I've not tried that. What I've observed is that zucchini and eggplant take 15 minutes on one side, then I flip them and roast for another 10 minutes on the other side. Cauliflower and broccoli take about 10 minutes total, maybe 15 depending on how large your florets are. They need to be stirred/turned once too. Mushrooms and asparagus take 10 minutes and they're done. Baby carrots take about 10 minutes and need to be turned once. Onions take about 20, turned once. Roasted veggies can be stored in the refrigerator for several days.
Tomato Sauce and Canned Tomatoes: OK, I garden. I grow lots of tomatoes. I spend the entire month of September canning and the bulk of that canning is tomato sauce and roasted, canned tomatoes. You don't need a garden to do canning; just a good source of tomatoes in the peak of their season, which here in Northern CA is late summer, usually September. The easiest sauce and way to can tomatoes that I know of is to roast the tomatoes. I thank my veggieboard friend Lauren forever for this easy recipe: Cut tomatoes into wedges and fill several baking pans. You can put sliced eggplant, zucchini, onions, garlic and basil, or any combination of these things UNDER the tomatoes while they roast. Sprinkle with salt. Roast in a 250 degree oven for about 2 1/2 hours. You don't have to do anything except turn the top tomatoes under if you wish, but you don't have to. A little char on the top adds magic to the final product. After 2 1/2 hours, the tomatoes should be carmelizing on top and the liquid that cooking created has reduced some. If you're canning them as tomatoes, you're done: Put into prepared pint jars and can in a hot water bath for 20 mintues. For sauce, you're simply going to pour the tomatoes into a large sauce pan, cook down until liquid reduces by 1/3 and zip up with your immersion blender, or do it the old fashioned way by pouring into a food processor or blender and zipping up until smooth. Then can by pouring hot sauce into prepared pint jars and immersing in a hot water bath for 20 minutes. (The canning instructions are vague, I know. PLEASE get a simple canning book so you do it right and don't spoil your hard work. Sunset publishes a great How-To canning book. It's the only one I've ever owned or needed.)
And if you just don't have the time for this sort of work, then keeping some cans of whole tomatoes and jars of fat free tomato sauce on hand is very useful.
So let's call this the end of Part I of Cooking Preparedness. There is a lot more, but more basic pantry supplies that I can just list out, I'll do another time. It's becoming a lovely day out there and I need to get my shoes on and go hike.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
A Followup on My Gestalt with my Inner Teenager and My Body
I was successful in my endeavor to eschew extra chocolate, soy lattes and Sahale snacks (as per my request in my letter to my inner teenager and my body). All the parts of self had really agreed to do this and by the next Wednesday, I was right ON 150 and the next week I was down to 149 where I have been for my last two weigh ins. When I saw the 150.zip, my inner teenager insisted on getting on the scale about ten more times to see if 149.8 would stick, because that was where the treats could resume. No dice. I could see her shrug her shoulders, stuff her hands in her pockets and walk away. Compliance can be such a beautiful thing when done in the style of a teenager.
But then something else happened. My drum teacher Carolyn Brandy was coming the weekend of April 5th and 6th to hold the rescheduled workshop that we had cancelled due to Tara's surgery and after all the stress I'd been under, it was no surprise to me that I felt like I'd been invaded by a respiratory bug. My yoga teacher and another student in class had it and despite all my immunity boosters and my own rock solid immune system, I was invaded. What I've noticed over the past 10 or so years is that when I get a respiratory bug, I very rarely get sneezing and nose blowing and ear stuff....it goes right for my chest and I get bronchitis.
I was holding my own and the weekend was a blast, despite my prevailing exhaustion that I attributed to this bug. Besides waking in the morning with a sore throat every day, I didn't seem to be getting worse. I attribute that to Zicam zinc nasal gel which I had been using religiously since feeling invaded. However, I did feel that creeping towards my chest feeling that in the past so easily turns into bronchitis.
On Sunday, someone passed me a joint and I said, "No thanks. I don't think it's a good idea for me to smoke today." I'm a regular smoker of the sacred herb and haven't taken a break from it in many years. The next day on our ROARS group the weekly challenge was about pulling weeds in your garden. What is something you do that keeps you from your creativity, your success, your full engagement in your life? For the person throwing the challenge, it was TV. For someone else it was the All or Nothing Lizard. For me, since I was already one day on a marijuana fast, I decided to keep going; to not smoke for the rest of the week.
I laugh at myself now, (the teenager again) who pointed out that since we started on Sunday instead of Monday, we only had to go through Saturday night, not Sunday night. And so I embarked on what has been the longest fast from my nighttime relaxing, softening-the-edges-of-things-agent since I was about 18. Why did I choose this "weed"? Partly because I'd been thinking about it for a while and I think I needed to prove to myself that I could. I've proved so many things to myself over these past 4+ years and I do truly like being in growth even if it's hard. If I waited to have less stress in my life to remove one of my perceived stress relievers, I'd probably be waiting for a long time. And it just felt right. It just felt like a good thing to do. And so I did.
The week came and went and I learned many things. I learned that the thought of not smoking my few puffs at night was far worse than actually not doing it. I learned that the only time I had a craving was in those hours that were where my habit lived; between 7:00 and 9:00 pm. I learned that the cravings were just cravings and they passed. This was NOTHING like quitting tobacco and certainly nothing like trying to quit caffeine, an endeavor I have never been successful at and frankly hope I never have to. I concluded that smoking MJ was a habit, not an addiction of the body and that any dependence that I thought I had on it was mostly psychological. And that realization was a relief. It leaves me feeling a certain amount of liberation. And I think the trickiest thing I learned is that the story I have been telling myself as to why I use MJ just isn't true: I have been telling myself that MJ softens my edges that tend to get ragged and sharp by the end of the day. That in the Way of Maddy, which is to go pretty deeply into many aspects of my life, I needed to soften those edges. The truth is, during these stressful times a hot bath, a hot tub, some TV, a book or just going to bed early goes the distance to soothe those edges. I learned that not smoking didn't really do anything to enhance my creativity and my productivity; that once I hit the after dinner hours, my body and brain were winding down regardless. And a nice side effect of this fast? I've been doing a whole lot less night time eating which has resulted in the loss my inner teenager has been waiting for. I'm back under 150 lbs and we've been joyfully stopping at the coffee place this week and enjoying our soy lattes again.
And one more teenager thing: When I said I hadn't really taken a break from smoking since I was 18, I was a teenager at 18, on my own in San Francisco, living my dream of being a hippie (albeit in the late '70's) who, when offered a smoke would toss my head arrogantly and reply, "No thanks. I'm high on life."
PS: It's day 12 and I am still not smoking. Have I "quit"? I don't feel like that is the paradigm I'm operating in. It feels like when I started eating vegan, I started by saying, "I think I'll have a vegan day today," That way there was no failure. There was no "blowing it." There was just a choice I was making day by day. I made a commitment for one week that has turned into "I'll think I'll eschew smoking tonight," and those nights, surprisingly to me, keep stringing together.
All and all it's been a good thing to do and I am grateful for whatever it is in me that allows me to learn/grow/change.
It's FINALLY (er, ALMOST) Spring!
Last Saturday it was in the 80's. Sunday it was in the high 70's. I thought Spring has really graced us, but Sunday night, just 500 ft higher than my 2000 ft, it snowed or hailed depending on where you were. Where we were it was just dang cold and there has been frost every morning since Monday.
But that's not what I'm writing about. I'm writing about the change of seasons intersecting with reaching into a drawer of summer clothes, namely last year's new long shorts that Tara had bought me, pulling them out, having my heart rate increase slightly as I approached the moment of truth: It's been six months since these shorts have zipped up over my hips. Will they still zip up in a nice way? Have I truly maintained over this long, long, complicated winter?
I took a deep breath. I stepped in with my right foot, then my left. I pulled them up. I reached for the zipper and up it came, snap closing and voila! Just as perfectly hugging my behind as they were the last time I wore them in about October. After the feeling the sweet relief of my mind's eye matching my outer world, I did a little victory dance and then had to go run out and tell my wife.
Thursday, April 03, 2008
Some Gestalt: Another Letter to My Parts
Dear Body and Inner Teenager,
Let me just say that I dearly love you both. I feel, however, that I must address some behavior that has been going on since you two have been in cahoots.
Body, I know you are really wise and you have worked so very hard to be happy and healthy. I feel that I must remind you the price you/we must pay for you to keep this vibrancy, slimness and health that you/we now enjoy.
Body, we need to rein in the snacking. It's getting out of control. In the last few weeks you've consumed a fair number of soy lattes. That's about 8 oz of full fat soy milk per drink. That's over 100 calories that have been added to our repetoire. And the Sahale snacks. Yes. They are delicious and habit forming and yes, you have been very good in only eating them one serving in a sitting which is commendable. HOWEVER, each serving is an extra 130 calories that seem to have been added to our repetoire. And the chocolate: It's FINE to have ONE serving of chocolate a day. That's our agreement, but one serving of Chocolove 70% is 160 calories and then adding a serving of chocolate chips is another 70 calories and adds up to more than 1 serving a day. So right there is a potential 300 extra calories which includes a lot of extra fat a day that are contributing to this slow gain we've been experiencing. Can we make a deal? Let's cut all three of those things out: latte, Sahale snacks and extra chocolate until we get back under the magic number of 150. Once we're under we can have ONE extra a day. Not two and not three and not every day. Agree? Good.
And inner teenager. I love you more vastly and hugely than I could ever express. You are the No-no Grrl and the spice in my life is so much of your doing. And I'm happy that you have such a good best friend in Body, but I have to ask you to stop daring Body to push the edges with food every day. Please stop this double dog dare thing you've been doing. She/I/we can't afford to start an upward weight spiral.
I want to gently but firmly ask you to push some different edges like going new places and doing new things. Remember our old deal? Push edges outward, not inward. Inward is sabotage. Outward is questioning the way things are. The latter is good. The former does us harm. If you're bored, talk to me. Tell me what you'd like and I'll see if I can manage it. I have to ask you to stop encouraging Body to be a No-no. That is behavior I can't allow.
I'd like to reiterate that I dearly love and cherish both of you and don't want you to feel bad about yourselves because you are truly good, right and beautiful. It's just this behavoir I'm noticing that needs to shift and I know you can both do that.
Thank you both.
love,
Maddy
Saturday, March 29, 2008
Almost Five Weeks Since Surgery
Monday will be five weeks. Tara has completed one month and has begun her second month of recovery from her vaginally assisted laproscopic hysterectomy.
She is starting her second round of Septra for the antibiotic resistant staph infection she got in the hospital.
She is starting to experience the hormone crash that we now know is pretty customary a month out from a complete hysterectomy.
She has been repeatedly humbled by how not ready her body is to reingage with her full and complicated life.
And I am so very tired.
My house is getting more and more messy and cluttered.
The proverbial "to do" list just gets longer and longer.
I am earning income for two and the fact that I've been able to do that is a gift, as I work on commission, and I am grateful for the blessing of this, but I'm tired.
I'm tired of being on yellow alert.
I'm tired of no sex.
I'm tired of doing all the chores that I can manage which is twice as much as I usually do.
And my heart breaks for my beloved who is finally feeling in her emotional body the loss of her reproductive organs.
I'm tired of being angry at her parents for not keeping her safe and healthy as a child which is what has led to every physical prices she has had to pay as an adult which of course includes her kidney removal 3 years ago and this hysterectomy almost five weeks ago.
I want us to get to have a long, happy life together.
I'm tired of being scared that that is not going to happen because her body is not up to the endeavor.
The flush of relief and gratitude that flooded me when I was told that there was no cancer is merely an intellectual memory now. I am tired, tired, tired.
I am tired of people emailing me and asking me how Tara is. I told someone I dearly love and respect in an email last night that I didn't really want to engage the question and she should email Tara and ask her directly. Until that moment, I hadn't realized the depth of my feeling invisible and my resentment at continuing to be some kind of point person to tell people how Tara is doing.
I feel childish and selfish to want people to see me and ask if they can do anything for me. And because I feel childish and selfish, I don't ask for it and I just keep plodding along.
"Oh my goodness! Thanks for asking! I sure could use someone to come in and deep clean my house! I sure could use someone to do some heavy gardening work that my back just can't handle. I sure could use a day at the beach with you, my friend, walking for miles, having a meal out and just talking and being light and easy. I sure could use that. Thanks for asking."
I want Ellie to come out here from PA and spend a week with me: going to Harbin and spending time here too; going to do that walk on the beach and the meal out, go shopping in Ft. Bragg, etc.
But most of all I want Tara to be well and whole. I want her to come to peace about her loss and start the next phase of healing which is learning how to support her body and live vibrantly without a uterus, a cervix, fallopian tubes or ovaries. I want us to be able to have our sex life back. I want her to be able to reingage fully and joyfully with her one beautiful life and with me.
I want to stop being so very tired.
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Recipe Time! Best Seitan Ever!
It's been a very long time since I posted a recipe. Why? Because I tell myself I'm writing a cookbook and I am entering and storing recipes on Sparkpeople.com's recipe builder webpage instead of here. I give some things I've created away on the Weight Watchers Veggieboard, but have stopped doing it here it seems. This recipe for home made seitan in not my creation, but I did make it and it is truly the best textured and flavored seitan I've ever had. I'm going to post it with the alterations I made due to ingredients on hand and practicality, but let it suffice to say that Rachmouse from the Veggieboard first posted this about a week ago. I don't know where she got it, so I'm sourcing as well as I can.
This is a long process that can happen in two clearly different steps: The vegetable broth and the seitan. Here are my recipes for both. The broth is my own creation.
Very Rich Vegetable Broth
Ingredients:
8 cups water
2 onions, halved
4 large or 6 smaller cloves of garlic, crushed
4 carrots broken into pieces
3 ribs celery
4 or so sprigs of parsley
1 bay leaf
a few slices of dried porcini mushrooms (optional)
1 Tbsp olive oil
salt to taste
Put all ingredients into a larger stockpot and simmer for about 2 hours partially covered until liquid is reduced to about 6 cups. Stock should be a little cloudy and should taste pretty strongly of onions and garlic and have some sweetness from the carrots. If not, keep simmering until it does.
Let cool in the pot and then strain; squeezing the liquid out of the vegetables before discarding them.
(This is my basic stock for both the liquid that goes into the seitan dough as well as the broth for simmering. This is the base. Things will be added to it such as tomato sauce or paste and tamari, perhaps a few more mushroom slices, depending on your taste.)
Now the seitan:
Best Seitan Ever
Dense and chewy and very flavorful. Finally a homemade seitan that doesn't come out poofy on the outside like matzoh balls!
Ingredients:
1 1/2 c. wheat gluten
1/2 c. w/w pastry or unbleached white flour
1/4 c. nutritional yeast
2 cloves garlic, crushed with a garlic press or grated on a microplaner
1 1/2 cups of veggie stock
1 - 2 tblsp soy sauce
1 tbls tomato paste or ketchup
Broth for cooking
4 1/2 cups veggie stock
2-3 tblsp soy sauce
2-3 tblsp tomato sauce or paste
a few slices of dried porcini mushroom (optional)
(if you make your own broth, you won't need the ingredients below. If you use a boxed or canned broth or vegetable bouillon cubes for your broth, consider adding the following)
some fresh thyme sprigs
1/2 large onion cut in large chunks
2-3 garlic cloves, peeled and crushed
Directions:
Add all dry ingredients in one bowl and wet ingredients (garlic is a wet in this case). Mix well. Add the wet into the dry and beat well with a wooden spoon. Everything should be moist and incorporated but not soggy. You may need more gluten or liquid.
Knead for 5 minutes and let rest in bowl , covered, for one hour. Knead a little bit and divide into 4 relatively equal pieces.
Take each piece and flatten it into a rectangle. Working at one narrow end, begin to gently stretch the dough so it is as thin as you can get it... it should be transparent, but not torn. Roll up dough from thin end, stretching and rolling until the entire chunk is stretched out and rolled up, jellyroll fashion. Dough should be moist enough to stick to itself with little problem. Repeat with each quarter of dough.
While you are doing that heat broth in a large stock pot and bring to a simmer.
Place dough logs in simmering broth and cook about 1 1/2 hours covered, making sure broth remains at a simmer, not a hard boil. Turn off heat, cover and let rest one hour until logs have sunk in the liquid.
Once logs are cool enough to handle, you should be able to unroll them and tear pieces off rather than cut crosswise. This is to get best texture.
Nutritional Info
Servings Per Recipe: 8
Amount Per Serving
Calories: 143.7
Total Fat: 1.4 g
Cholesterol: 0.0 mg
Sodium: 367.9 mg
Total Carbs: 12.1 g
Dietary Fiber: 2.1 g
Protein: 21.8 g
Friday, March 14, 2008
A Letter To My Body
(I got this idea from @asteadypace from the Weight Watchers Veggieboard who saw this on BlogHer. I joined BlogHer in the very beginning but I must be some kind of terrible Luddite because I could never figure out how to link my blog to BlogHer, but the live link in the first sentence is the link to the whole letter project.)
As we approach our 48th anniversary together, I realize that you are my longest long-term relationship. I want you to know that after all the crap we have been through together, all the years that I hated you and wanted a divorce, all the years that I abused you and put you in unsafe situations and then all these years of healing both you, me, us together, I am totally in love with you. And the miracle of all miracles is that you forgive me my transgressions against you and love me back. My gratitude to you for this forgiveness and for your not leaving me during those hard, long years is profound. And it truly feels like a miracle.
It is so weird to be middle aged and feel more alive and vibrant in you than I did throughout my entire 30's. Your willingness to participate in losing 50 lbs and helping me joyfully become a "person who exercises" is a gift beyond measure. I am so proud of you for daring and for plodding through the beginning of the changes; sometimes literally one step at a time, one footfall and then a whole lot later, the next footfall. You were so clear with me through all of this and I am so grateful for your unambiguous voice that helped me learn how to make good choices and treat you right. I haven't forgotten those years of digestive distress and the horrible pain you were in so much of the time. And all I needed to do was be willing to change. Weight Watchers was the frame, but you were my biggest teacher through all of this. From the second day of Weight Watchers, over 4 years ago, you stopped hurting all the time. I posited that it was the fat in my diet and although never diagnosed, it must have been that your gallbladder was unhappy and trying to quit her job. But all she really needed was the huge amount of fat I was throwing at her to be reduced and she quieted down and to this day is functional and happy.
Thank you for that!
I am in awe of your courage to get smaller. Getting smaller is a very scary thing. I really get that. But you kept talking to me through the two year process. You told me when you were scared. You told me when you needed to stop right here for a while and even if those "whiles" were months and months through our two years of helping you become smaller, when you were ready; when we'd worked out the old stories and released them, you willingly continued down the path to weight loss. I am sorry for the times I got frustrated and mad at you for stalling. I am sorry for the times I have pushed you too hard because I had an agenda and you were asking me to step off my linear path for a bit. And more gratitude for that day when we were walking home from a hike and you said that we needed to reconfigure our power structure from one of hierarchy where head was at the top and ruled body, to a consensus model where head and body were a partnership and both had power but neither had power over. You asked me for partnership and so much fell away that was not needed. From the moment that the model shifted in me, I stopped being frustrated and angry at you. And I could feel you respond to that by feeling safer and being so very willing, so sweetly willing to continue in the weight loss, fitness, health dance with me.
Dear Body, for 2 1/2 years now I've had such a crush on you. Tara teases me about it still. She catches me admiring you in the mirror and tells me I'm such a teenager. And Blessed Be for that! When you were in your teenage years I hated you for the most part. I'm so grateful that you have engaged with me in all the "do overs" we have had over these past 2 1/2 years. Getting to be that innocent raw teenager again with a whole lot of self-esteem and self-love is such a different movie than the one we lived through all those years ago. And do you know what I'm the most crushed out on? On your arms. Those gorgeous yoga arms that I always despaired would always look doughy or big brutish, but now have such lovely defined muscles. I love your beautiful belly with that sixpack sitting right under the surface, right under that baby sag that is your badge of honor for carrying and birthing a nine pound baby 26 years ago. I'm crushed out on your hourglass waist to hips. I'm crushed out by your breasts, your ribcage, your strong back and your beautiful, aging face. Even your ass, which was the shame of my whole life is sexy looking and inspires my crush.
I'm having another interesting experience in beholding you: For two years you were losing fat, gaining muscle and totally changing shape. That was what I saw. You've been relatively the same size now for over two years and holding at relatively the same fitness level for those two years and I'm finally seeing you age which is something I missed during the losing years because everything was changing at the same time. But now I am noticing your aging process and Dear Body, let me say: You are aging well. Yes we have middle aged aches and pains. Yes, there is almost always something that hurts or aches or feels somewhat restricted, but after all the years of inactivity and obesity, I know many different kinds of physical pain and these pains are the pains of a body that works hard and is a child of gravity; the Mother of us all that holds us to Her body for our whole lives, pulling parts of us towards Her as we age until she takes us back into Herself. And after almost 48 years, you hold yourself so tall and straight! Your feet gracefully dance on this Earth with all Her love and gravity, but you run and jump and dance and fly, you balance on one foot with ease and the aches and pains you share with me are those of an active healthy body and are so very bearable. In fact, they remind me that I have you and that I am alive, when I go into those dark places I still sometimes go where I forget. Thank goddess I don't forget for long or very often anymore. And I know I have you to always remind me that you and I are a team and will be for the rest of our life together.
Dear Body, I want to recognize how resilient you are. It's been 3 1/2 years since we started going to yoga class and developing a regular practice. And in the continuum of that practice, I am so pleased and gratified at how far you've come in the strengthening and flexibility departments. To finally have a core that can hold and protect that hyperflexibility has turned that hyperflexibility from a liability to a great asset. I'm so thrilled at what I can do that I couldn't do six months or a year or two years ago. And your cardio vascular health? Wow. Just wow! I remember being the girlscout who got winded on the bike trip we took up Round Swamp road. We lived in the flattest place compared to Northern California; Long Island where the highest point was about 100 ft above sea level, and I got winded riding my bike up what now would look like a mere rise, not the mountain that it was to me then as a kid. I remember the fear of not being able to find my breath, someone giving me a paper bag and then the shame of it all. And no, we don't ride a bike but we hike up hills that a person who is not fit would struggle to reach the top of. I remember when you started doing those hills with me. When we would get home, that would be it for the rest of the day. We'd need a nap. Now it's something we do together a few times a week, come home after and just go on with our day.
I love your inner Labrador Retriever and your inner horse. I love how those parts of you rose to the surface with the coming of fitness. And I love how you love to exercise and it's not this negotiation we have to have every day. I love that "throw the ball" feeling or that "Let's gallop down this trail" feeling. You know that this is good for you. And you also know when it's not a good idea and I thank you again for being so clear in your communications with me that when you want a day of rest, you tell me and I listen. And I've learned that a day of rest doesn't mean that it becomes 2 days or more. It doesn't mean that I've blown my exercise program. It does mean that my agenda driven self has to step off my linear path and honor you and your wisdom.
Body, I love your abilities to feel pleasure as well as pain, because pain is a warning that helps me protect both of us. I love your hands and all the thousands of things that they can do. I love your abilities to see and hear, taste and smell. I love your ability to feel so many different sensations. I love your ability to cry and to laugh, to get angry, to be sad. I love your hard work in shedding a lining every month and how you taught me how to take care of you around my menstruation so that it is fairly painless and a happy and good experience. Since Mom bled until she was 53, I'm hoping that we get to do this part of the dance for at least a few more years. I do so dearly love that moon that waxes and wanes inside of you.
I am regularly grateful at your role modeling of cause and effect. At your lack of ambiguity. You are stimulated. You respond. There's no confusion or processing. There is this complex simplicity of cause and effect, stimulus and response. After so many years of living mostly in my head this is very important role modeling for me. You live in the here and now and you teach me daily to do the same or at least strive to it. I knew that "here and now" is where my power is, but the head knowing is so very different from the body knowing and I thank you for that.
After most of a lifetime of abusing and hating you, your willingness to let me in to live inside of you for the first time since childhood leaves me shaky and in tears. What other beloved would be so generous? Thank you for that in ways that I can't even express in words. Thank you for your steadfast hold on the Life Force. Thank you for being my most important teacher. Thank you for not hating me back or punishing me for our past. You live so here and now and in this here and now I am totally in love with you and I hope you find me kind and worthy of your partnership.
Dear Body, it could have gone so differently for us, but magic happened and we both rolled up our proverbial sleeves and look where we've gotten to! Thank you from the bottom of my heart to the bottom of yours. Here's to many many many more happy years together. May I continue to be worthy of you.
Love,
Maddy
Saturday, March 01, 2008
Today is My Two Year Maintenance Anniversary
I remember being shocked to get home from that hike I took on March 1, 2006, get on the scale for my weekly weigh in and have the scale stop at exactly 150 lbs for the first time. I was so surprised that I got on and off the scale several times, took a shower and got on it again. 150 was the magic number and it kept appearing until I believed it and felt the rush of joy and accomplishment of two solid years of literally everything I had; all my focus, stamina, humbleness, perceverance and intention finally manifest.
And then the hard work of maintenance started. I was off balance. The dynamic had changed and I must say that I bobbled quite a bit those first couple of months; allowing myself more food, then taking it away if I gained, finally to realize that I had to act "as if" I was still in the losing part of the program, staying at 22 pts a day plus activity points for a range between 24-28 pts (or 1200-1500 calories) a day. And I continued to lose slowly until I hit my personal bottom of 145 late that summer. I learned that 145 was too hard to maintain and I slowly gained that extra five pounds back, but here I am two years from hitting goal and I'm still orbiting around that magic number of 150.
I have a lot to say about this last year of maintenance, but we are packing up and leaving SF today (It's really Sunday, as I started this entry yesterday, but ran out of juice for writing) for our 140 mile drive home and I'm going to choose a run on the beach to navel gazing this morning, but I hope to return to it. But let it suffice to say that choosing the run instead of the sitting because this is my only window of the day to do it, is one of my tools for life. I deeply believe it is one of the cornerstones of my success at this whole endeavor. I prioritize my exercise to be something I do almost every day, almost always in the morning and for between 1 and 2 hours a day. I feel fit, strong, healthy, easy in my body and very much alive; more alive and vibrant than I felt during the entire decade of my 30's and I'm looking to be closer to 50 these days as I turn 48 this year.
For me, it's pretty basic:
- I work with who I am, not against.
- I track and journal everything I eat
- I use a software program (first Weight Watchers, now Sparkpeople) to help me journal and count points/calories
- I exercise vigorously almost every day
- I weigh myself at least 2-3 times a month
- If weight goes up over the redline of 150, I dial the food intake down, get back to losing basics of counting fruit and veggie servings and shooting for at least 7 a day, watch the protein:carb:fat ratio in my day and adjust as necessary, up the cardio and be kind to myself until the scale goes back down.
- I have to context this as a lifetime journey with small goals attained and new goals reached. There is no end goal here, just the day to day of doing the work to have and keep this body.
Happy Anniversary to me!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
The Skeptic Meets The Magic
I believe in Magic. I am an initiated Dianic Priestess and I spent years learning how to do magic; how to do ritual, how to see the Magic in the world. And I live in a world where the dominant paridigm seems to be made of linear people who see the world in a linear way. And one is not good and the other bad, nor necessarily mutually exclusive, but they are different and personally, I find that living in a world where Magic lives has more color to it that the world of proof and skepticism.
So having said that, this is what happened: There was an ultrasound. Five people saw the ultrasound: The radiology tech, Tara and the radiologist saw it directly and then there was a CD of it for the surgeon and her fellow to see. Tara's regular Ob/Gyn probably only saw the radiologist's report. Anyway, the ultrasound showed a tumor with a well developed blood supply. It also showed a hemorrhagic cyst that was bleeding into itself and was full of debris. This ultrasound showing a tumor is what put this whole surgery plan into action.
Surgery happened. After three or so hours the surgeon came into the waiting room where I was waiting with two very dear friends. She called us out of the waiting room looking grim. My legs turned to water, steeling myself for the worst. She said, "The surgery was successful. We removed the cyst and were able to give her a laproscopic hysterectomy. There was no tumor. She doesn't have cancer. The bowel was wrapped around the ovary and we had to do some disentangling, but all is well."
THERE WAS NO TUMOR. I was so stunned that I had no intelligent questions to ask like "Where did it go?" or "What did you see that showed as a tumor?" The relief; the bone melting relief to be told there was no cancer was enough for that moment and for hours after as people kept coming to the hospital and I got to say, "There was no tumor. There is no cancer. She manifested the best of all best case scenarios."
Yet as the day went on, I found myself wondering: Was there ever a tumor? Did five people; four professionals and Tara, who is a former nurse see a tumor where there was a bowel wrapped around an ovary? How could five people have made such a huge mistake? In my shock over this news, I forgot the ritual we did in pruning the fruit trees to cut away that which was not needed for the health of

