Friday, July 17, 2009

Stop Hating the Way You Look RIGHT NOW!

(My veggieboard readers will hopefully forgive me for reposting this piece that I wrote today on the Weight Watchers site. I don't want it to get lost in the wash of time. If it's here, it stays here.)

I am grief-stricken over some few small words I saw several people write today. They were, "I hate the way I look." Maybe I'm being triggered by my own self-hating behavior of yore. I found myself in tears reading some of the comments on a new person's body image thread this morning.

I'm grief-stricken that it's the year 2009 and girls are still becoming women who hate their bodies and hate the way they look.

I'm grief-stricken because I was one of those girls who became a woman who hated my body.

Why?
I didn't have the classic WASP body. (And how could I? I was a Jew of Eastern European descent.)
I had a big butt and thick ankles, small breasts and big thighs.I was mercilessly teased about these parts of my body. I was stalked over these parts of my body. I was told by my obese mother as a child that I was fat. My slender grandmother called me a "Skinny Minnie". I was confused to say the least.

When I was 20 my measurements were (about) 33-24-36. I was fucking gorgeous and I
HATED my body.

I had long, curly, lustrous hair. I had perfect skin and big blue eyes. I wore normal sized clothes, I had a perfect hourglass shape and a flat belly. I could do so many things, all my parts worked and I
HATED MY BODY.

Was it programmed in?

Was it learned from never seeing myself on billboards or TV or magazines?

Was it because I was as sucked into the machine with all the other teenaged girls that I'd get the right boy or be prettier if I used this or that product or wore this or that brand in this or that size?

I have no freaking idea as to the why of it. Just that I did.

And at the age of 42 1/2 when I started this Weight Watcher journey, I
finally started listening to my body and giving her the respect that she deserved. I have cried rivers over all those years, the most vibrant years of my life that were wasted because I hated my body so much. My dear, beautiful, wise, strong, healthy body.

I am crying right now over the waste of it all to see that young women are still going through this.

If I may be so bold to just reach through this cyber reality and just SHAKE you and say STOP IT! STOP IT RIGHT NOW!

Your body is how you get to be alive.

Your body is how your spirit and intellect and heart get to have a vehicle to experience all that you experience.

Your body does millions of things every day that you don't even have to know about or pay attention to.

Your body is a miracle.

No matter what you look like or what you
THINK you look like, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!

YOU ARE A MIRACLE!

So do it for the next generation if you can't yet do it for yourself.

STOP HATING THE WAY YOU LOOK.

It will maybe be a long journey, but it is so worth it to get to the other side. And I'm here to tell you that losing weight isn't going to get you there. It's deeper than that. Remember? So many of us hated the way we looked when we were young and dewy and thin, or at least thinner than we became. Losing the weight is good for you on so many levels, but it isn't going to fix or completely fix this broken place. There is some old, arcing wiring that has to be cut and a new pathway has to be wired in its place.

Don't waste the most vibrant years of your life!

And it starts with the first step: Dump the hatred. Just dump it. You don't need it and it's not serving anything. If you can just get to neutral, that's a great place to be. Love your body for what it does if you can't love it for how it looks. Over time, if you want to be in love with your outer casing, you will get there. The prize of self love on all levels is priceless. There is a whole lot of peace and self esteem that comes with it. That's more precious than gold. I know. I'm there. And I used to be a self-hater.

Can you hear this?

For the sake of your one precious life, for the sake of the next generation of women and all the generations of women to follow, I dearly hope so.

Friday, July 10, 2009

Was it All a Dream?

Was being a fat grrl all a dream? Was being 50 lbs overweight simply due to the rebound my body did after I let go of a drug and tobacco habit?

I started gaining weight when I was 29. Until then, for about a decade, minus the time I was pregnant with my son until he was about three months old, I was between 135 (at 19) and 150 (3 months post childbirth) lbs. The smoking started at about 30. The drugs, a year after that. I was in an emotionally abusive relationship from 29-32 and the speedier metabolism of my extreme youth was starting to slow down.

I was quite sure the slow gain that began at 29 was my ineffectual attempts at protecting myself from my abuser. But in getting really real, I had started gaining before that. I had bad eating habits; more about volume than content, although I was a fast food eater at times. I always loved to cook, so I did eat good, whole foods, although I'm sure I used too much butter and oil, ate too many Pepperidge Farm cookies and ice cream.

But why I ask, was it all a dream, is because for 3 1/2 years, I've been the size I was in my 20's. And despite taking breaks from tracking, despite watching my calorie count go from 1350ish post Weight Watchers, to about 1700 a day, I'm not gaining weight. I'm staying right about at goal: 150 lbs +/- a pound or two.

I know it's because I exercise every day and burn about 4000 calories a week doing so. I know that my muscle body has sped up my metabolism from the years I was a sedentary, heavy person. It surely isn't because I've "cured" my overeating and night time eating habits. That piece is still there. The exercise and the very sensible eating during the day often feel like "damage control" for the night time snacking, the vast affection for chocolate and my need to not feel caged and restricted.

Sure, I've done years of work now to heal the broken parts of self; to give them different and healthier "jobs" than to sabotage me or get me in trouble or lead me down thorny paths that are best not taken, but my body feels like it was all a dream. My body is forgetting what it was like to be heavy, in pain all the time, unhappy, disconnected from the rest of me. And my head is happy to comply with that forgetting.

So I'm here to say: No. It was not a dream. I was 205 lbs at my top weight. I have worked damn hard to get to where I am and finally where I am is a very happy in my body place. Yes. My thyroid is an issue, but I'm dealing with it. Yes. I'm aging and I can see it and I'm dealing with it. I'm dealing with it with love and admiration as I witness this aging body continue to thrive and shimmer.

Some people tell me I'm too skinny. I can't wrap my head around that at all. But I am happy here in this body place that is familiar from my youth when I didn't have to try.

I think the trick is realizing that, while newer and healthier patterns have been rooted and are working, this state of grace of not feeling like I'm working so very hard at this all the time is because the habits have become more automatic and NOT because I'm not working hard. I still work hard. It's just become the way I do my life.

And the losing path was really sexy. I think I'm finally in the place where staying right where I'm at is sexy too. Another state of grace.

It wasn't a dream.
My body thinks it was a dream.
I can live with that paradox.


Thursday, July 09, 2009

I Seem to Have Some 'Splainin' To Do

(This is for Karen who nudged me. Thanks.)

I did it! I went to Born To Drum Women's Drum Camp for the third year in a row. This year camp was for 4 days and 3 nights; one night more than previous years. At the Walker Creek Ranch in West Marin County you are totally off line. No cell phone reception, no wireless. It was actually a blessed relief to be disconnected for a few days. It also meant that I didn't track my food after tracking Thursday's breakfast, until I began again with Monday's breakfast. 96 hours of no tracking, being totally out of my normal routine, having others feed me most of what I ate (I cooked my own breakfasts in the RV), and I didn't gain all my weight back. I gained a phantom pound that fell of within two days.

It is funny to me that I still get nervous about not tracking. That I still don't trust myself to stay within caloric boundaries necessary to maintain my weight. And the truth is, that whenever I do return to tracking after taking just a few days off, that first day of food journaling has me feeling a little restricted. And if I can feel restricted with eating 1600-1700 calories after just four days, that means I was eating more than that while not tracking. Another truth is, and I have said it before, after a lifetime of overeating and bad eating habits, 5 1/2 short years doesn't totally counteract that deep, deep hardwiring; that tracking is one of the cornerstones of my success and if I have to do it for the rest of my life to keep this slimmer, healthier, happier body, then so be it. It is truly a very small price to pay. Especially when you consider the alternatives. Like Bariatric Surgery.

So, yes. I ate my head off at camp. Not for no reason though. During class time, we were sitting in chairs or standing at our drums, but beyond class time we were walking all over the compound from RV to dining hall to class rooms to other class rooms to RV to the pond, etc. It was such a sharp contrast to my sitting in front of the computer for most of the day normal reality. Lots of movement. Lots of interactions with other people. Far more than I am used to. And all of that burned more of what I consider "non-exercise calories".

I got a new Polar Heart Rate Monitor for my birthday a few weeks ago. An F11. The F11 is more sophisticated than my F4, which I gave to Tara. Tara's a bit tachycardic. She strapped on the F4 for a whole waking day to see how many calories she burns in a normal day and she burned about 2400. That was without exercising, but she is a locksmith with a mobile shop and when she's not driving or running codes on her computer, she is getting in and out of her truck, and basically moving through space a lot more than I am.

In my normal day, with my very slow resting heartbeat, I burn less than 100 calories an hour. If I have a heavy cardio workout, my F11 says I burned far more calories than the less subjective F4, usually between 850-1025. So let's say 925. If I'm burning an average of 85 calories an hour during the other part of the waking day and 925 for 80 minutes of cardio exercise and I'm awake for about 17 hours, that's 1360 for the 16 hours I'm not exercising plus 925 for the 80 minutes that I am, for a total of about 2285 during the waking day. If I have a strength training or yoga session as my exercise for the day, I can subtract about 650 calories from that daily total, leaving me about 1635 burned for the waking part of my day.

I am quite sure that while at camp, my calories burned were way up from that average of 85 per hour. And that is why I was able to eat so much and not really gain anything. But I will confess that it was a relief, in a way, to return to the safety of my own day to day reality and to my tracking tools.

I've been struggling with my thyroid and adrenals these past months. I've been getting regular blood tests to see where my thyroid and other hormone levels are, but recently did a saliva test where I spit in a tube four times over the course of the day and had my cortisol levels tested. The results showed adrenal exhaustion. My hormone doc put me on something that whacked me pretty badly within just five days. I stopped taking it, but it's taken me over 2 months to recover from those five days. If camp had been six weeks earlier, I don't know if I could have done much of it at all, so I know I'm much recovered from the Cortef debacle of early May, but not totally back on my game.

Knowing that I was going to camp less energetic and able than last year had me make some agreements with myself before going. I would follow my energy levels and not regret what I didn't feel able to do. And since my top priority was the classes at camp and since I am so much more of a morning person than a night person; a reality that is so much more evident during these months of adrenal exhaustion and thyroid struggles, this is what camp looked like for me this year:
  • I got up every morning between 6:00-7:00 and was outside or in some quiet classroom by 7:30 doing 45-60 minutes of yoga, using an audio recording or podcast on my iPhone. This was to counteract all the sitting on hard plastic chairs in the classes and benches in the dining hall.
  • Breakfast
  • I went to 1 or both of the morning classes on Friday/Saturday, the full days and took a hike during the first session on Sunday then went to the second session class.
  • Lunch
  • During the afternoon session, I either took the session (on Saturday) or went for a hike (on Friday) to move my body, sweat a little and recharge myself from all the interactions of being at camp and around so many people.
  • This year there was a "Free Time" session during which I took a short nap or rest of some kind
  • Dinner
  • Evening events: Each evening had 2 things happening. This is where my body was so very clear about her needs and I did what I said I would do which was honor those needs without regrets. Each of the three nights I did the first evening event, but skipped the second one to go to bed. This meant that I missed the drum jam on the first night, the Healing Drum Circle with Vickie Noble on the second night and the 2nd set of the teachers' performances which went until 2:30 am.
  • I took a total of 7 out of 10 class offerings. The reason I didn't take the three sessions that I skipped was more about there not being an offering I was interested in than anything else. I took 4 Afro-Cuban classes, 1 West African, 1 Venezuelan and one Ghanaian class. The four Afro-Cuban conga classes were taught by my own teacher and another teacher I love who is from NY. This is the kind of drumming I do most and what I teach. I did play my conga drum in the Venezuelan and the Ghanaian class and played an African Dundun during the West African class.
And even with all that self-care, I came home Sunday night, slept for nine hours the sleep of the exhausted and it is now Thursday and I finally feel like I've mostly recovered. This fragility is sobering to me and also evokes a small thread of grief. My drum teacher is 61 years old and she goes all night long. It's not about age necessarily. I have always been a strong and sturdy person with a good immune system and a strong body. Even when I was sick and out of shape, my body was strong. And now I've become a person who takes 2 kinds of thyroid and has weakness in my energy body. And I do feel grief about that. I haven't been the party all night grrl for a very long time, but I seem to have entered a new level of where my body is at. So the Pollyanna in me says, "Work with what you've got and you've got a lot!" but my inner critic and judge (who, by the way, have undergone a rigorous retraining program so they stop being toxic to me) say, "You aren't the grrl you used to be. The contrast is pretty obvious. Take good care so you can do more of what you want to and need to do!"

And this is my excuse for not blogging since May 11th. I blame it on my adrenals and my thyroid. I've let go of my writing group for the rest of the summer. The Muse hasn't been hanging around me like she does during the darker seasons when I don't have a garden calling on me every day, beautiful weather to be out exercising in or a desire to connect more with people and spend less time in my own inner landscape; the fertile ground where the Muse and I do most of our dancing.

I do trust that this ebb of creative inspiration is about the filling of the well with real life engagement and experiences and interactions with others so that when the Muse does return to grace me, the ebb returns to flow and I can express in written words the things that I feel send that ripple of healing and insight and Good/Right/Beautiful out into the world once again.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

I Have Bad Days and Times Too

If all you knew of me was what I wrote in my blog, you might assume that I've healed my body hatred and self-loathing, "fixed" most of my bad habits that made and kept me a fat person for so many years and am just waltzing through this new life, in this new body, happy with what I have and have accomplished and free of all past poisons. 

And you'd be wrong. 

These last 10 days or so, I've been feeling very mortal and somewhat betrayed by my body. And when my emotional body feels betrayed, by my body or anyone else, there's usually some kind of hell to pay. About 10 days ago, I started developing a rash. It looked and itched like poison oak but after a few days, I started wondering if it wasn't something else. It was something else. It was a fungal or yeast infection on my skin. My groins were the worst, then my armpits, the elbow crease of one arm and one corner of my mouth. 

Finally, last Friday, I went to see my osteopath/hormone doc. He confirmed that it was fungal. He wanted to put me on a Naturopathic regime that was going to take up to two weeks to turn the tide, but I wasn't willing to wait. I weighed the liver stress of taking Diflucan against itching for another 2 weeks and I asked for the Big Bug Bomb. He wrote me a prescription and told me to use a topical athlete's foot cream for as long as the rash remained plus two extra days. I did the big loading dose of Diflucan on Friday afternoon, then did two days of a much smaller dose 2x a day. After three days my ears were ringing pretty loudly and I found that my heart rate was erratic and way too high upon any major exertion. I could feel a real body anxiety that is very different from emotional anxiety, which is not something I often experience, but I am very clear on the difference. I stopped the Diflucan and the rash is almost gone. 

I find it curious that right during the five days that I was taking a new hormone to support my adrenals, I broke out in this rash. I hadn't felt comfortable with this one: Cortef. It was prescribed by the aforementioned doctor after my cortisol panel showed adrenal exhaustion. I got the medicine and saw with no small concern that it was a version of hydrocortisone. I had been prescribed a steroid for HRT. It was a horrible five days. My body is very clear when she is distressed by something I put in her and this stuff was poison to me. Over five days, my exhaustion didn't improve, rather I was needing to actually nap in the afternoon and if that opportunity didn't present itself, I would be fighting to stay upright. When I was napping, I started having nightmares that increased in intensity over these five day. Nightmares that I couldn't move and couldn't breathe. So I stopped taking the drug. During these five days is when I got the rash. In my mind, as a fairly intelligent person, I felt pretty certain that there was a connection between taking a steroid, having my immune system crash, allowing an imbalance of yeast to occur and manifest as this awful rash. 

Yeast/fungus is a weak spot in my immune system. I know this because I have danced with athlete's foot on one foot for over 20 years. I treat it and it goes away, but it never stays gone. My doctor had told me that people of East European Jewish descent have issues with what he called "molds".  This most awful rash I've ever had that wasn't poison oak left me feeling so vulnerable to the whole eat and be eaten condition of the life experience. The spot in the corner of my mouth grossed me out the most. Thrush. Yuck. And this whole last 10 days that have been capped off with crappy sleep for three nights now has left me feeling very mortal. And because my emotional body somehow feels somewhat betrayed by my physical body, that voice is right back on my shoulder, whispering nasty things about my body to me in my ears, like she had never been sent to the back of the bus to play her endless games of chess. 

Saturday, when alone in the woods, every time I tried to run, my heart rate jumped immediately up to the 160s. Too fast! That created some anxiety that had me jumping at squirrels and birds. "You better not have a heart attack out here all by yourself. You'll die out here and get eaten by crows. Maybe it's too dangerous to go out in the woods alone, hmm?" 

Luckily, I ran into Patrick, Sally and their two dogs and we all came off the trail together. And I was fine. I didn't have a heart attack. But I did have those minutes of feeling fragile, vulnerable and mortal which kicked in the mean, parental voice that still lives in my psyche, still forgets about chess once in a while to come whisper poison into my ear. Going out in the woods alone is what I do. I do what I can do to make my experiences safe and happy, but the vagaries of life happen. I know I've been lucky. I am empowered by going out by myself. I've had to dis-spell a lot of "survivor" fear to do it. Going out in nature, being in my body in nature is healing to parts of me that were long broken.

I have felt like there has been a battle going on in my body these past 10 days. My emotions are erratic, I've felt like I have cooties and these past nights I've not been sleeping. Last night was only about four hours of broken sleep that has left me feeling like crap-on-toast. I decided on a moderately vigorous yoga practice for my exercise this morning. I bring in a mirror and check my poses out for good alignment. I'll admit, I like seeing how strong I am too, but today I just saw the fat girl. I look no different than I did yesterday and yesterday I had a weigh-in under 150 lbs for the first time in about two months. Yesterday I was feeling and thinking I was looking "skinny" but today I thought I was looking "fat".  The critic was driving the bus to such a degree today that I even changed my yoga pants 10 minutes into my practice today because I thought I looked too fat in the pair I had put on. Fat seems to be the default self-hater that still lives somewhere in my psyche. If I perceive myself as fat then I am deserving of loathing. That pattern is so old and so toxic, I'm realizing that it is one of the hardwired in patterns, possibly pre-verbal that has been part of my operating system for most of my life. 

But it is different now. In the before, I wouldn't have even been aware of what I was doing in the continuum of my days. With my somewhat amazing ability to screen out what I don't want to face and deal with in my inner landscape, I would have just done what I had always done, which was to screen out the mean voices. This never kept me from taking the poison; it was in the very air I breathed, but the difference was that unless someone who cared about me pointed out how mean I was to myself, I was oblivious to it. It was part of the way I operated. 

Today, during yoga, I was aware that I was having negative feelings about how my lower body looked in pants while I was exercising. I was excruciatingly aware that my dear body was moving with grace and exhibiting glorious levels of strength at the same time I was grappling with this inner critic, this misdirection of one aspect of my emotional body's voice which was bigger and louder and much, much older than the newer, healthier voice that was noticing and appreciating my strength and grace and was being of my body rather than separate from her. 

I think that having my body's flora get so unbalanced affected my emotional connection with my world. I think bombing the building with Diflucan escalated a battle that was already occurring, and added another layer of feeling out of my emotional and physical center. And all of this was in addition to my emotional reaction to feeling mortal and being in a body that was struggling instead of mostly glowing.  

When I finished my yoga practice with shavasana, the sunlight came in the window and began warmly shining on my face. Instead of rolling on my side and pushing myself up to sitting, facing the sun, making mudras with my hands and saying in words in my head all the things I was grateful for, I rolled onto my side, allowing the beam of sunlight to shine fully on my face, but I didn't get up. My hands found each other in Namaste at my heart and I just let myself feel. The feeling was Good: No laundry list of gratitudes, just the feeling of Good. For a few precious moments, I was a baby, before language, without any unattended needs, just me, on my side, hands in prayer, sunlight in my face, my body feeling the life force pulsing through. 

And I reset myself again. Again, I lead myself back into this newer reality of self-love and care, holding that part of self that still hates me and still having something like faith, or maybe it's just stubborn determination that all the parts of me will continue to heal. That I will continue to be quicker at seeing the old, destructive patterns when they get triggered and start trying to assert themselves. That I continue to face my Critic towards positive tasks when I need her and send her to the back of the bus for endless games of chess with the Judge when I don't need her. 

Because I like this life, this body, this degree of inner peace that I have attained over these past 5 1/2 years. And a person just has to keep rolling up her sleeves, because the alternative is a landscape I don't want to live in any more. 

Saturday, May 02, 2009

Maddy's Obsessive/Compulsive Parts Speak: On Counting Calories Burned and Fitness Minutes

I've confessed this before, but here it is again: I have a certain component of obsessive/compulsiveness in my personality. In holding to my commitment of working with who I am instead of against who I am, the o/c part of me is thrilled with the job of recording fitness minutes and calories burned during those minutes. 

Joining SparkAmerica last year and seeing my fitness minutes add up has been, well, thrilling to me. For the first time that I can remember, I set a linear goal that went one whole year out. And then I exceeded that goal by hundreds of minutes. So this year I set a higher goal. And here, in the beginning of May, I'm ahead of par for this new goal for this new year. Breaking the minutes down into months is the driver for the Fitness Challenge thread that I post to every day on the veggie board. This month is the twelfth month that I've been participating in this challenge. It is really rewarding to see my fitness minutes add up over the course of the month. My o/c parts get to constantly calculate and recalculate par and how far I have to go to make my goal.

Getting my humble Polar F4 Heart Rate Monitor last year, which calculates calories burned was like the Best.Birthday.Present.Ever for that part of me. While I'm running, I'm figuring, in 10 minute blocks what my average calories burned per minute are. I'm figuring out how many minutes it takes me to run a mile uphill, run a mile downhill and less often, run a mile on a flat course.  I'm doing arithmetic in my head all the time. But the truth is, I have always done arithmetic in my head. The blessing/curse of having a math teacher for a father? Not sure. 

For what it's worth, here's why I like counting fitness minutes: 
I count both fitness minutes and calories burned and have a weekly goal for both. My exercise week resets on Sunday. I've completed this week with 610 fitness minutes. (My SparkPeople goal is 525). Regarding calories burned, I set that goal based on how much I like to eat vs how much I want to stay right here at this weight. My goal is 3400 calories burned per week. 

This is what I did this week: 
290 minutes of yoga 
115 minutes of Core Fusion (Pilates based strength training)
total: 405 minutes of strength and flexibility work 
205 minutes of cardio 
Total calories burned: 3175, leaving me 225 calories short of my calories burned goal. 

Prior week: 
135 minutes yoga 
45 minutes Core Fusion 
total strength training 180 minutes 
415 minutes of cardio 
total: 590 Fitness minutes 
Total calories burned 3750, exceeding goal by 350 calories burned. 

Both weeks I exceeded my minutes goal. Both weeks I exercised every day, a couple of days doing two different things, usually one thing in the morning and another in the afternoon. 

If I only looked at calories burned, I'd probably be much slacker on my strength training because it doesn't burn nearly as many calories as cardio. But the truth is, I need the strength training to stay strong and flexible and actually undo the "damage" I do by running. These are two extreme weeks in terms of the balance between the cardio and the strength training. But just like you don't need to eat all your essential nutrients in one day, more like over one week, you can mix and match what you do for exercise. The place where my o/c tendencies get sent to the back of the bus is when my body clearly wants to follow a different path than my head's agenda. Then all bets are off and I follow my wise body's lead. I believe that it's good to follow what you feel up to, or feel like doing and in the end, it is all good. 

I wanted to share this with people newer to the wide and vast world of exercise and I hope my ridiculous numbers don't put you off. It has taken me over five years to get here. I think of my prioritization of my fitness program as a crucial part of the mission to "save my own life". It is just as crucial and deserving of high priority to me as journaling my food and eating a healthy diet. 

All kinds of exercise are good; serious and playful, intense and leisurely. What I've learned is that the more I move, the better I feel and the more confident I feel in my body. And feeling confident and good in my body, after almost an entire adult life of feeling the opposite, is a gift that I both work hard for and never take for granted.

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Taking a Moment to Record Being Happy (or) "The Simple Ecstasy of Breathing"

I was starting to really feel good this past weekend: I went to Sonoma County and had the blessed privilege to see Patricia, my Feldenkrais Goddess for a treatment. From there, I went to my old home town of Occidental, picked up y friend Mar and drove through Monte Rio and along the Russian River to the coast where it was a splendidly beautiful day. We had a picnic at Goat Rock, my favorite little piece of CA coastline, saw the Harbor seal mamas and their babies at the mouth of the river and had a chance meet up with Mar's grown children, daughter in law and her granddaughter who is just past five months old. I spent the night at a friend's house who was not home, woke up to a gorgeous Sebastopol dawn, drank coffee, packed myself up and went for a run for over an hour on the lovely, relatively flat and level Joe Rodota trail. Running on a well groomed, relatively flat trail is a real treat for me, since where I run here in Willits there are no flat, well groomed places, more like mountains and rocky trails or steeply hilled streets.


After the run, I went all the way into Sebastopol, which I have to admit is my favorite town on this planet and was the center of my world for 23 years before moving from Sonoma to Mendocino County. Daniel, my son, met me at The Slice of Life for breakfast. It was joyful to be with him, joyful to go to a vegetarian restaurant where I didn't have to negotiate my food and joyful to be flying on the endorphins from my run and the caffeine from my coffee.

After breakfast, we spent a long time across the street at the Sebastopol Farmers' market, which is a vibrant, weekly community event. After shopping, we sat on a bench, people watched and talked. Eventually, it was time for me to start heading back towards home, as I am teaching my African brother Dian Sewo to read.
While I was down in Sonoma County, my heart was filled to bursting with the beauty of my former home in her most glorious season. I felt some grieving and regret at not living there any more. I really owned all of my feelings and tried not to be hard on myself for having the grief/sadness/regret be in front of the joy and delight at being there. I spoke it aloud to both Tara on the phone Saturday night and to Daniel while we were together on Sunday.
I was pretty tired when I got home, but Dian Sewo was coming in a few minutes, so I just rallied. This was our second lesson. Dian Sewo speaks seven languages but has never learned to read and write, which is a very difficult handicap to run with here in America. I am his sponsor. I take my sponsorship of him seriously. He is family to me, to us. And I want him to be strong in this world here so he can contribute what is needed to his wife, my friend Fanny, and their beautiful 8 month old daughter Sahdjoo. We ended up spending our entire time together working on arithmetic: adding, subtracting, multiplying and making a budget. After teaching how to write it out by hand, I taught him how to use the calculator on his iPhone. I know that every lesson leaves him a little more empowered.
Sunday night I told Tara that I felt so fortunate: I really like my child, my wife and my mother. I have never had all three together like I do now and I spoke to that and took a moment to really feel the blessing of that. Right now, I'm feeling the love all around me and am not really in struggle with anyone at all. Life without draining drama is so liberating!

Monday was a tough day making a living, but at 3:30 I got a nice wine sale right before my meeting with Steve, the creative writing teacher whose class I wrote about in January. The class ended up not working out for me or him and he offered to meet with me for one hour 1 on 1 for 3 sessions instead to help me really get my book moving forward. We had a very good meeting yesterday and I think we both left the encounter flying high. I know I was. I had a few "aha!" moments about form and structure that I believe will help me greatly. I felt this great gratitude for both of us staying open through the difficulties that we had with each other and having this creative solution be presented and implemented. I felt gratitude in the moment of our encounter yesterday, for his creative input and his graciousness.

That night Tara and I shared our days and both of us had had really positive interactions with other people that left us feeling good about ourselves and the great good fortune we both had in our lives. I felt a richness all around me that had nothing to do with material wealth.

Today is a beautiful day too and I had an appointment with my osteopath down in Redwood Valley, about 15 miles south of Willits. As I was driving, sun roof open, drinking in all the new green, the California poppies blooming, the old, gnarled valley oaks with their maidenly heads of newly unfurled leaves, warm wind blowing in the open windows, warm sun on my head through the sunroof, I felt happy. Happy, like I was unfurling my new growth too. Happy in my body, in my spirit, in my heart, creatively engaged, feeling blessings all around me with all my senses.

These past days of warm, green, growing, burgeoning Spring I feel my own greening, my own growing, my own burgeoning, my own warming, . And today it's easy to believe that the flower growing towards the warm sun and the hundred year old oak branch unfurling those delicate, light green leaves feel the same joy at being alive that I do. Tara often says a blessing in Arapaho. The literal translation is "It is enough" Nenéé nehínee is the closest translation I could find. And today; these past few warming days, I have felt this deep in my core.

This was today's Note From the Universe:

"Ohhhh, to be alive in time and space, Maddy! If only those now living could recall what such a prospect once meant to them before their life began. And what it still means to multitudes in the unseen now awaiting their own initiations who, try as they may, can't even imagine the simple ecstasy of breathing.

To them, you already "have it all,"

The Universe"

"The simple ecstasy of breathing."
It is enough.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

And the Truth Will Set Me Free

So much happened this weekend at the Wild Women's Weekend. I'm still digesting most of it. But something happened between Saturday night and Sunday afternoon that is begging to be shared. I've written here recently and probably farther back in this blog about putting your goodness out into the universe and trusting that some of it will help some people or creatures or causes along their journey. And that you didn't necessarily get to know how much you affect the world around you. 

In the learning to love myself, I have focused a lot of attention on "catching myself doing something right," and seeing how and if I can see how it manifests around me. Today I got to dance with the shadow of this dynamic. 

On Saturday night a woman named Kym was playing. Kym is a singer songwriter, an event producer, a single mother of two children about 6 and 11 and a denizen of Sonoma County, my former home. She's brazen and tells it as she sees it. Sort of like me. And I remember that there was something that had happened with the two of us, that I had gotten really mad at her about something, but I couldn't for the life of me remember what it was. It happened "a long time ago" (6 years) and the encounter or event had been absorbed into the spongey place in my mind where my memory tries to be.

Kym performs. Her 11? year old daughter does a rap bit complete with dancing and she's breathtaking. She's a complete embodiment of the No-No Grrl we had called in as the Maiden Aspect of the Goddess the night before. Kym's daughter is beguiling. Kym's performance is moving and wonderful. I see her beauty. I see her beating heart. And she tells a story of being fired from a once a year event that she had been running the stage and hiring the entertainment for. Why? Because she spoke truth to power to a group of people, several of them women from the same life style and community that she lives in. She probably made them (rightfully) uncomfortable, and they fired her. 

And I really saw her. And I saw that she was hurting around this. I saw that as a "real" feminist (a woman questioning why women performers made so much less than their male counterparts at a certain festival), and a heterosexual woman who most likely has so many more opportunities to raises her sword to colonization and its insidious daggers and barbs than a pretty separatist and far more reclusive person like me has to and I knew I had to make some kind of contact with her and hopefully it would feel right so I could find the place to tell her that I saw her, that it was colonization and that she was Good and Right and Beautiful. 

I believe that part of the reason I love myself and my life as much as I do is because when Tara and I got together, she started saying that to me: "Maddy. You are Good and Right and Beautiful," and the parts of me that felt Bad and Wrong and Ugly would start another layer of healing. And there were many layers. There still are, but there are so many less layers than when she started saying this to me. 

This was Saturday  night. It's now Sunday afternoon and we're coming into our closing circle. I put my arm around Kym's shoulders and say, "There was some stuff between me and you. But I can't remember what it was and I release it," She bursts out laughing, but I'm thinking she doesn't recognize me from that long ago event that I can't remember. No doubt. I am 50 lbs lighter, my hair is much shorter and I've aged a bit. But it's not time to tell her what I want to tell her so I wait. 

After the closing circle there is a Bye Tea. We all have tea and pick at snacks, exchange phone numbers and start saying goodbye. I get Kym aside for a minute and I tell her. All three things: That I see her; that the way the women from the festival committee turned on her is a symptom of colonization; that she is Good and Right and Beautiful. I watched the pores of her skin receive being seen. She hadn't considered the colonization bit. And she got tears in her eyes as she tried to absorb the Good and Right and Beautiful. But my goodness and magic aren't why I'm relaying this tale. 

We started talking. Really talking. And Kym says to me after about 15 minutes, that she is envisioning a women's music festival held at a beautiful ranch in Sonoma County called Ocean Song.  She had produced an event there before called Baring Witness She produced this event; an anti-war protest during which over 100 women laid out naked on a hill with their bodies shaped into the word TRUTH. She pulled it together with a week's notice and with a nursing baby in her arms. You can read about it here. I exclaimed that I had been there! I had been part of the middle T in TRUTH

She lamented that the straight and lesbian women's communities still had a lot of healing to do with each other and proceeded to relate a story about how this was supposed to be a women-only event; that many women had voiced that they would only felt safe taking their clothes off if there were no men present. Kym had called the local paper, the Santa Rosa Press Democrat and requested a woman photographer. They said they only had a man available. She made a judgment call and in the name of getting the story in a major regional paper, she agreed. So she's telling me this story and I'm remembering this part, because I was there. And then she says, "And this woman Maddy got really mad at me for letting this man in to take photos. She and a couple of other women said some things to me that were so hard for me. I was doing my best on a week's notice with a baby in my arms. I didn't know it would be such a big deal."

I burst out, "That was me! I am that Maddy!" I saw the recognition bloom in her face and we both started to laugh. Then we were hugging and crying and laughing all at the same time. The words we exchanged to bring this circle to closure were affirming and kind. 

And I now remember why I had been so angry at her. And I laughed with some degree of discomfort at the me that I was then. I laughed as I forgave myself for that forgotten transgression of using my words like knives. Maybe I laughed because it was so way past time to forgive Kym for making a unilateral decision that caused many older, separatist lesbians to get angry and perhaps feel unsafe which fueled some need of mine to be their champion or their voice. Or maybe my own. And maybe it was also way past time to forgive the knee jerk standoff that so often has people who were trying to be allies, forget that they were if something that seems "other" raises its head between them. 

And I laughed at the humbling lesson that was the most prized gift of the weekend: This strong, get-things-done, powerful woman said to me, about the anger she received as she pulling off this amazing feat, "It was like a piece of sardine stuck to the can," and I got it that this interaction that I had forgotten was a splinter that had been embedded in this woman's psyche for over six years. And I gave her this splinter. 

I think that splinter was pulled out and given back to the Earth today. With laughter. With grace. With two women seeing each other as the amazing allies they could be. With both of us seeing each other with the veils fallen away for the first time. And what I learned today was that all our words have power. That, yes, we can surely heal with them, but we can also wound and scar. Like a surgeon's blade, my words can harm or they can start a healing process. And I find that this knowing today makes me feel humble. The truth isn't always easy to dance with, but I feel that I must. And in doing so, with this Truth, something in me was set free.


Saturday, March 21, 2009

Welcome Spring!

There's this event going on in Willits this weekend: Wild Women's Weekend. My friends Ileya and Mana are hosting it at their wonderful art, music, ritual space downtown. I was asked to do an invocation of Spring. I asked three of my drum students to help me. I thought long and hard about what I wanted to say. Or more accurately, I asked over a period of about a week who wanted to be called in? And the answer came pretty clearly:

Spring is the maiden aspect of the goddess. The maiden is one of the sacred trinity of Maiden, Mother and Crone. In modern times, much talk has happened about a fourth aspect which years ago we dubbed the Amazon Artist. Since women live so much longer than in times of yore, there was a big gap between the milky, creative Mother years and the post menopausal Crone years and hence the Amazon Artist; woman walking into her full power as creatrix, as knowing her own self and having more of herself to actually devote to self-growth and empowerment. And it is the aspect of the goddess that I have been embodying for many years now as I stand on the precipice of cronedom. 

But it was the first day of Spring yesterday and that is the time of the Maiden. And when I opened to who wanted to be invoked to help us in these strange times, a girl child was not the aspect that wanted, no, demanded to come it. The Maiden for 2009 (in my world) is the Teenager: the No-No Grrl; She who pokes at the edges of everything and asks "Why?" and says "No!"  to whatever doesn't make sense to her; She who is each of our own personal scouts that finds the boundaries and pushes at them, stands up with no fear and says, "This is not the way I want it to be!" and changes it. She's the rebel, the fierce one who lives in every woman, only waiting to be given the out-ward facing job of being the edge and boundary pusher. 

And we called, sang, drummed and danced her in last night. 

It was a short ritual, more of just an invocation, and it took everything I had. Embodying my inner teenager for 30 minutes was exhausting. But it needed to be done and it is done. A group of women from age 20 to age 99 (seriously; there was a woman there who will turn 100 on 9/11) called in the No-No Grrl and the room was buzzing with joy and laughter, energy and attitude by the time I left to come home. 

And today, for the first time since January 16th, my very peri-menopausal body started a period.  Blessed Bleed. 

And Welcome Spring!
May our sap rise fiercely to empower us to do the important work that is to be done. And may every woman find her inner No-No Grrl and face her outward to change the world. 

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Recipe Time! Creamy Sweet Potato, Red Lentil Soup

I'm getting over my first cold in about a million years. I must say it's been rather a relief to be five days in and realize that this is a "cold" and not bronchitis or pneumonia. I've been staying down and doing a fair amount of soup and tea making and consuming. This soup was born of my desire for Vegan Penicillin. In my mind, miso based soups and lentil based soups are good for what ails me. This is, of course, a lentil version. 


Creamy Sweet Potato, Red Lentil Soup

This is a creamy, filling, spicy, beautifully colored, comfort soup. 

Ingredients


2 tsp olive oil
2 tsp cumin seed
one large onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 Tbsp ginger micro-planed or very finely minced
1 small jalepeno pepper, minced (optional)
1 tsp turmeric

3 cups peeled, cubed sweet potatoes (garnet is the best for this because of its dark color)
1 cup red lentils
6 cups water with 3 cubes no-salt-added vegetable boullion or 6 cups vegetable broth 
juice of 1 large or 2 small lemons
chopped cilantro for garnish (optional)


Directions


Heat the olive oil in a heavy bottomed 2 qt or larger saucepan. Add cumin seeds and saute until they start popping. Add onion, garlic and jalapeno pepper. Saute for about 5 minutes, stirring often over medium heat. Sprinkle turmeric over the onions and saute another minute to thoroughly coat everything. 

Add broth, ginger, sweet potatoes and lentils, stirring occasionally until it reaches a boil  to keep lentils from clumping. When it reaches a boil, reduce heat to simmer and simmer partially covered until sweet potatoes and lentils are very tender, about 30 minutes. 

Stand an immersion blender straight up and down in the pot so bottom of blender is flush with the pot and blend soup until it is thick and creamy. There should still be some chunks of sweet potatoes and pieces of onion that you can see. If you don't have a stick/immersion blender, then puree 3/4 of the soup in a blender and stir back into the pot with remaining 1/4 of soup. 

Stir in lemon juice to taste
Garnish with cilantro if desired. 

Nutritional Info
  • Servings Per Recipe: 6
  • Amount Per Serving
  • Calories: 212.9
  • Total Fat: 3.8 g
  • Cholesterol: 0.0 mg
  • Sodium: 557.0 mg
  • Total Carbs: 36.8 g
  • Dietary Fiber: 10.4 g
  • Protein: 7.5 g

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Something Food Related That I Was Thinking About While Cooking Last Night

Last night I was making a Thai curry with light coconut milk and green curry paste. I've been looking at this bowl on my counter for months now. It has been filled with a slowly-decreasing number of winter squash: Spaghetti squash and Delicatas from my garden and one sugar pie pumpkin and acorn squash that I had bought at the Willits farmer's market in, oh, I think November. Last night I was inspired to use the littlest of the Delicatas. In my mind's eye I saw thin, arched slices, tender from being simmered in broth and coconut milk, in the company of carrots, green beans and cilantro, cashews and seitan sausage, served over Jasmine rice.

It was a quick, cheater's broth: a cup of water with a packet of Trader Joe's vegetable broth concentrate diluted into it. First I cut the squash the long way, cut off the ends and scooped out the seeds and minimal pulp. Then I cut the squash halves in half again the long way, then cross cut in 1/4" thick slices. I simmered the squash in the broth for about 10 minutes, then added thinly sliced carrot, my own frozen green beans and a few ounces of light coconut milk. The green beans got me thinking: I remembered the work of picking, prepping, blanching and freezing. It's not a lot of work. Green beans are one of my favorite things to grow and if the harvest is good, I will usually have beans in my freezer until the next summer. This was not to be this last year, as the very short growing season and the fires in June/July conspired to create a rather scanty harvest of many things in the garden this last year. And so, as I portioned out a cup of beans from the last bag in the freezer, I got to thinking about eating locally.

The price of gas is rising again and I don't trust anything about or connected to the price of gas. The prices of everything went soaring when gas went up to $4.50 a gallon last spring and summer and those prices haven't really come down. For a person like me who is committed to eating organic, it can get very expensive to buy organic green beans (probably from Mexico) in February. Right now I have chard in my garden. The ubiquitous chard that happily grows through heat and frost, downpourings in winter and scanty watering in the summer. I have chard. I have some onion greens. That is what "eating local in season" would look like if I were to rely on what was growing right now in February. And if I needed to rely on my own garden, the chard would be all eaten up pretty quickly. But I do have electricity and a freezer. I do know how to dry or can things and preserve them in clean glass jars, so it is possible to have "summer in a jar" around our house.

I haven't bought tomato sauce or canned tomatoes in years. We do the work and very little goes to waste with the tomatoes. I braided up all the garlic last summer and ate my own garlic all the way through to the end of December. There are about 14 spaghetti squashes in the garage and I have a freezer full of completely prepped fava beans. And one bag of green beans. The last one. The one I used a cup out of last night. And while I was cooking, I thought about what the flow would have looked like if I had used fresh beans. Not much different, but I would have had to take the time to prep them and they would have gone into the pan to simmer much sooner than was needed for the prepped, blanched, frozen green beans.

The word "convenient" flitted across the screen of my mind. And I had to smile. At the back end of all this planning, digging, planting, watering, feeding, protecting from raccoons, harvesting, prepping, blanching and freezing, it was a pretty simple thing to measure out a cup of beans and scatter them into a simmering saute pan. It was convenient. Just like deciding that last night would be the night to eat the second of three delicata squash that I was able to harvest from a plant that started late, was uprooted again and again by the damn raccoons that plagued my garden last year and survived to give me three squash that landed in the large ceramic bowl that has been sitting on the penninsula, filled with one bounty or another since about August. There it was; a perfect two serving sized squash that only needed to be cut, deseeded, peeled and sliced to be turned into a componant of a delicious curry.

Gardening is not convenient. Sometimes it's downright frustrating and heartbreaking. But something in me has me face the challenges and the work and grow food. And then harvest and preserve food. As the price of gas follows its strange, incomprehensible path and we as a country fall further and further into a recession/depression, I'm glad for the space that we've nurtured and built to grow food. I'm glad for the things I've learned along the way about how to grow it. I was glad to eat my curry last night and know for sure that two of the ingredients in it required no gasoline to get to me and onto my plate. And that the luxury of fresh tomatoes in January may become a thing of the past, replaced by what I put in a jar or dried in September. But not yet. Right now, the convenience of just driving to town for chocolate, for coffee, for coconut milk, for vanilla beans, for agave syrup, for vital wheat gluten, for all the other things that come to me with the price tag of the true cost of gasoline, are still an option. And maybe I'm just an alarmist and they always will be an option.

But I can't help but try to think of what our lives would look like, what our table and pantry would look like if it wasn't.

Working Out at Home: How Much Space Do You Think You Need?

Behold the odd, diagonal space that I use to burn at least 1/3 of my weekly calories: My house is not very big, total square footage is less than 1100, and when we remodeled three years ago, we sacrificed many square feet of "living room" to create a larger, workable kitchen. What you see in the picture is:
On the right: the end of my couch.
On the left: the penninsula of the kitchen.
Space between the short, flattened corner of penninsula and couch: 6'
Our TV is on a cart with wheels. It sits flush against the wall when not in use and is swung around at about a 45 degree angle for exercise and a full 90 degrees to be facing the couch when we want to watch TV, vs interact with TV for exercise.
Space from the bottom of the picture frame (end of yoga mat), to the edge of the rolled up carpet: 9'
What I have to do to exercise with the TV in the living room:
I have to take the coffee table and turn it perpendicular to the couch and push it flush with the wood stove hearth. I then roll up the carpet. Then I sweep the floor; basically the entire field of the photo and all the way off the bottom and bottom left of the photo field.
Once I've done that, I'm good to go. In terms of "free wall space" for yoga or Core Fusion Body Sculpting, I don't have any that is standing height. I have the office door. On the occasions when I want to do inversions like handstands or headstands, I go totally out of the picture field and use the closed office door. For Core Fusion abdominal work, I use the long side of the penninsula that you see in the photo, as it only needs to be as high as I am while sitting on the floor and putting my feet and legs up into a V shape.

It's a small space. I hear people talk on the message boards about having a very small living space and not being able to make the room to exercise. And I know from doing this for several years now, that the 6' spot in my own space is sometimes restricting. Sometimes it forces me to turn my mat and orient 90 degrees away from the DVD I'm using, so as to not hit the penninsula or edge of the couch, usually with my feet when I'm doing some yoga thing that has me fully extended. With my arms over my head and feet fully extended, I'm well over 6' in length.

Yet the fact of the matter is that a space that is an oddly shaped 6' x 9' at its narrowest is far larger than my yoga mat, which measures in at 2'x70", or 2' x 5'10". Unless I'm dancing or doing some creative, flowy Shiva Rea lying down something, my mat is the world upon which my calories are getting burned and my body is getting stronger and more toned.

Perspective is everything: When I was doing a combination of yoga classes in the big studio at the gym and doing DVDs at home, my home space felt very small and somewhat restrictive. Now, not only do I not go to classes at the gym, but the entire gym is closing at the end of the month. This makes my sixish by ninish foot space seem quite adequate, for it is surely larger than no space at all. Also, I've adapted: I know when I have to turn that 90 degrees on my mat to avoid kicking the penninsula or the couch or hit the rolled up portion of the carpet. I've learned in an empirical way that my space is adequate. In fact the area of my yoga mat is adequate for doing most of what I do for exercise here in my living room. I've been exploring a dance DVD called Soul Sweat. I don't use a mat for that. I'm moving around the space dancing and even with two steps forward and four steps back, my space is adequate. I've learned to move "on a bias". I've learned to utilize what I have.

I think it all comes down to what motivates you. Times are tricky for many people right now and when the money gets scarce, things like gym memberships seem to float to the top of the list of the slash budget. If you do things like yoga, body sculpting, free weight lifting or other exercise that requires the minimal space of a yoga mat, do you have that 2' x 6'? Can you make it with a little rearranging? Yes. It's a pain in the ass to have to move furniture, roll up carpets and sweep the floor every time I want to exercise at home. But it's about priorities. I want to be fit. I want to be strong. I want the "feel good" that yoga, weight training, body sculpting, etc gives me and I've organized it all in my head that the housecleaning and furniture moving are worthy prices to pay to have those things. And the end result is that that modest yoga mat; that modest 6' x 9' space has become an entire universe in which transformation continues to happen.

Friday, January 30, 2009

"Gotta Have it Now": An Idea Whose Time is Over


I read the other day through a link on Huffpost that Starbucks is ceasing their "every 30 minutes no matter what" policy of freshly brewing pots of decaffeinated coffee after 12:00. They say this is part of how they'll save $400 MILLION by September by doing this, among other things relating to reducing "labor and production expenses". When I related this to Tara, her first response was to shake her head and shudder that this policy of brewing fresh pots of coffee every 30 minutes has been creating hideous excess and waste for years. She spoke to the land and water and labor used to grow this coffee that went literally down the drain.


However, this was not the first thing that I thought about. The first thing I thought about was why Starbucks brews fresh coffee every 30 minutes. My first thought was that it is us in our high speed quest for instant gratification, instant response, that has driven businesses in a highly competitive culture to be the fastest, the cheapest, the most convenient so we will patronize their business or employ their services. So first I thought it was us. But the more I thought about it, I realized that we've been trained to want things immediately. This may be an idea created on many Madison Avenue drawing boards for corporate strategies, but my deeper sense says no, it's more than that. It feels more like an agreement we've made in this digital age of wondrous new technology, the point of it all which seems to have created a dynamic by which we are both instantly accessible to anyone or thing in the world as well as have other people and things be instantly accessible to us; to click on a webpage and be transported there in a moment; to push the button on the answering machine and get the message with no more than a second delay; to put the DVD or CD in, advance it instantly, take it out when it's done with no rewind; to cook our food in microwave ovens or buy fast "food"; to rarely have to stand on a line for any length of time; to not stand for having to wait long for much of anything.


But back to coffee: When I mentioned our conditioning to want our coffee fresh, Tara's reply was, "What's so bad or wrong with coffee that is more than 30 minutes old?" Now this is the grrl who sometimes gets the acid swill at the gas station and grew up with camp coffee. This is not to say that she doesn't appreciate the difference in a fine and fresh cup of coffee, but her way of seeing this was to posit that we are way too spoiled as a culture if we are tossing 30.1 minute old coffee for fresh based on a rarified and conditioned expectation. And I do agree that this is part of a much larger problem. Upon Googling "Starbucks to stop brewing decaf after 12:00", I was dismayed at the blog posts and news headlines that came up, like this one: Sad News For Starbucks Decaf Lovers. The company has said that it takes FOUR MINUTES to brew a cup of decaf fresh. FOUR MINUTES. So please tell me what is sad here? The death of thousands of oak trees in CA: That is sad news. The loss of tens of thousands of American jobs: That is sad news. Having to waif for FOUR MINUTES for a cup of decaf? That is not sad. That is, in my opinion, the turning of a tide.


Before this headline appeared, I had espied a new Starbucks ad on TV. It's an "Obama campaign-like" TV ad with digital, soy-based ink-like colored animation that is encouraging and touting all of us rolling up our sleeves and pitching in for America. Sign up for a certain amount of community service through your local Starbucks and they'll give you a free coffee. This had a greasy, corporate feel on the cynical part of my psyche, yet the Pollyanna in me got all choked up watching the commercial. They also gave out free coffee to everyone who came in and said "I voted" on Election Day and I admit: I went into my local Starbucks for my free coffee after voting. So maybe this could be what "corporate responsibility" looks like in the 21st century, in a hemorrhaging economy. I am choosing to see these hints at a turning as good things unless they are proved otherwise. I'm so tired of "yeah, but" punditry, so I'll take this one at face value.


Getting back to Tara's horror at all the waste that has been a matter of corporate policy: Once I was finished with following my threads of the why of it all, I came back around to the waste issue and realized that I as an individual can do my best to make a smaller footprint. There is a (somewhat flawed) test you can take here that shows you, based on the results of a quiz you take, that if everyone in the world lived like you do, it would take X number of planets to support us all living that way. By the sheer virtue of driving a car and living in a single family house with electricity and running water, I can't seem to get below 2+ planets on this test. I lower my footprint by being vegan, by working at home, by driving less than 1000 miles a month and by recycling, but it is a sobering thought to think that most of America lives in a way that would use up over 5 planets if everyone lived that way. (Flying on airplanes and eating meat were two of the bigger markers for needing more planets.) Yet in the light of my footprint, vs corporate footprints, there is no comparison.


And all of these things are indicators or bright red pointing arrows that can show us why we as a nation, as a culture are in the terrible mess that we're in. If we eat the whole world, where will we live? If the cost of having whatever-it-is right NOW results in waste that is literally unrecoverable, then can we think about changing our relationship with our consumerism? Can we just slow down a little and wait a mere four minutes for a cup of decaf? This won't heal the problems of our systems, but I dearly believe we have to start somewhere. Why not trust that it can start in that space of four minutes? Maybe in that four minutes of stillness we'll get an idea, an inspiration, a creative kiss. Maybe the solution to a problem will enter through the space we make by taking our time. Maybe in those four minutes we'll actually feel ourselves just being. And I see the possibility of an entire universe of value in that.

Friday, January 23, 2009

What is a "Day of Rest"?

For me, a day of rest doesn't mean that I'm only doing my normal cleaning, cooking and moving my body pretty gently through space with my heart rate staying at or near resting rhythm. It doesn't mean that I spend the day inert. A day of rest doesn't mean I don't get out of my pajamas or that I just sit in a chair or on a couch and/or take a nap for a couple of hours in the afternoon. That's what it meant at one time.

Now, what it means to me is determined by a qualitative feeling I have during and after moving. I may have walked for an hour, but the operative word was "walk". Usually I "hike" or "run". To walk implies moving relatively gently through space and maybe somewhat elevating my heart rate, but in no way feel like I'm stressing my body, pushing her edges. The same is true with yoga: I can do a 60 minute practice that is more about stretching and releasing than strengthening. Strengthening means that I'm tearing and rebuilding muscle, stressing my muscles so they grow stronger. I can do the lunar type of a yoga practice and that feels, to me in the qualitative feeling of it like restore-ation, and I would include that in what I call a day of rest.

Something I've learned is that a fit body likes to move, loves to move, craves it, gets cranky without it. And my first 1-2 years exercising, when I started my Weight Watchers journey in March of 2004, I did it because I "had to" to attain my goals of weight loss and health. I endured months of muscles talking to me for the rest of the day and night for what I'd asked of them during exercise. Soon, it felt good after I stopped and that was a nice reward for the efforting. And eventually, in not really a very long time, it started feeling good through all the phases of doing it. Except maybe the first five minutes. The first five minutes of running don't feel so great, but after that....flying! Joy! Centered, breathing, Maddy-in-harmony-with-the-Earth...I happily endure those first minutes for what comes after.

I find it near miraculous to me that I am this person. And that a 50 minute ior a 90 minute walk can constitute part of a rest day. Pat had this to add to this discussion, "Fitness gurus describe lighter movement not geared toward defined increases in muscle strength/endurance or cardiovascular fitness as Active Recovery. Active Recovery is especially important for helping newbies and those sore from trying a new routine. I find it especially valuable for retaining an attitude of joy in movement, not always pressing, pushing, striving. Kick back a little and find happiness in movement from time to time. "

Mavis referred to it as "active rest" and I really like that phrase. It captures this newish Way of Maddy just right.

Monday, January 12, 2009

In Search of The Sweet Spot

I figured I'd get here sooner or later, as from the path I walk, I could see this on the horizon. It is a meeting, a crossroads if you will of several "messages" from outside sources; none of them critical, none of them that cause me to feel bad about who I am and how I do my life, but simply messengers.

The first is The Universe, who says, "Thoughts become things... choose the good ones! ®". In my quest to be the happiest person I can be, I really hang my hat on this one. I have gotten, over the past 5 years, more and more comfortable with noticing my thoughts and how they affect my outcomes, my body, my spirit. And I know that my mind is a very powerful entity; shaping the way I see and interact with the world.


So with that as my alluring introduction to this process, I'd like to step back a little bit and look over the past 4 3/4 years. My 5 year Weight Watcher anniversary is March 7th. I followed the program, became a person who exercises, lost the weight I wanted to lose and began maintenance. I've admitted here that it has taken me a long time to feel like I was succeeding at maintaining my weight. It took the turnings of two years; of coming to my goal weight anniversary date of March 1st for the second time in 2008, and actually still being at or under my goal weight before I believed that I was succeeding at maintaining.


Why did it take me 2 years to believe it? I think this was partly due to knowing that only 5% of people who lose a significant amount of weight keep it off for more than 2 years. I think I still had some demons flitting around in my head that said I wasn't worthy, wasn't working hard enough, didn't deserve to succeed. But the truth is that I've worked harder at this than just about anything I've ever done and I deserve my continued success.

And a curious thing in all of this for me is that I've actually gotten pretty relaxed about the food intake part of this grand equation. I still track just about everything I eat every day. I use Sparkpeople's food journal program and recipe building program with great success. Doing this has become a normal part of my day. I make the time for it. It is, for the most part, a non-negotiable for me. If I'm going out of town and not cooking any of my own food and not really having good internet access, I'll take a few days off, like I did for drum camp. And I've even gotten comfortable taking those occasional days off from tracking. But my mind (this very strong creater of my reality) really believes that tracking and food journaling is a major cornerstone of how I maintain. So I happily comply with my mind's equation and so far so good.

And then there is exercise. Another part of my mind's equation for success is my exercise program. The Sparkpeople calorie allowance is based on what you weigh, what you'd like to lose and how quickly you'd like to do that, mathematically transmogrified by the number of calories you burn exercising each week. I am still doing the SparkAmerica, count your fitness minutes challenge and the monthly Fitness Challenge on the Weight Watcher's message board. So I do set a minutes goal for the month, for the week. And in order to be able to eat more, I set a pretty stiff exercise goal. I commit each week to burning between 3,200 and 3,400 calories in exercise; right now mostly a combination of hiking, running, treadmill and yoga. My mind's equation says, "If I track all my food, exercise every day my body says YES (which is most every day) and burn those 3,200-3,400 calories a week, I will maintain this happy weight of right over/under 150 lbs."

I believe the Universe is full of love and compassion and really wants to accomodate my visions; my versions of how the world is, so I continue to spend hours every day tracking, journaling and exercising. And lo and behold! I am coming up on my 3 year Maintenance anniversary and I'm still right around where I want to be with my weight, with my physical health, my strength, my cardio/pulminary fitness. And yet, I see the obsessive/compulsive aspects of myself and worry about all this focus making me a boring person, obscuring beauty and magic that I would possibly see if I weren't so deeply focused on my "program". And as The Universe (A.K.A. Mike Dooley) reminds me daily that Thoughts become things...choose the good ones, I've recently gotten two other messages.

The first is from my own body. About a month or so ago, I started getting a debilitating pain upon certain movments in my right arm where the deltoid and the tricep meet. Many trips to the osteopath have not resolved this issue and I've been referred to physical therapy which starts this week. This has greatly impinged on my yoga practice. I've modified or omitted all weight bearing asanas on my arms, which is a lot of what I do. I completely stopped lifting free weights. For the past week, my neck on the same side has been out and again, two trips to the osteopath have not resolved the issue. I go again tomorrow to see the wife of the couple. I think her treatments are better for me than her husband's, but for something that is moving from acute to chronic, we shall see. I hope for the best and am prepared to try other options.

It seems clear to me that my body is trying to give me a message. It's confusing because the parts of my body that are healthy are so in love with all the activities that I do and they don't want to stop or change or modify anything. And yet, I see this injury as being a huge, as well as compassionate teacher because it is holding up the mirror for me to see how my O/C tendency of adding up my minutes and my calories burned are possibly not serving me here. So why don't I just take a break? Why don't I take a week off where all I do is walk? I don't do it because I'm uncovering that that O/C drive to keep accruing minutes and calories burned is being generated from fear: Fear of losing my momentum and starting down the slippery slope of gaining all my weight back as I reacquaint myself with my old habits of overeating and not exercising.

So right when I'm facing, with compassion and love, but facing this uncomfortable personal truth, Mavis, one of my Weight Watcher friends posts this on the Fitness Challenge thread:

"Physical movement is a form of creative expression for me. I truly [find] vitality and connection through it."

That's why I like to create my own routines. It's a way to do a "live journal" of how I'm feeling on any given day. That's why it's so important to move beyond the mechanics (calories burned, specific routines, time frames, etc.) Those are measurements, which are fine in their place. But for me, true power came when I integrated fitness as part of how I live. I can accept fluctuations, setbacks, bumps, whatever, because I know it's always available, and I don't need one specific situation or circumstance to keep my momentum."

I no longer require perfection or certainty in my practice. I've done 20-minute ad hoc yoga practices on a towel in a hotel room, took month-long hiatuses in 2007 when I was in a car accident and my Dad was terminally ill, and I'm still here. My routines may change, but I know I'll do something. I trust that there are seasons for everything. It's a wonderful thing indeed! "

May you all find your expression and fitness 'sweet spot.'"

Indeed. And so I expose to the light my iron grip on all of this and with a large exhale, loosen my fingers. Just enough to care for my injury. Just enough to take a deep inhale. Just enough to step out into the void. Just enough to feel the grand expanse of self, within which lies today's "sweet spot".

Friday, January 02, 2009

Happy Three Year Anniversary, Body Tales!

Once again, I'm wishing myself and my blog a happy anniversary one day late because I spent most of yesterday working on my manifestation collage for 2009. It's not quite done, but I'm getting close. My collage is about what I want to continue to nurture and what I want to begin to cultivate in 2009. If I want to have a book to try to get published, I really have to get serious about writing it. So far I have over 100 recipes collected but not edited or tested. I have a whole bunch of my online vegetarian, omnivore and vegan friends who want to be testers. The trickier part of the book is all that "how to" regarding getting and staying fit and healthy, creating new habits and priorities around food and healing broken parts of self. I really have all green lights on this, so the only thing standing in my way is me. In this new year, I want to see this book come together and be ready to shop around.

(This is why I love my life: Just as I wrote those last words, this post came through on my online bulletin board. Since I'm the list owner, I am the one who approves new posts and here's what just came through:

DATE: Fri, 02 Jan 2009 18:56:56 -0000
SUBJECT: Creative Writing Class
Do you like to write, feel you have something important to share and would enjoy having a forum to express your ideas and experiences? Consider joining the Journalism 180 class, Writing for Publication, at the Mendocino College--Willits Center for the Spring 2009 semester. The class is taught by journalist and fiction writer Steven Hellman and is suitable for adults and teens, and all genres. The class meets Mondays, 5:30 - 8:30 p.m.. For info, 459-6224.
------------------------
It seems that I might want to call that number and see what happens. It couldn't get any easier to do than to have a college extension class here in Willits, as the main campus is in Ukiah, 25 miles away. )

This is also posting number 201. I am amazed anew at my stick-to-itiveness at keeping this writing thing going for three whole years. My number of postings have definitely slowed from that first year when I was having so many epiphanies and healings, but they still come and I still try to write them down and post them here. For that, I am grateful to have this format to archive my life as I'm living it.





Blessings to us all in 2009. May our new president make large and crucial inroads towards a better direction that we can all follow for our collective and individual good. May we find the sweetness in our lives moment by moment. May we heal parts of both self and our own world that are broken. May our courage and our joy always rise to the top.

Happy New Year

Wednesday, December 31, 2008

32,160 Fitness Minutes: A Reflection on Goal Setting

In the end of 2007, Sparkpeople created and begain the SparkAmerica Challenge. The concept was about acruing fitness minutes to collectively reach 1,000,000,000 minutes for 2008. As a world-wide group, we've fallen short, by more than half, but 1 billion is a very large number.

On a personal note, I blew my goal totally out of the water. I had committed to something that felt challenging but doable: 27,000 minutes. That was 75 minutes a day, 360 days of the year. I had never set a long-range goal like this before in quite this way. I've set sales goals before. I actually had to when I worked for the corporate winery, but this was personal. It was uncoerced and it was all mine.

It would have been empowering to make my goal of 27,000 minutes, but to end the year with a total number of fitness minutes of 32,160 is more empowering that I can even express. That is very close to 90 minutes a day for 360 days. And I'm sure I only took about 6 (remember, this was a leap year) days off with no focused activity all year. My qualitative goal was to exercise every day my body said "Yes" and that was most every day. To realize how few days I did no exercise is a testament to how healthy and strong and happy this dear body is and for that I am profoundly grateful, as I still remember those years of illness and body suffering. To realize that a "day of rest" now means an hour of a gentle yoga practice is immensely gratifying. To look at the most recent yoga pictures that Tara took of me today and see my strength showing through from top to bottom is a manifestation of all this hard and loving work.

And I took this idea from SparkAmerica and created it in a slightly different form on the Weight Watchers Veggie Board. We call it the 30/31 Days of (whatever month) Fitness Challenge and we count our fitness minutes and track them day by day. We cheer each other on and I am a witness to constant greatness and success. And the success of others, the enthusiasm of others feeds my own. Sometimes I think about what it would take to create something like this in real life: a weekly meeting to talk about health/fitness/weightloss topics, inspire each other and know that you will have something to report the next week....sort of like a Weight Watcher meeting but without the corporate crap or the junk food. I wonder what it would take.....I think I'll write my book first.

So to name them in public, here are my short term goals:
  • 2250 fitness minutes for the month of January
  • Back under 150 lbs
  • Get the recipe section of the book edited and dispersed to testers
  • Continue to gather, transcribe and edit the posts from this blog that want to be in the book

So may it be. And so it is.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Scatter Your Seeds and Let Go

Since it is almost Winter Solstice, my thoughts keep coming back to seeds. Metaphorical seeds: Dream Seeds, Love Seeds, Seeds of Transformation. And I've been thinking a lot about the Solstice, the Dream Time and what it means to be a being in a body in this life, in this world.

I had a series of thoughts that I want to plant right here. If you can get on board with the premise that when we put love and care out in the world, we are casting metaphorical seeds, then follow me here: These seeds, blown on the winds, carried by streams and rivers, transported on the coats of animals or our own socks, sometimes burned in fires that remove their outer casings which allows them to grow, need fertile or welcoming or just the right kind of soil to take hold, root and sprout.

I think one of the Great Mysteries is that we don't always or even often get to know where our seeds of love, hope, inspiration and care go, or if they sprout or not. Maybe they rest deep in the heart of someone for years and when the magic of alchemy of Divine Right Timing happens and that seed sprouts, they might not even know where it came from, just that they are inspired to change, to grow, to heal.


I have faith that as I walk my life in all the layers of my being, that these seeds I scatter on the winds, that stick on my socks, burn in the fire, or drift downstream on the river will go where they are needed when their time is ripe. I don't get to say when and I don't always get to know how. What I do know is that I have faith that scattering the seeds matters.


And that is what I wanted to share: We are all Good Right and Beautiful and sometimes we just have to scatter our seeds and let go.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Rest In Peace, Christy Molnar

I got word yesterday that a woman that I worked with for many years, many years ago had died. We worked together from 1986 through the early 90's. I was a newbie wine sales person and she was a seasoned veteran. She taught me a lot. She was tenacious. She was seductive. She knew how to find a YES right up there with the best of them. Her phone name was Christy Love.

She was also a morbidly obese chain smoker. And this was in the 80's. From what I've learned from mutual friends, she maintained her obesity and her smoking habit all the way until the end. About a year or so ago, a mutual friend said she had become nonabulatory. She died alone in her home on Monday night. Her housekeeper found her Tuesday morning.

On Christmas Day she would have been 59.
Rest in Peace, Christy. May you be free of suffering, free of pain.

And yes. This is a cautionary tale.

The Wheel Of The Year Turns to Solstice and The Peak of The Dream Time

The wheel of the year has turned a complete turn since my retreat at Harbin Springs last Winter Solstice. Phiona, our 1986 Toyota Dolphin is packed to go. The intention today is to take her to the KOA and flush her grey and black water systems, then go to Chevron to fill the propane tank and finally to the gas station to fill her up and check the air in her tires. The only possible problem with my plan to leave tomorrow for up to 6 nights at the springs is the weather. I'm gazing out at a garden and meadow covered in a few inches of snow. The top of my hottub is dusted with some new snow that fell last night. We may not be able to get Phiona down our ski slope of a street to get her to town to do all that we intended. The weather report is for snow and rain and then some more of the same with some breaks in between all the way through Monday. I'm supposed to leave tomorrow, Thursday. Harbin Springs is at about the same elevation as I am here at home, but 90 miles away and further inland. (Yes, many things I love dearly in this world are 90 miles away from where I live....in different directions even!) That's a long way to drive an old RV in bad weather, loaded to the gills. I'm challenged enough driving this mini behemoth on a sunny day.



I have to gently laugh at myself for all the obstacles my brain throws up around leaving town for overnights. I call it mild agoraphobia and I am sorry that I have to go through this every time I want or need to go out of town, but I am also grateful it isn't worse than it is. I can push through it. Usually I feel like I'm getting sick a few days or the day before I'm supposed to leave. This time, the Universe threw me a real sickness as I've witnessed Tara come down with and suffer from and still be recovering from a nasty respiratory illness that had her down from last Thursday night through yesterday, Tuesday morning. She went to work yesterday, but came home totally exhausted and went to bed at 10:00. I have been taking immunity boosters several times a day and so far, so good. I had felt invaded by this virus right around the same time as Tara had, but my rock solid immune system seems to have fended it off. I'm still on yellow alert, but I'm not feeling invaded any more. This is good, as while the RV has heat, it is too noisy to run it while sleeping, and the very scanty insulation lets all the heat leach out pretty quickly.



Last year it was very cold at the springs; down in the teens and 20s at night. I slept in double layers, under a quilt and 2 sleeping bags, wearing a hat. I would get up in the morning to about 35 degrees in the RV, jump down from the bed, flip on the heater and the stove to make my coffee, leap back up into the bed and wait. By the time my kaffe maker was done making my coffee, it would be an almost civilized 50 degrees in there: warm enough to get up and start my day.



It's totally dry/self-contained camping at Harbin, but not too far away from the RV parking is a second overflow lot that is available for RV and car camping if there is nothing happening in the workshop space next to this lot. The reason I'm bringing this up is that there is an outside electrical outlet on the side of this building. This is where I would charge my cell phone and laptop last year. I did this on the sly. No one used this workshop space the entire time I was there and if that is true again this year, I am going to bring a 100' heavy guage extension cord and see about plugging in at night so I can use my electric heater for warmth, as well as charge my electronics. I'll have to unplug early in the morning and only plug back in after dark. I'll probably get my hand slapped if I get caught, but I'm willing to take the chance for my comfort and ease. If it doesn't work out, I know what it will look like and that is fine.



So this is what the agoraphobe (me) has to do before feeling safe enough to leave town: I have to visualize my possibilities, make contingency plans and visualize what each plan might look like. The rough sketch view is that I will be there for six nights. I will follow my own bliss path like I did last year: eat, sleep, hike, do yoga, soak, write, read, be internal, be external all on my own time, following my own desires and rhythms. I want to work on my book and get a big hunk done. Last year I mostly worked on the How I Did The Work To Lose The Weight part and this time I want to begin with starting to create subsections for the cookbook and see where the big holes are. I also want to put some major effort in what I feel is the crux of the book: How I Keep the Weight Off Year After Year. I have a couple of books to read including the last remaining unread Kay Kenyon book that I bought from Amazon last spring and have been saving for this trip. I'm going to do a bunch of cooking today so I can bring food that is already made and not have to spend a whole lot of time cooking dinners. I didn't do this last year. I'm going to make seitan this morning. Later I think I'll make a batch of my black bean, sweet potato chili, some salad dressing and a batch of a new lentil soup that I created while Tara was sick.



The waters at Harbin are so wonderful and sometimes, especially when I'm there for a few days or more, just being around them is enough and I only go in the pools maybe 1 or 2 times a day. The hot pool is less hot in the deep cold; probably only 110 degrees. The cold plunge is almost heart stoppingly cold at about 55-60 degrees. It takes fortitude and courage to do rounds of that. Mostly I stay in the warm pool, a pretty tepid 102 degrees, except where the hot pool feeds into the warm pool at the far end where there is a hole in the concrete. I call it the hot hole. The water right in the vicinity of the hole is more to my liking: about 104 degrees. I always feel deeply healed by these waters, even if my soaking sessions are short.



In the year that has transpired, much has happened, much has changed. I saw Tara through a cancer scare and a total hysterectomy, followed by a 4 month MRSA infection in one of the surgery sites and the total hormone crash of the surgical menopause. Her forced menopause and the stress that ensued from the health scare, the surgery, the MRSA infection, the hormone crash pushed me into the next level of my own menopause journey. Over the past nine months I've seen huge changes in my own workings. Without going into the gory minutae of all of it, suffice it to say that my symptoms have been enough for me to start getting regular blood tests for hormone levels and to start doing bioidentical hormones under my osteopath's care.



It was hard at first and I didn't like the way the progesterone was making me feel. I was edgy and didn't feel like myself. The thing it did do for me was give me better sleep than I've had in years. The DHEA was useful too to alleviate many of my uncomfortable symptoms. I have started and stopped and started again. My doctor has been saying to me that my thyroid levels are very low and in following them, I am witnessing them slowly but steadily falling. What is true in "the real world" is that my energy levels have dropped as well. For a long while there, I kept accelerating my workouts: running further and faster, doing harder and harder things in my yoga practice. I called it "Personal Best" and the finding how far this beautiful and nearing-50-year-old body could go was exciting and gratifying. At some point, not knowing exactly when, I stopped trying to to do more and was pretty much staying where I was. And then, a couple of months ago, I noticed that the levels I had attained were becoming harder to do. Whereas the outer edges of my limits were, say, 1 1/2 hours running up the mountain and back, now only an hour of running and hiking would leave me more tired later in the day than the 1 1/2 hours did just a couple of months ago. The same was happening with my yoga practice. I found myself less willing to do the harder flows and felt challenged by flows that had been much easier just a couple of months ago.



My osteopath had been suggesting that if I took just a little bit of thyroid, I'd probably feel a whole lot better. I came home and told Tara this and she said, "You know Maddy, thyroid is one of those things that once you start taking it, you don't get to stop." That was alarming to me and from that place of being alarmed, I refused the offer of a prescription. My doctor, who is a great person and a fine doctor that doesn't make me bad or wrong or blame me for being out of whack because I won't do what he says, suggested that I do homeopathic thyroid and adrenal support instead. I agreed. But after 6 weeks of these very expensive remedies, I not only felt no better, I felt a little worse. My last blood test showed that my thyroid levels are scraping the bottom of normal and have one foot in hypothyroidville. So two days ago I asked him, "If I take thyroid and the end of oil happens and I can't get my meds or any other thing comes up and I have to stop taking it, what will happen?" (I love that he didn't even roll his eyes energetically at my question.) He replied, "You'll crash and then rebalance to about where you are now." And that was good enough for me. I told him to write the prescription.



Yesterday was my first day taking 15 mg of thyroid. (OK. Laugh at me. I'm very sensitive to medications.) For the first four hours I felt nothing and then I had an uncomfortable hour or two of feeling like I was on speed. My heart was beating faster and I was having a hard time focusing on anything. Then that leveled out and I felt, er, GREAT. As in, I felt at 5:00 teaching my drum class, as good as I feel first thing in the morning when I am at my best. It was a great class. I felt happy and inspired and inspiring. I had the juice to teach the class. And I realized that I have been struggling more and more to teach this class at a time of day that during other days of the week, I am doing nothing more complicated than starting dinner. I realized yesterday that I've been doing less and less in the "after tea time" part of the day because I don't have the brain power or the juice to do it. That is a lot of hours in my waking day to be doing little to nothing of any intrinsic value. And yesterday I got to see how much I've changed, how much function I had lost or was losing. And to think that I may be getting it back or forward or something is frankly, rather thrilling.



So in bringing this rambling posting full circle, I am not the grrl I was one year ago....not to say that I have ever been the grrl I was one year before whenever "now" was....but it is a good reckoning to see how my body has changed as I dance the menopause dance; the aging dance. For 4 years I was all about losing weight, becoming a person who exercises, acquiring a fit and muscled body, becoming a vegan, maintaining that weight loss and now in year 5, I've come into this "new" body and am finally seeing the aging process in action. My doctor called this hormone and thyroid adventure "a youth treatment" and I protest that phrase. My veggieboard friend Ruth rephrased it as "balance treatment" and I've amended that to "balance therapy". Because when I sift through all the minutae of my feelings and wonderings about, am I doing this for my health or for my vanity? And does it really matter which? What I come up with, and thanks to my ROARS Yahoo group where I posed this dilemma about health or vanity and got pages of wonderful insight, reflection and support, is a balance of both health and vanity. It is a balancing act for this dear body that loves this life so much and I want to feel good inside of her. I want to have these "do over" years; these years of making up for all those years of living like I didn't have a body, living in a vibrantly alive feeling body. I do the work to have that and if I feel I need to use a medication and hormones to help me, I am coming to peace with that decision.



And so the grrl I Am Now will leave on retreat. If I can't get out tomorrow, I'll leave the next day or the day after that. It doesn't matter. What will be will be. And I will be the person I am now, having my little Winter Solstice adventure, honoring the Dream Time, honoring the fertile, quiet places within myself that need alone time, space and being away to speak to me; to guide me as I see this year to a close and step onto the new wheel, to honor the return of the sun, keep the fire burning in my heart in faith that spring will return and I will once again plant many wonderful things in the garden of my being.

Tuesday, December 09, 2008

A Pep Talk To Others, But Essentially, I Think, To Myself

(I posted this on the Veggie Board yesterday before I got on the scale yesterday afternoon. I never get on a scale in the afternoon, so I can only say in my defense, that I'd just gone for an hour's run and was in my post cardio, sweaty state in which I weigh in. I did not expect to see 155 lbs. But there it was. After doing weight and strength training this morning I was no better than 154.6. After a morning run, I might see 154 give or take. And this is higher than I've been at this time of year since I hit goal.

My menopause journey has amped up a lot. After some starting and stopping, I have resumed taking bioidentical hormones. DHEA and Progesterone to be specific. I know that some of this weight is from taking hormones and the water I can feel that I am retaining. And I know that the body is wise to hold weight to ease the transition to menopause because there is estrogen in that fat. And there is clearly a little more of me around my middle. This is cause for concern and for action, but I have to stop, breathe, and say that I'm not panicking. Nor am I feeling nonchalant about it. I've upped my cardio exercise and am working on my total calorie input for the day. My body is protesting, both crafitly and blatantly, yet being mean or punishing to myself is not an option. This is how I've changed. Constantly redefining what something is by seeing what it looks like is another way I've changed on this journey. And these are good things.

Following, is what I wrote yesterday. I guess in the end, I wrote it for myself. )

12/8/08
I've been witnessing quite a few frustrated Weight Watchers on the Vegetarian Message Board posting lately about plateaus or gains. I have some things to share as a person who was on the losing plan for 2 years and is now coming around the wheel for my 3rd time as a maintainer.

1) We are in the time of year I call the Food Orgy Season. From Halloween through New Year's Day, the world around us is pushing sweets, potlucks, lunches and dinners out on us. Often it is impossible to decline these invitations either because it would be throwing the baby out with the bathwater, or bad politics. So we attempt to eat lightly the rest of that day, maybe we get a little extra exercise, we try to be careful in our choices. And it is damn hard to do! People not trying to lose weight really have NO IDEA how fraught with peril a Christmas party or company lunch can be for a weight watcher! But we go and we do our best.

Finally, the first of the year comes and the Food Orgy season becomes the Season of Repentance. This is the season where gym and Weight Watcher memberships soar. It seems like the whole world "goes on a diet" or embarks upon a fitness regime. If this looks like the world around you and you are plateauing or have gained a couple of pounds, you are DOING GREAT! Given the pressures and the minefields you have to walk through, staying the same or going up a little is FANTASTIC! KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK! The Season of Repentance starts in just 3 1/2 weeks!

2) You were losing steadily and then the colder weather came, the summer fruits and veggies were done, the heavier vegetables/starches of winter appeared in the stores so your meals got a little or a lot denser, and it became much harder to get out of bed in the dark. You may have what I call Bear Getting Ready to Hibernate Syndrome. Your body is wise. She is gathering her fat and holding it tight because fat keeps us warmer! We may feel more sluggish or not as inclined to get ourselves out to the gym or in front of our work out DVDs or to the Wii, or outside for a hike, a run, a bike ride. For me, I have found that if I just adjust the how and the when of my exercise program, I can still burn the same number of calories or close to it that I was burning in the summer. My pattern of running or hiking in the early morning isn't very attractive when it's dark and freezing out. So I do my yoga and weights in the early morning still because I always do that in my living room, but I have cut myself the deal of doing my cardio in the early/mid afternoons, OR doing it at the gym where it's warm.

You can accomodate that bearish feeling to some degree, but you can't totally give into it, or you'll just find yourself sleeping for 4 months. Give and take. Stay in bed later means that you have to w/o in the afternoon or evening. That's the deal. Keep your agreements with yourself.

Regarding the food mine fields: I have found that getting a good cardio workout on either side of a relatively large meal, usually a holiday or celebration meal, meaning that day and the next day, as well as eating lightly and even doing just roasted veggies all day the next day and then resuming normal eating at dinner will usually allow me to "get away with" a large, caloric meal.

3) Watch your self-talk. Be aware of how you are relating to yourself as you deal with your food and activity challenges. Being mean to yourself and calling yourself a failure doesn't further the cause AT ALL. In fact, it can lead you down the rocky road to giving up. NEVER GIVE UP! Nothing ever stays the same and your plateau will break. The couple/few coming-into-winter pounds you gained will come off again. Just stay on program or get back on program, do the work and one day you will step on that scale and be at goal. I promise. It took me 2 years to lose 45 lbs. That was an average of .43 lbs a week. I had two long "fall stall" plateaus both those years and have gained up to 5 lbs each fall since then. And as of today I have those five pounds more than when I hit goal almost 3 years ago and I declare those 5 lbs as my "bear weight" that I expect to have gone by the time I hit my 3 year maintenance anniversary on March 1st, 2009.

4) Getting through the fall is tough for so many of us for reasons that are other than food. Many of us are compelled to spend time with our families around the holidays...people who seem to live in a different universe than we do. They push our buttons, bring up very old feelings, but we travel to see them or have them come travel to see us. If you have a hard family dynamic but do this every year, first: Ask yourself why? Is the world going to end if you take yourself out of the passion play? If you absolutely have to and do it anyway and come home or send them home and are still in one piece, you are an Iron Person! Pat yourself on the back and move on.

Getting through the fall-into-New Year is, for many of us, the toughest time of year for all these reasons and more that I'm not thinking of. We are almost there! 3 1/2 weeks from now it will be January 1, 2009. If you've made it this far with your sense of humor somewhat intact and your commitment to your weight loss, fitness and health still close to your heart then you are your own hero. Embrace that. You are a HERO.

Next Thursday I leave for the hot springs for my annual retreat. Instead of seeking out people, family, friends, I retreat. I'll take Phiona again and maybe stay this time for six days. That will be six days of really getting reconnected with as many aspects of myself as I can handle. And then maybe a couple more. Part of following my pleasure and bliss path on my personal retreat includes caring tenderly and with much awareness for this body and all she holds. I will work on this book some more. I will hike, run, bathe, steam, do yoga, think, love myself, feed myself, follow my pleasure path and see where it leads. Find the dream seeds I want to plant in my garden in the new year. And I will come out on the other side of this fall into darkness, Fall into Winter season and I will witness and feel the sun start to return. And I will be my own hero.

Sunday, November 30, 2008

A Weight Watcher's Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was a lovely, low-key day. Daniel, our son, came up the night before so we could cook together. Last year, I had gone to his house where he had cooked his first Thanksgiving. It was a hard day: His girlfriend at the time didn't show up until way after dinner was over. Her mother came and that was pleasant, but I remember him being pretty stressed out and not supported by his g/f who chose to have dinner with her father. And then there was me; coming into his house with all my own vegan dishes in tow. I remember that his stovetop was broken, and I brought my 2 burner hot plate. For a young, talented gourmet cook, it was a challenging day for him.

This year, he came bearing my Celebration Field Roast and the turkey thighs/legs that he, Tara and our friend Debbie would eat. He was my hero, as the closest Celebration Roast was down in Sonoma County where Daniel lives: 90 miles south. I'm sure I could have made my own seitan-something, but I was already planning a pretty extensive menu for the whole dinner and was grateful for being able to "cheat" with an already prepared roast.

Before I tell you about the day, let me tell you a knife story: I've had a Henckel Four Star 6" chef's knife since 1981. It has been one of my most cherished posessions. I used it when I worked as a chef and I have used it daily for over 25 years. And after all these years the tang and the handle are still firmly bonded. The blade tip, however has had a mishap. Recently, Tara sharpened the blade for me and spent some time straightening out the tip, which had suffered some mysterious mishap at some point. It was just slightly bent, but intact. The sharpening and straightening was too much for the tip and one day about a month ago, the tip parted from the rest of the knife. Just like injuring your finger or hand, you never realize how much you use an appendage until you injure it. My knife, while still cutting and chopping like a champ, had lost one of its minor functions and it became clear it was time to replace it. I have replaced it with a hollow blade 8" Henckel Four Star and while I was at it, I also bought a Four Star 4" paring/utility knife and a peeler. I am quite happy with my new knife. The hollow blade design keeps thinly sliced vegetable from sticking to the side of the blade. I am getting used to a bigger/longer knife. I have used and tried out other knives, but for me, nothing appeals like the Four Star line by Henckel. I think this bears mentioning because your knives are your most important tools. A poorly made dull knife is far more dangerous a tool than a well made, wicked-sharp one.


(Back to Thanksgiving) I started the cool, foggy day with an 80 minute excursion in the woods. I ran most of it, only hiking the biggest hills on the route and burned 650 calories. That, I figured, would give me a good jump on the day. Have I mentioned my menopause journey? Well, suffice it to say, we've amped it up a notch and I have been going longer and longer between periods. Now I'm up in the 40-something days in between and after about the 30th day, I've been retaining water like crazy. I know I've gained some weight, but I hadn't weighed in a couple of weeks, so I thought it would be a good motivational tool to get on the scale after my run. I was stunned and sobered by the number: 153.8. This is up 2.2 lbs from just two weeks prior. At 4 lbs over my redline, I realized that I have to turn the ship around and I have to do it now, foodie holy day or no foodie holy day.


So OK. Feedback is good. I'd burned a fair number of calories and in my view, earned my not WW friendly slice of pecan pie as well as my slice of far more friendly pumpkin pie.


After the run, I made breakfast for Daniel and myself. It was one of my typical breakfasts: tofu, veggies, hashbrowns with nutritional yeast and gomasio. Pretty big, filling breakfast. We ate at about 10:30. Soon after, the cooking began. I had made the pies the day before as well as the wild rice for the stuffing. Daniel and Tara collaberated on the turky related parts of the dinner. I sauted onions and celery for the dressings, as there would be two: One vegan one for me and one for them. When everything was cooking or done cooking, we went for about a half hour tromp through the woods looking for mushrooms. No one wanted to do much hiking so we went to a pretty well-combed patch of woods right up from the house. We didn't find any edibles, but had fun tromping around. We came home and I picked a bunch of carrots from the garden. Daniel and I munched carrots through the rest of the early afternoon.


Our friend Debbie came over at about 3:00 and we sat down to dinner at 4:00.


This was the total menu:
Celebration Roast for me (2 slices, total 3.2 oz)
Turkey for them
Vegan mushroom gravy
Turkey gravy
Vegan bread and wild rice stuffing
Not vegan bread and wild rice stuffing
Green beans from the garden simmered with garlic and vegetable bouillion
A giant salad with
Miso Balsamic Dressing
Potatoes mashed with Earth Balance and homemade veg broth, salt and pepper
Cranberry sauce (out of the can due to the perverse tastes of my wife and son)
Pumpkin pie (scroll downdowndown Bryanna's page and you'll find it)
Pecan pie (this came out OK, but not great, so I'm not going to share the recipe)
Soyatoo
Whipped Cream
Really really good red wine


Here is a picture of my plate. I eschewed the mashed potatoes. The stuffing is 1/4 of the recipe posted; about one cup. My total dinner was 620 calories, 60 gms of carbohydrates, 28 gms of fat, 0 cholesterol, 27 gms of protein and 11 gms of fiber.

Here's a picture of dessert. Now this was what I went running for in the morning: the combined dessert of a thin slice of pecan pie and a more generous slice of pumpkin pie ran a total of 600 calories, 87 gms of carbohydrate, 27 gms of fat, 0 cholesterol, 5 gms protein and 8 gms of fiber.
Total calories for the day were about 1650. Total points for the day were about 33. Not bad for a feast day!


Here's something I've learned about feasts and weight watching: There was so much food, but I didn't have everything. In this case, I passed over the mashed potatoes for stuffing which is such a once-a-year thing. I had less than one cup of stuffing and less than one full serving (4 oz) of Celebration roast. I used about 1/4 cup of gravy and about 1 Tbsp of salad dressing. Yet look at my plate: It's full. And after eating everything on it, so was I. Comfortably full. Not stuffed. Not distended. Somewhere over the line of satisfied, as after all it was a feast, but comfortably full. I think this is important. Now let's dovetail this with my weighing myself in the morning: I have gained a few pounds. Some of it is due to menopause-ish bloat, but some of it is due to the overeating I've been doing these past couple of months. I was 149.8 on September 27th. On November 27th I was four pound heavier. This is significant; definitely a yellow alert situation. But I think it is important to say here that I didn't punish myself for gaining a few pounds, beat myself about the head and shoulders and do some kind of pennance for it, nor deny myself a feast on a feast day.


What I did instead was this:
~ I ran for over an hour and burned 650 calories
~ I had a hearty late breakfast
~ I noshed on carrots in lieu of lunch
~ I had a full plate, but reasonable feast dinner and dessert, savoring it all
~ The next day, Friday, I ate only fruit in the morning and only roasted vegetable for the rest of the day until dinner, which was a normal dinner. I had pie for dessert that night.
~ Also on Friday, I did 1 1/2 hours of vigorous yoga and went to the gym in the afternoon for 50 minutes of steep incline on the treadmill. Total calories burned on Friday were 700.


Yesterday I went for a mushroom hike for a couple of hours and got on the scale upon my return. I was down to 152.8. Net loss 1 lb.


The purpose of all of this detailed sharing is to illustrate that I, we, you can have it "all". I, we, you can indulge occasionally or even often, as long as there is balance. The key, as I see it, to maintaining a fairly large weighloss is to find where that balance points are for myself and make the necessary course corrections when my projection of that balance is off, which is reflected to me on the scale.


Now here we are after all the feasting was over. Just look at us! Do I look like I'm suffering? Deprived? Hungry? (I don't think so.)

Monday, November 24, 2008

The Wheel of the Year Has Turned: It's Mushroom Season!

Tara and I went for a walk on the Rockefeller trail yesterday afternoon. This isn't a trail I go on too often, but it's a nice 3 1/2 mile walk: gently downhill going out and gently uphill coming back. There is a court that you cross from part one of the trail to part two.

Coming down part one, I espied the first Chanterelle of the season. It is a little early for Chanterelles, but this beauty wasn't out of season. I didn't have a bag with me, so unfortunately, I had to gently break the mushroom in half so as to fit it in my sweatshirt pocket. I was so thrilled, as I seem to have missed the Boletes this year altogether, which are my favorite mushrooms to dry, but the mighty White Chanterelle is by far my favorite to eat fresh and pick. They don't host bugs or their larvae, they are easy to clean and their growing season is quite long. So if that had been all I had gotten, I would have been deeply satisfied, but there was more:

When we got back to the court after the return trip up part 2 of the trail, I thought of Walter and Barbara, a great older couple that live in the first house down this steep street. Walter and I have traded produce over the years. His eco-climate is different than mine. He grows wicked huge onions and I grow wicked huge winter squash. His dog Scooter was out and ran up the street to greet us. I remembered the Lion's Mane mushroom tree. This is an ordinary young tan oak tree that happens to host the mycillium of the mighty Lion's Mane. Just one tree; and every year it produces one to three giant Lion's Mane mushrooms. It's a little early in the season, but with apparent climate changes, 'normal' seems to be constantly changing.


Walter came to see who Scooter was barking at and we all greeted each other. And there, across the street from Walter's house was the prize: a 2 1/4 lb Lion's Mane in all its fully ripe glory. Walter, who doesn't eat wild mushrooms told me that his son in law, whom he picks the Mane for every year wasn't coming this year. He loaned us a ladder and Tara climbed up and cut this beauty off the tree, leaving the "root" of the mycillium attached and taking just the "fruit". And here she is in all her 2 1/4 lb glory.

I never was a winter person. Yet the thrill of the hunt has helped me transition from my native summer preference to this wet, darker, cold season. All hail the mighty mushroom!

Saturday, November 22, 2008

Recipe Time! The Perfect Vegan Omelette

At last! The perfect vegan omelette is mine! (And yours if you wish to make it.)

I have been adjusting this recipe for a long time. Funny thing is that it took doing the counter-intutitive thing to get the right texture. By adding More liquid instead of less, this set up beautifully and didn't fall apart when I folded it over. It was golden brown on the outside, creamy on the inside and just delicious. The blended tofu, etc should be thin enough to pour into the omelette pan, with a rubber spatula only needed to scrape the last bits out of the blender/processor. This is a bit of a messy production to make, but if you are vegan and miss the whole dynamic of eggs folded over filling, I think you will find it worth the work.

Ingredients
4 oz firm silken tofu
1 Tbsp cornstarch
1 Tbsp flour
1 1/2 Tbsp nutritional yeast
1 tsp onion powder
salt and pepper to taste
5-6 Tbsp water or broth
1/2 - 1 cup veggies of your choice, sauted. (I used 1/4 cup leeks, 1 jalapeno pepper, 1 cup fresh mushrooms and 2 cups fresh spinach)
1/2 oz vegan cheese sub (optional) I used Cheezly Mozzerella style

Directions
In a small blender or mini food processor combine tofu, water or broth, onion powder, salt, pepper, nutritional yeast, flour and cornstarch. Blend until very smooth.

Have veggies for the omelette cooked and ready.

Heat a non stick pan with some oil spray. Pour in the "omelette" mixture and gently spread to the edges of the pan. Let cook for a few minutes on medium until bubble holes appear from outer edges and have moved in about 2".

Spread cheese sub and veggies over 1/2 the surface. Check bottom. It should be nicely browned to golden. Gently fold over omelette style. Cook another minute, and press gently down on surface. If the inside is liquidy at all, then carfully flip over and cook another minute or two on the other side.

Omelette should slide onto plate and be ready to enjoy.

If you'd rather do it fritatta style, have broiler preheated before you start. This must be cooked in a cast iron or other broiler-safe pan. Start on stovetop and cook until bottom is set, then slide under the broiler for about 2 minutes until top is hot and bubbly but not burning.

This is such a nutritional powerhouse that I'm posting the "long version"

Nutrition Facts
Serving Size: 1 serving
Amount Per Serving
Calories 262.5
Total Fat 9.0 g
Saturated Fat 3.1 g
Polyunsaturated Fat 2.6 g
Monounsaturated Fat 0.9 g
Cholesterol 0.0 mg
Sodium 323.5 mg
Potassium 1,234.6 mg
Total Carbohydrate 28.2 g
Dietary Fiber 6.7 g
Sugars 5.7 g
Protein 22.0 g

Vitamin A 122.3 % Vitamin B-12 100.2 % Vitamin B-6 379.2 % Vitamin C 46.2 % Vitamin D 13.3 % Vitamin E 9.0 % Calcium 25.5 % Copper 36.6 % Folate 42.5 % Iron 27.5 % Magnesium 33.2 % Manganese 45.7 % Niacin 229.5 % Pantothenic Acid 12.4 % Phosphorus 36.3 % Riboflavin 454.8 % Selenium 34.8 % Thiamin 499.8 % Zinc 27.0 %

Monday, November 17, 2008

From Pundits to Puppies

OK, it's obvious. I haven't been blogging much lately. Life has been running me at full tilt and there have been too many plates to be kept up in the air (picture me juggling plates as I run to keep up with my life,) and I can't say that none have hit the ground and smashed over these past couple of weeks. My weight is up, my energy is down, the march to menopause is, well, marching along with all its humbling symptoms and I am just tiredtiredtired and starting to dream of my Winter Solstice retreat with the RV at the hot springs.

Without getting into the relief and joy of the Presidential Election literally cancelled out by the kick in the guts by the Rovian-like campaign that passed CA Propostition 8, I have been feeling many things including overwhelm and no small degree of depression. That has been lifting and I am almost embarassed to say that Puppy Cam has been my favorite depression-lifting tool this last week. MSNBC broke the story about the live webcam that watches six 5 week old Shiba Inu pups while their people aren't home. (Here's the video of the story.)

(from the homepage) The six Shiba Inu pups (3 boys and 3 girls) turned 5 weeks old on November 11th. This is the first litter from their mom, Kika.
Girls:
-Autumn (Purple collar) - 3 lbs 5.8 oz (as of Nov 11th)
-Ayumi (Yellow collar) - 3 lbs 3.4 oz (as of Nov 11th)
-Amaya (Red collar) - 3 lbs 6.6 oz (as of Nov 11th)
Boys:
-Aki (Green collar) - 4 lbs 0.4 oz (as of Nov 11th)
-Akoni (Black collar) - 3 lbs 12.6 oz (as of Nov 11th)
-Ando (Blue collar) - 4 lbs 1.2 oz (as of Nov 11th)

What started as a great idea to use the Internet and newer technology to keep an eye on their puppies, has become a worldwide phenomenon, or in the current vernacular, it's gone viral. The MSNBC report claimed that over 4 million people have been watching the puppies. I can say that I've been keeping a browser window open throughout the day and between 9:00 am and 9:00 pm, I've seen no fewer than 10,000 viewers on the site and as many as over 30,000. And this is at one time.

But over and above how many other people are watching the puppies, this has been a weird and comforting antidote to all the msnbc.msn.com videos, Keith O and Rachel M videos, youtube campaign videos, more pundits, more campaign videos even more pundits, more campaign woofwoof, opinions, polls and creepy, nerdy Nate Silver in his elongated fifteen minutes of fame with his fivethirtyeight.com savant-i-ness at creating eerily accurate polling outcomes. In answer to all that led up to and beyond November 4th, 2008, there came, into my home a view from a camera, volume on and sometimes off, focused on six adorable, rough and tumble puppies.

When I hear yipping or growling coming from the office and I'm in another room, I hurry in to see what they are up to. I watch them wrestle, play with their variety of toys, twitch in their dreams, pee, visit with their humans and sleep. They sleep a lot and it obvious how much they've grown in just a week. Sometimes their people come in. You never see either of their faces and they have remained anonymous to the world. Some lucky people have seen Kika, their mother come into their pen to nurse. I'm not one of those people.

I found out about Puppy Cam on the veggieboard, that seemingly endless fount of love, friendship, support and magic in my life. I never have to read another online 'zine to know what is going on of any import in the world. I just have to go to my Weight Watchers online group and it's all there. And that was how Puppy Cam has come into my life.

When I told an in-real-life friend about this phenomenon and how attached I've become and how it makes me a little befuddled to have gotten attached to these babies, she replied, "They're babies! Full of love and innocence. And love and innocence make people feel good."

Word to that.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Off Topic: Keith Olbermann Was an American Hero Last Night

This blog isn't per se, a political blog in the classic sense, but with my growing distress over the outright lies and abuses being bandied about by the McShame campaign, I have to post this. I saw this on huffingtonpost.com last night. Keith's anger and righteous indignation was like a strong wind blowing the dust off the windshield.

Thank you Keith. Last night you were a hero.

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Totally Off Topic: Is It Just Me?

Or do you bristle or cringe too everytime you heard yourself referred to by politicians, not as the American People but as Main Street?

The other thing: I watched CSPAN today for hours while the Senate made their pitches and finally voted on the new bailout bill...not that they're daring to call it that anymore....and then I watched them all congratulating themselves at coming to this monumental decision, on our behalves of course, crossing party lines and working together and what a historic day this has been.

John McCain has been talking like a benevolent patriarch grandpa to an adoring audience for about half an hour his tone of voice as he talked about drilling into the body of the Earth and building more nuclear power plants like he's telling a bedtime story, and then tooting his own horn...the level of self-congratulations of all of them makes me feel sort of ill.

I'm not MainfuckingStreet. And I don't trust or believe you. I'm with Bernie.
You Senators all played nice. Woohoo for you. It's a learned skill. Maybe you learned something?
John McCain scares the shit out of me

Over and out.

Tuesday, September 30, 2008

What a Difference a Mountain Makes

There is this run I do when I'm feeling the running mojo. It reaches my outer endurance limits, at least for where I am right now, gives me several running environments to face and always leaves me feeling pretty proud of myself.

I know I've mentioned my O/C tendencies and how having a Polar F4 Heart Rate Monitor helps me channel my obsessive/compulsiveness in a good way. I'm constantly gauging time:distance ratios, creating new personal bests, etc. Lately, I have been starting my HRM at the trail head and not right out of the door when I start. Without that 1/4 mile walk down to the trail head in the mix, I realized this morning that my route had four clear sections of 1.3 miles each. That is 5.2 miles, my (so far) personal best. I only do this particular route about once every 1o days or so because this route not only includes about an 800 ft elevation climb, but also, running 5.2 miles, while exhilirating, is hard on my hips and knees and I want to be able to do it for a long time to come. So I take pains to protect my 48 year old body from overdoing injuries.

I usually run every other day. In the dry season, this is the piece of woods I run in. I can't go all the way to the end in a high water year, as there are 3 creek crossings; the first I can creatively get around, the second has an alternate way alongside it instead of over it which is passable in all but the highest water month, but the third is pretty impossible to cross without getting one's feet and lower legs pretty wet which is not very pleasant when the outside temps are only in the 40's. So going all the way to the end of the 1.3, creekside leg is a privilege of the dry season and I do it often. At the end of the 1.3 mile creekside trail are two trails; one in either direction. The one to the left is aptly called Last Chance and goes up a steady, steep incline up to Ridge Road.

I find it a minor miracle that I can run up the whole thing period. And maybe I'm loosely using the word "running" as in I'm using the motions of running, but the grade is so steep for most of the trail that the word that comes to mind when I'm doing it is "shuffling". But today, I wanted to see how long it took me to run each leg as each leg has its challenges.
Leg 1: I'm warming up. I'm breaking through my resisitance to the very act of running for the first few minutes until the endorphins kick in. And they always kick in. It's just a matter of when. Usually, right after they kick in, I've reached the one hill on the trail: a 2/10's of a mile hill that's about a 5% grade.
Leg 2: As I said, about an 800 ft elevation climb over 1.3 miles, grade going as steep as 12% or so.
Leg 3: Just because it's downhill, doesn't mean it's easy. A steep downhill on a rocky trail requires really fit quads, constant vigilance to watch where I put my feet so as not to trip and fall. When you trip going downhill, you're far more likely to go all the way down instead of recover.
Leg 4: I'm entering or somewhere in my 5th mile, the steep downhill is over, I'm on relatively flat ground with the exception of one small hill in the middle and I'm tiring.

And the results today were:
Leg 1: 16 minutes
Leg 2: 26 minutes(!)
Leg 3: 13 minutes
Leg 4: 15 minutes
Total: 70 minutes to run 5.2 miles.

I admit this is very slow running time. Some runners would call it jogging. Snobby ones might call it shuffling. But a year ago I couldn't do this and now I can. Without stopping. And today when I finished getting back up the huge hill to the house my Polar F4 said I had burned 825 calories in 85 minutes: just under 10 per minute including my cool down. Not bad for an aging broad. I'll probably never be a fast runner. And that is just fine. But I can run up a mountain. And I sure like the way that sounds.

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

On Being a Role Model and a Hero

There is a newishly reborn thread that comes up almost daily lately on the Veggieboard. It's for maintainers like me. Weight Watchers gives just token support for maintaining. It's why I stopped paying them 2 years ago. And at the same time, my relationship with this online community via Weight Watchers is integral to my continued success. I don't need support terribly often, but when I do, I always get it there. The constant input of others; their victories, hard work, struggles, stumbles, all of it helps me succeed. What truly helps keep me on track is knowing that I am a role model for others who are dreaming of getting to where I am at now. I share my very human process and illustrate as often as it comes up how much work and focus it takes to keep this beautiful body that I love fiercely for the first time in my life.

Today on the Maintainers thread someone posted this, "I am in a bit of a slump. I have gained in 6 out of the last 7 weigh-ins (net gain of 5.6 pounds). While I am still under goal, this trend is becoming alarming. The only difference lately has been that I am trying to use more of my WPA (weekly Points Allowance: the extra 35 points per week you can use or not at your own discretion.) I have never had much luck with them - a handful here and there has been fine but when I continuously use most of them I gain. This is frustrating because I had been hoping to increase my intake a bit as I am starting to feel like I am dieting again - that I am restricting too much. I kinda hoped that once I maintained for a while I could start to 'live a little' - within moderation. To add insult to injury in my meeting someone kept calling me her 'hero' - I know, it does not sound so bad but I just got the news of another gain and I was not feeling very heroic. She kept asking for advice but I did not feel like my advice was very valuable. Then my leader used me as a 'successful' example in the meeting and I wanted to cry.
"Having lost the weight, do you ever find yourself being looked up to as a role-model? How do you handle it when you are not feeling very inspirational?"

I found I had a lot to say about this and realized this is a blog entry. This is something I want to keep instead of just putting it out there on a message board thread where it will disappear into the annals of time. So here is my reply.

I think I've got a lot to say about all of this. First of all, it doesn't matter how much or little you've lost. If you have lost to goal, you are a role model. Amounts don't matter. That's like saying that the only women worthy of being called beautiful are the photoshopped fakes on billboards and magazines. We are such a culture of extremists. Why is someone who has lost 100 lbs more of a role model than a smaller person who has lost 20? In my mind, the person who turned their ship around before they had 100 lbs to lose is a role model of that which is just as important and valid as the person who did the long, sloggy, hard work to lose the 100. The person who turns their ship around before they are morbidly obese is rolemodeling awareness that they are not OK where they are (20 lbs overweight) and doing the hard work of changing that reality.

I am a role model. And happy to be one. Not just for my successes but for my struggles to stay here, to keep this body. People who think that maintenance is easy are in for a total mindfuck once they get here because it's not easy. It's different from losing, but not easy. Yes, I eat more. I eat a lot more than when I was losing. I'm maintaining around 150 lbs and I eat about 1550-1800 calories a day, which translates upward of 30 pts a day. How do I do that? I am fit. I am really fit. I exercise 1-2 hours just about every day. I do hard cardio and balls-to-the-wall strength training. It has built me a muscle body that burns those calories up. If I were 150 lbs without this tone, I wouldn't be able to eat as much as I do. And yet I struggle with a body that is always pushing for more food, more treats and a head that's always pushing for more intensity and for Pete's sake! I'm 48! I bump up against those 48 year old joints every day. I'm always finding how far I can go without injury.

It's a weird kind of roulette I play. Mostly I win. Sometimes I lose and hurt myself. And the panic and discomfort I experience when I have to stay down! It's high drama, I tell you! But my struggles to stay here are real and they are daily. When a body is "used to" a certain amount of input (calories) and it has gained and has to be dialed in to relose those pounds, it's hardhardhard. But hard almost never stops me from trying and rarely stops me from succeeding. Why? Because it matters to me more than anything. I am fierce about it. And that's what I perceive I need to succeed.

A tool for maintaining that works for me: I have an upper redline and a lower redline. Whatever those numbers are, if I go above the upper, (I've never gone below the lower) then I have to dial in my eating behavior: eat less (which usually translates to snack less/exercise more until I get back in my happy zone or (if it ever came up) eat more so I'd gain back into my happy zone.

I don't feel like I'm on a diet. Why? Because I eat within these new patterns I established for myself over 2 years of losing and 2 1/2 years of maintaining. I really took the "lifestyle" concept to heart all that time ago. I am down with having to journal for life and be O/C about it all. I figure that no one taught this to me as a child: How to have and maintain habits for a healthy relationship with food. I really didn't know how to have a healthy relationship with any of my parts no less my food for so many years. So all of this is only 4 1/2 years old behavior for an old dog trying to learn and set a new trick. I need the structure.

As a maintainer, not only do we have to learn and implement these new behaviors, but we are doing that at the same time we are constantly uprooting the bramble-like tendrils of roots from however we were patterened as children. That's double jeopardy! And we're doing that! And that alone makes every one of us a role model and a hero. If we were perfect, we would demotivate people. It is our struggles and human condition that makes us role models, that others who are far from where we are can look and say, "She's a falliable human being. So am I. That must mean that when I get to goal, I'll be able to keep my weight off too."

Monday, September 08, 2008

I Keep Finding Photos on My Camera that Were Once Integral

....to a blog post I wanted to write, but time did it's drifter thing and by the time I've used the camera again, I look and look at the pictures and try to either remember what I was wanting to write about, but didn't (or) find that shimmery thing that sticks to me and begs me to write about it, but I can't find the shimmer. The moment has passed. It has drifted.

My San Pedro cactus bloomed this last week. It is only blooming for the second time. The first time was the taller section making one flower that became the now, only slightly shorter section. Now it has made eight flowers. After two months of these six, grey, fuzzy nodules appearing in a circle around the top of the smaller cactus, which is growing out of it's Mother, my original 9" tall cutting, which is sporting two of her own, eight flowers were just there and open at dawn four days ago. The nodules didn't seem, from the outside, anyway, to do much all summer and all of a sudden, the first seven bloomed with the eigth blooming the next day. Over the past four days they have gone from the surprise of birth to slimy droopy things, possibly holding the primordeal secret of new life within this flower that has folded in on itself and elongated from the base. If these flowers have been fertilized, and I did spy bees crawling inside them on their one day of glory, I will have to take cuttings and plant them all anew, giving them time to settle and root so I can give them as gifts just as I received my mother plant as a gift from a casual friend six or seven years ago.


And time keeps drifting in both the long and short view. I'm finding that this light season has not been a time of reflection and recording. More, it has been a time of doing and only reaching outward into my veggieboard community instead of the one on one relationships I have formed there, only doing the deeper intmacy work with Tara, but not other people. It's been the summer of feeling incapable of going any deeper than I've been actually going with other people. A pull in season while outwardly seeming to do a fair amount. At least that's how I see it. Tara might beg to differ. You'd have to ask her.
It's been the summer that I learned from taking the Myers-Briggs test that I am an introvert. And I realize that I never really knew the Jungian definition of an introvert: someone who is fed more by her own internal landscape than the ones outside of herself: Someone who feels drained after being around lots of other people and prefers small groups or being alone. This has been the summer of watching my beautiful wife heal and seem firmly on the path of wellness and finding strengths which have been happily retaken. This has been a summer of lots of doing what I feel I need to do for myself, and a serious struggle with being connected to others. This has been the summer of the dwindling drum student roster. I'm down to just Tuesday, my beloved drumming students, sisters, tribemates. And as I have observed this piece of my life seemingly unravelling, I am struck with the variety of my reactions to this curious thing which has been going on since early May. On the first Sunday in May, Pachamama performed triumphantly at the Willits Methodist Church. After that show, the Friday practice group ceased. In less than a month, the Wednesday beginner class lost 1/2 it's students, so it seemed wise to move the remaining 3 or 4 to the also-small Monday class. Last Monday was the last Monday class. I have moved the remaining student who isn't already coming to the Tuesday class over to the Tuesday class. We will see how she feels after class tomorrow. As of right now, I have eight students.
At first (of course) I thought it was me. That my magic was gone. All these months women have been telling me how much I have changed and enriched their lives and how much they love drum class, but can't come or commit to comming for reason A, B or C. Some swear they will return. That has yet to happen. Right now I am feeling the space where all that focus was and truly seeing it as a gift; a gift of space to fill or not. To fill with drumming or not. It feels like a sweater unravelling, but the fiber is so beautiful that surely it will be reknit into something even more beautiful. Once can hope.
So maybe, inside the flower of my creative center, which looks folded in on itself, there is a new something wonderful gestating, being formed, reformed. I have a book to write and share with the world. I have a garden in all the literal and metaphorical ways that word applies, to tend. As we come up to and pass the balance point of light:dark of the year, I intend to record more, start just doing the hard, sloggy work of creation. And we shall see what comes.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Oh These Interesting Times We Live In, or, "In a sense we have come to our nation's capital to cash a check." MLK, August 28, 1963

Last weekend, we were at the Northern Californa Women's Music Festival at the Black Oak Ranch in Laytonville CA. The headliner on Saturday night was Laura Love, an artist that I have loved for years but have never seen perform. (In trying to take a picture of her in the dark, I hit the video function by mistake and got about 10 seconds of video, for what it's worth.) video
Laura is a mixed race women whose great grandparents on one side were slaves. Below is a promo from her website about her recording NeGrass:

"NeGrass is an acoustic collection of traditional and original field hollers, Negro spirituals and folk songs[.] There is a personal and historic theme to NeGrass. It is something of a family history – Laura takes what she knows of her great grandparents’ lives and imagines how it might have been for them around the end of the Civil War as they were being freed from slavery and embarking into an unfamiliar world. NeGrass is a lovely, heartbreaking and joyful piece of work."

So this past week, I've been listening to NeGrass and thinking about the profound reality that in the 145 years since the Emancipation Proclamation was written into law, we have come to this place today, right here where a black man is running for President of the United States. I found this article today on Truthout.org "So Many Miles From Selma", that speaks to the changes we've come through as a country since the March on Washington on August 28, 1963. There are some great pictures of that historic event here.

My father, Ted Salzman, who was a civil rights activist teaching junior high school math in Harlem, NY at the time, asked me (age 3) if I wanted to go with him to the March on Washington and hear Martin Luther King Jr speak. I remember him explaining who MLK was and why he was going. I also remember him cautioning me that many people didn't want Negro people to have the same rights as white people and that the people marching might have things thrown at them or angry people yelling at them while they were marching. He scared me (I remember this) and I declined to go. To this day I regret that he didn't just take me. Martin Luther King Jr. gave his I Have a Dream speech on that day, 45 years ago, yesterday.

As a woman, I too have a dream. I have a dream that someday I will be represented in the White House by a president who is either a person of color or a woman, preferably both at the same time or one of each. (If I am allowed to get really specific, I have a dream that someday I will be represented by a Progressive, Visionary, Diplomatic, Earth-loving, Vegan, Peace worker, Queer person.) I have a dream that someday I will be represented in Washington and California and in my county of Mendocino by women and people of color. At least 55% so we can be a majority. Surely the day cannot be far off. The reign of the affluent and priveleged white man is over. In my lifetime, may it be so. And ironically enough, with John McCain's pick of Sarah Palin as his running mate, barring unforseen chaos, I will get my wish. "Be careful what you wish for." Alaskan Governer Palin is one scary woman. When I think of being represented by a woman, I think of Senator Clinton or my personal favorite, CA Congresswoman Barbara Lee who bravely said "NO!" to war after 9/11; the only Congressperson to do so.

Yet, if I come out of the issues and the parties and the positions and into the symbolism of it all, we as a nation have come to the brink of our third Presidential election of the this century, this new Millennium, with an election that will give us either a Black man as a president or a Woman as a vice president. For the first time in our history. In this symbolic context, we are, as Martin Luther King Jr said 45 years ago, "In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check."

May the cashing of this check be for the true good of
women,
people of color,
the poor,
the shrinking middle class,
the dispossesed,
all those at home and abroad suffering due to 8 long, horrific years of the Bush Administration,
the Earth,
choice,
the animals,
the last wild places,
our children
and most of all for Hope, the thing that remained at the bottom of Pandora's box after all the horrors were released into the world.

After the 2004 election, the second stolen election, I packed my Hope away. I was resigned to just be a deep witness to the fall of so much of what I hold sacred. It's feeling like it's now time to pull Hope out of the box.

Uh huh.

Friday, August 15, 2008

An Article I Came Across on Sparkpeople.com Today

Sparkpeople.com is my bomb. It is the free site on which I track all my nutrition, all my exercise and have been hugely motivated by joining their SparkAmerica Challenge of accumulating a billion minutes of exercise during calendar year 2008. I don't have to do a billion minutes, silly....it's a collective effort. My annual goal, which I set in December 2007 is 27,000 minutes; 75 minutes a day, 360 days of the year. That seemed very doable and at this juncture I am well ahead of par to make my goal.

I've been sort of stunned at how much I've been eating this summer, actually more stunned by actually losing those pesky 2-3 extra pounds I put on last winter. I'm 148flat and holding steady there while eating between 1550-1800 calories a day. In Weight Watcher points, that's about 30-37 pts a day. When I was in my first year of maintenance, I was eating between 24-28 pts a day, or roughly 1200-1400 calories. So what's up with that? Why am I eating so much more and losing, albeit very slowly? I happened across this article by Coach Dean on Sparkpeople this morning when I went to log my 5 mile run. This is actually two articles. Today's was Part 2, so I'll post the links to both parts, plus copy it here for those who found my blog, but don't want to navigate Sparkpeople.
Part 1
Part 2

High Performance Nutrition - Part 1
The Big Picture: Food as Fuel
-- By Dean Anderson, Fitness & Behavior Expert


Good nutrition provides the foundation for your goals, whether you want to lose weight the healthy way or fuel high-level physical activities. Unless you eat “the right stuff” at the right times, you aren’t going to get very far in either direction.

Unfortunately, what counts as the right stuff often depends on the situation. Your body can’t do everything at once. Restricting your calorie intake to promote weight and fat loss can make it very difficult to build muscle mass or train for endurance events. If you’re trying to combine any or all of these goals, things can get pretty complicated. This article will help you understand the role that carbohydrates play in fueling exercise and recovery and how both the timing and nutritional makeup of your meals and snacks can help you achieve your performance goals.

Fact #1: The more you exercise the more carbohydrates you will need for fuel.

With all the emphasis placed on exercising to lose weight, many people are surprised to hear that exercise itself doesn’t actually burn much fat as fuel. Exercise uses up the calories you've eaten, but most "fat burning" occurs when your body then has to turn to fat stores to fuel basic bodily functions.

To fuel moderate and high intensity exercise, your body relies primarily on carbohydrates (glucose), which are broken down quickly to fuel muscle cells. (Your body can't turn fats and proteins into usable energy quickly enough to meet the demands of exercising muscles.) Therefore, higher intensity cardio and strength training activities will burn more glucose as fuel, and more calories overall. Learn more about the myth of the "fat burning zone" by reading this Ask the Expert Q & A .

Action Step: Don’t limit your carbohydrates.

Most people need about 100-150 grams (400-600 calories) of carbohydrates every day just to fuel their brains and central nervous systems. On top of that, you need additional carbs to replace the energy stores you used when exercising. If you’re trying to lose weight, research shows that a diet where 55-60% of total calories come from carbohydrate is ideal for most physically active people

Fact #2: The fuel you use during exercise doesn't come from your most recent meal.

It takes time to digest your food and turn it into glycogen, which is the primary fuel your muscle cells actually use during exercise. Glycogen is made out of glucose (which comes from carbohydrates) and is stored in both your muscle cells and liver. As long as you're eating enough nutrients to meet your activity needs, your body can store enough glycogen to handle about 2000 calories worth of high-intensity activity or 4000 calories worth of lower-intensity activity—even if you haven’t eaten in a while.

If you’re highly active, you should plan your meals and snacks so that you don’t run out of muscle glycogen at the wrong time (like in the middle of an exercise session). A marathon runner can deplete her glycogen stores before the end of a single race (called “bonking” or “hitting the wall”). A more casual exerciser can run out of glycogen after a few days of not eating enough carbohydrates and total calories to replace it.

Action Step: Eat enough total calories to support your activity level.

The combination of a low-calorie diet and a high level of exercise will force your body to breakdown muscle tissue to meet your immediate energy needs. Total calorie deficits of more than 500-1000 calories per day will actually inhibit exercise performance—even for moderate exercisers.

Fact #3: Planning nutritious meals will help you recover from exercise.

The most important window for replenishing glycogen is the four to five hours immediately after a vigorous exercise session. During this time, the enzymes responsible for this process are more active and effective.

Most healthy people don’t really need to eat immediately before exercise. But eating a small snack or meal 20-60 minutes before an exercise session will trigger an insulin response that helps glucose enter your muscle cells, making it easier to exercise without discomforts like dizziness, faintness, or a general lack of energy. But if you or your stomach prefers not to eat before a workout, you should have plenty of muscle glycogen to fuel one to two hours of moderate to vigorous exercise before eating. To learn more about exercising in the morning or on an empty stomach, read this Ask the Expert Q & A.

Action Step: Eat a good post-exercise meal.

Sports nutritionists recommend that active people eat about 250-300 calories (with a 4:1 ratio of carbs to protein) within 90 minutes after exercising. This breaks down to about 50-60 grams of carbs and 12-15 grams of protein.

Putting It All TogetherWhen you put these facts together into one big picture, you can see that keeping your glycogen tanks topped off is the key factor to maintaining your ability to perform at a high level while losing weight; the Action Steps outlined above will help you do just that.
Article created on: 8/16/2006

Putting It All Together

When you put these facts together into one big picture, you can see that keeping your glycogen tanks topped off is the key factor to maintaining your ability to perform at a high level while losing weight; the Action Steps outlined above will help you do just that.

High Performance Nutrition - Part 2
Recommendations for Very Active People
-- By Dean Anderson, Fitness & Behavior Expert


Trying to lose weight while eating enough to support vigorous endurance or strength training can be a very tricky business. Cutting too many calories can cause the body to breakdown muscle tissue to meet its energy needs, and make it impossible to replenish energy reserves in time for your next workout. In turn, both of these consequences can lower your metabolism, making it much more difficult to shed body fat and improve body composition.


Most people who consistently exercise more than 60 minutes per day at high intensity levels need to adjust their nutrition plans in one or more of the following ways:


*Adjusting carbohydrate, protein, and fat intake so that the amount of each nutrient is appropriate for your individual body size and the type, intensity, duration, and frequency of your physical activity
*Timing meals and snacks in relation to exercise so that the right amount of fuel is available when needed
*Using appropriate fluid and energy replacement strategies during long and intense exercise sessions


Below, you’ll find some general recommendations in each of these three areas that you can use as a starting point for finding the right combination for yourself. These recommendations are based on a recent survey of studies, presented in the American Dietetics Association’s Position Statement on Nutrition and Athletic Performance (2004). You can access the full statement at the ADA’s website, http://www.eatright.org/.


Nutrient Recommendations for Very Active People


The following chart shows how active and very active people can adjust their intake of the three macronutrients (carbohydrates, protein and fat).


Active is defined as taking part in planned, continuous exercise that is equivalent to walking 6-10 miles per day (a calorie expenditure of 600-1000 calories/day).


Very active is defined as taking part in planned, continuous exercise that is equivalent to walking more than 10 miles per day (a calorie expenditure of 1000+ calories/day).


Although aerobic exercise typically burns more calories per training session, most individuals whose major form of training is strength training should consider themselves to be in the “very active” category, due to the nutritional needs associated with larger amounts of lean body mass and the glycogen-depleting effects of extensive, anaerobic strength training.


Nutrient Needs Based on Activity Level and Body Weight

Carbs:

Active: 2.3-3.2 grams/lb of body weight

Very Active: 3.2-5.5 grams/lb of body weight

Protein:

Active: 0.6-0.7 grams/lb of body weight

Very Active: 0.7-1.0 grams/lb of body weight

Fat:

Balance of total calories after meeting above requirements

Note: To avoid performance delcine, people attempting to lose weight while engaging in demanding athletic training should not reduce their calorie intakes by more than 10-20% (or by more than 500-1000 calories per day). For good health, total fat intake should not fall below 15% of total calories.


Meal Contents & Timing for Very Active People


The Pre-Exercise Meal: Your individual reaction should be the primary factor that determines what, when and how much you eat prior to exercise. For many, eating before exercise enhances performance—especially during long exercise sessions that can exhaust glycogen reserves. Since most people find it difficult to exercise with a full stomach, you should allow plenty of time for digestion (about 3-4 hours before exercise) in order to get the energy benefits of a pre-exercise meal.


For long bouts of higher intensity exercise, studies show that eating 200-300 grams of carbohydrates during the pre-exercise meal results in an endurance boost. This meal should be relatively low in fat and fiber, and moderate in protein (a 4:1 ratio of carbs to protein), to promote stomach emptying and reduce the potential for gastric distress.


The Post-Exercise Meal: Most people can replace the glycogen used during an intense exercise session within 24 hours without a special eating schedule (provided that overall nutrition is adequate). However, the best time to replenish your glycogen and nutrients is within the first 4-5 hours (and especially the first 90 minutes). If you participate in more than one exercise session per day, you'll need to pay close attention to your post-exercise meals.


Research indicates that eating a high-carbohydrate meal (about 0.7 grams per pound of body weight or 1.5 grams per kilogram of body weight) immediately after exercise is the best way to replenish glycogen.


Various types of carbohydrates will affect glycogen replenishment rates. Eating simple sugars and high GI (glycemic index) foods results in slightly faster storage rates during the immediate post-exercise period. This is important when immediate glycogen replenishment is needed, such as taking part in both an intense training session and athletic event in the same day. Whole foods containing higher proportions of fat, fiber, and protein result in slower replenishment rates, but overall, these foods should make up the bulk of most people's diets.


Including protein in your post-exercise meal does not seem to affect glycogen replenishment rates. In fact, eating plenty of amino acids is important for muscle recovery after each workout (especially after strength training). The general recommendation is to include a 4:1 carbohydrate-protein ratio when eating after a workout.


Fluid and Energy Replacement during Extended Exercise


Optimal performance during extended exercise sessions occurs when the rate of fluid taken in equals the rate of fluid lost through sweating. For most people, this means drinking about 20 ounces of water before exercising; 6-12 ounces of fluid for every 15-20 minutes of high intensity exercise; and 16-24 ounces for every pound lost during exercise. This post-exercise drinking can be spread over time, as dictated by your thirst.


If you exercise intensely for more than 60-90 minutes, experts recommend that you drink a beverage containing carbohydrates and sodium (such as a sports drink) to meet part of your fluid needs. Sodium isn't typically needed for electrolyte replacement during exercise, but it can make it easier to stay well hydrated by increasing your desire to drink. Endurance exercisers such as marathoners often eat carbohydrates in the form of gels during events to maintain blood glucose levels and hold off glycogen depletion for as long as possible.


You may need to experiment with these general recommendations to find a combination that works well for you. Although it is possible to lose weight and maintain a very high level of athletic performance, keep in mind that these are two competing priorities, with no simple solution. Success at both depends on a balanced nutritional approach that does not sacrifice your long-term goals for an immediate benefit.


(end)


I found these articles interesting, but not really how I eat my post exercise meal. As a Weight Watcher, I learned long ago that I need lots of protein for breakfast to keep me going for at least 4 hours before I feel hungry again. Since I'm such a nighttime eater, it is imperative for me to eat basically just my three meals during the day with maybe a small snack between my relatively small lunch and large dinner. Over the course of a 24 hour day I eat close to Coach Dean's recommended ratios, but my way seems to be working for me. At the end of the day, my carb to protein ratio is about 3.75:1, rather than 4, but I do think we are all very different and have different needs. And 3.75:1 isn't grossly different from 4:1.

What's true: I feel great. I look great. I can run for 5 miles, albeit not fast, but it's the endurance I'm more interested in. And so it goes. Now I'm off to eat one of my huge breakfasts so I can replace my glycogen stores for later :-)

My Big Fat Breakfast: Tofu Veggie Hash

3 oz Wildwood Super firm High Protein Tofu, 1/2 cup sliced leeks, 1 cup sliced mushrooms, 3 cups baby spinach, 2 tsp gomasio (sesame salt), 1/2 jalapeno pepper, 1 1/2 Tbsp nutritional yeast all sauted together with 1 cup fat free frozen hash browns added at the end.

Nutritional Info
Servings Per Recipe: 1
Amount Per Serving
Calories: 294.3
Total Fat: 8.2 g
Cholesterol: 0.0 mg
Sodium: 270.6 mg
Total Carbs: 34.4 g
Dietary Fiber: 8.1 g
Protein: 26.8 g

Tuesday, July 29, 2008

148.8 and Some Musings About Yin and Yang and the Past

That was my weigh in number yesterday morning after a great run out on the Thimbleberry trail system. I was feeling skinny and voila! My first weigh in under 149, albeit by 1/10th of a pound, in months and months. I know I exercise a lot, but ohmygoddess, have I been eating a lot these past weeks. (Or is that months?) At just shy of 28 months of maintenance, I'm really getting it that my body is happy here at this weight; that although I still have to work every day to have my body be like she is, she's happy here. I've been this size before. I was this size for many years in my younger days, my 20's when Daniel was young. I was 200 lbs right before he was born and I was back at this size by September, when he was 3 months old.

I remember taking him as a baby to Anderson Hall in Camp Meeker where I did an aerobics class. I can't remember how many times a week I went, just that I did and that he wasn't the only baby. If I was lucky, he'd be asleep and sleep through the class. Otherwise, I'd have to run to the sidelines and nurse him while all sweaty and breathing hard. I remember wanting my body back, but just in a matter-of-fact way. And it was so easy to do. I remember that in my 20's, although I was this size, I was dissatisfied with my shape and size for the most part. But I remember going to the women's gym in Sebastopol in the mid 80's before the liabilitiy insurance crisis that wiped so many small businesses, including The Spa right off the map. I went to yoga classes at the new gym Coaches' Corner, tried an aerobic class or two, but I'm so spatially dyslexic that the more fussy, dance-steppy aerobic class format that grew into being in the late 80's/early 90's left me tripping over my feet and spending way too much energy trying to get the steps right rather than get much exercise. Instead, I would go running before work at the Junior College's track. I never ran far or fast, but I would go to the track for about an hour a few days a week, sneak into the poolhouse showers, shower and change and then go start my work day.

But I did make an effort to exercise in my 2o's. Nowhere near as focused as now, but I did seek it out and I held my weight right about where it is now. It was The Bad Boyfriend years; 1989-1992 where things shifted for the worse for me in just about everyway with the outward manifestation being my slow, but steady weight gain and my growing disconnect from living in my body as I drifted into my 30's, a drug habit, smoking cigarettes (again) and found myself completely entangled in an emotionally abusive relationship. My 30's were surely the Big Life Lessons Decade for me in so many ways. Fortunately, I think I actually learned a lot of my lessons that the Universe was giving me and I've lived to tell the tales.

So here I am: 48 years old and feeling better in my skin than I did at 32. Feeling better in my spirit and my heart than I did at 32. Feeling better in my inner eye's view of myself than I ever have. And there is this curious thing that I really haven't put much into words yet: As my muscle body has gotten more and more established and visible, as my hair has gone from long to relatively short, as I've gone from my "breeder" years into peri-menopause, as I've gone from trying to live a heterosexual life into a queer one, I've taken on more of my own yang nature. I have found, to some degree, my inner butch. As the years have passed, my closet has completely changed from the femmy, silky flowy things of my younger years into tee shirts with the sleeves cut off (thanks, Tara!) $125 trail running shoes, low cut long shorts, boy's jeans and even chinos. I still have 2 dresses. They are both tie-dyes in purple shades: One a tank short dress, one a tank long dress, both for those hothothot summer days where clothes are required, but I've just got to have bare legs. Tara is always so greatful and wolfy when I wear them because I was a feminine grrl when we got together. But my muscle body carries a far more yang energy and I have taken much delight in exploring this aspect of self.

And as a feminist that came out queer so late in life and now lives a far more separatist reality than most of my lesbian peers, accepting this male aspect of self is good. I feel it is healing places in my that carry a lifetime of damage. I never felt that male = bad and wrong, but oh, the damge done to me by that sector and the many, many years of healing necessary to come to where I am. So this is good. Another musing: I realized the other day that when I'm checking out my muscles or how flat my belly is in profile, I prefer looking at my right side. This is the yang side of the body. When I do yoga in my livingroom, I face north/east. The window with the morning sun illuminated the right side of my body. The left side is always more in shadow. And since I use a mirror when I do yoga, my right side is brighter and easier to see. And for some reason, maybe the light issue, my left side doesn't look as good to me; muscles less defined, belly not quite as flat. And I know this isn't true. I confessed this to Tara yesterday and she agreed that it wasn't true. But there it is: not a rejection of the feminine side of myself, but a preference for looking at the male side. Speaking to this is a vulnerable thing because it's not all neatly wrapped up, analyzed and packaged to present to the world. But this is my blog and the recording of my life, thoughts, deeds, processes so here it is, like a sentence without a period.

So here I am at 7:00 am feeling the pull of what awaits me this morning. I have a nice space right now for at least a 60 minute yoga practice, so I'm going to sign off and do that. I am thankful for this beautiful life and this beautiful body in all her processes. I am so keenly aware that my time to dance on the Earth is not infinite. And as I've said before, I feel like I am making up for so many years of living like I didn't even have a body. It's a curious process, but I'm grateful for all the awarenesses that have been offered to me. And I'm grateful to Louisa, someone I don't even know, who left such a kind comment on my prior post early this morning which inspired me to write more today.

So 148.8. The expression "You've come a long way, baby," rings in my head: To be so happy with this number, to feel like I am successful because I can maintain here feels like a state of grace after all the years and miles of wanting a different body size, a different body shape. My shape is beautiful and my size is just right. And that is my ongoing soul mantra. And the best part is that I believe it.

Sunday, July 27, 2008

And Time Keeps Drifting

I was somewhat shocked to see that I hadn't blogged since the first day of the month. And that was sort of off topic about the animals that I share my land with. The month has been so busy. The fires continue, so some days are clear and the air is relatively clean and other days the air stinks of smoke and is yellow with very low visibility.

Tara and I bought Phiona the 1986 Toyota Dolphin (22 ft RV) last fall and this is the first summer of owning an RV. And I've been (and we've been) using it. (link to word Phiona and scroll down about 1/2 way to read how we got her and link to 1986 Toyota Dolphin is my post of our first trip.)

The week of July 7th, I got a call from Evalena Rose who teaches Tantra in Sonoma County. I had done her 6 month workshop back in 2000/2001 and been to Tantra Summer camp in 2002. She was having trouble finding a drummer for a couple of rituals for this year's summer camp and she called me and invited me to come to camp as a drummer. The smoke was bad and we were having a heatwave so the idea of escaping for a night to cooler, foggy, smoke-free Sonoma County was very appealing. I thought that if I were going to all the effort of making the RV road ready, I would stay 2 nights making the 2nd night a visit to one of the lovely Sonoma County beaches. I called my friend Mar who lives in Occidental, my old hometown and she was happy to join me on an RV adventure to the beach. So off I went, leaving Tara doing a work project with our friend Debbie building a new wood shed and finally painting the one remaining wall of the garage green like the other three walls and four walls of our house and carport which have been green for a couple of years. They were going to be working all weekend so I gave myself permission to have an adventure.

Tantra Summer Camp was just great. I drummed a LOT. Here's some pictures, one of me drumming for the Maha Mudra, the making love to the Earth ritual on Saturday morning. I reconnected with old friends, made a couple of new ones and had to ask myself, "Why haven't I done this in 6 years?" We'll see where that question leads.

After lunch on Saturday, I picked up Mar and went to Wright's Beach. I had been very fortunate in speaking to my friend Bill the day before and lamenting that every campsite at every Sonoma Coast beach was booked every weekend night through the rest of the summer and he told me about the overflow parking at Wright's beach. Mar and I had a reservation next to the Spud Point Marina in Bodega Bay, but I really didn't want to be RVing in what was essentially a park for people who go out on boats fishing, no ocean beach because it was the bay, close, but not quite, but that was all I could procure from my computer and phone in Willits in the days beforehand. Wright's Beach is a State beach and they have about 7 spots that are on a first come, first served basis: Not "campsites" per se, rather lengths of space alongside the main entry into the campground. We were very lucky. Because Phiona is so small at 22', we got the "last spot" in overflow which technically wasn't even a spot, but the woman that the booth was kind. AND it was "Lesbian Lane" right there as the RV in front of us was a lesbian couple as was the RV in front of them. We all hung out a little which was great because the entire rest of the campground seemed peopled by straight families, many with children. Here are a couple of pictures of the beach. I nabbed them from Google images, so I have no idea of who the people are in the picture of the beach looking south. The campground is a typical campground. We'll be going there in September with an actual site so I'll take some of my own pictures then.

So a little "On Topic" aside: This is about really cementing my fitness habits as things I am doing for life, not just when I'm home in my own routine. At camp, the morning I woke there, I was exhausted from a very spotty night's sleep. I awoke later than I planned, but saw my way towards being able to do Eoin Finn's 35 minute Complete Practice yoga podcast. I had my iPod, my little Saitek speaker and my mat, so I went out in the cool morning and on a lawn of lush grass, did a 35 minute yoga practice. I was feeling so exhausted in my body as to feel almost sick from it, but that 35 minutes totally changed my physical reality into a much better one.

When Mar and I went to the beach, we set up the RV and then went for an hour's walk on the beach. Wright's beach is a tricky beach to walk on. There is a very steep slope down to the water, so to walk on anything relatively flat, you're slogging through mostly dry sand. So that was our walk. On Sunday, I took my iPod, speaker and mat and did a 60 minute Eoin Finn practice on the beach, on a bluff overlooking the ocean. A few hours later, we packed and drove to the midpoint of the Kortum Trail which runs from above Wright's beach all the way to Goat Rock State beach, my favorite Sonoma County beach. We didn't do the whole trail as Mar wasn't up for that, but we did do a little over an hour's hike. I wore my Heart Rate Monitor and logged 250 calories burned.

This is to illustrate, besides my somewhat obsessive drive to accrue Activity Points, the creative ways I find to actually stay On Program with my exercise while out of my regular routine. (Just saying.)

So back to my long, winding excuse as to why I haven't blogged in a month: The next weekend, just a few days later on Thursday had us leaving for Born To Drum Women's Drum Camp, being held this year at the beautiful Walker Creek Ranch in West Marin County. Thursday night we camped in the RV in my friend Randi's driveway in the Oakland Hills as there was to be a concert of all the drum teachers at La Pena in Berkeley. The show was fabulous, we got little sleep and got up in the morning and motored off to camp where we spent the next three days and two nights drumming and being in a blessedly beautiful multicultural group with about 200 women. There were women from Ghana, the Congo, Venezuela, Cuba and many more places. There were Latina women, Black women, Indian women, white women, all there to drum, to learn, to fill our wells up and bring this joy, these rhythms back into our lives to maybe share with our friends, or in my case, my students. I took no pictures. I did no focused exercises. I schlepped my heavy oak conga (albeit in a bag with wheels) from one classroom to another for Afro-Cuban style classes and my big Dun-Dun (also in a bag with wheels) to my 2 classes with Mabiba, Congolese Drum and Dance Master from The Congo. I tried (and miserably failed at) an African Dance class too. We were going going going all day long into the wee hours of the night. I probably drummed, cumulatively about 6+ hours every day.

Regarding the exercise: I brought my 3 lb weights, my iPod, my yoga mat, my HRM, my running shoes, a bathing suit, but didn't want to give up a single class opportunity in order to do any of these things. I was so hungry all weekend, I figured I was burning calories at a very accelerated rate. For the first time in FOUR AND A HALF YEARS I gave myself permission to not journal food at all. I was aware, never mindless, but I wrote nothing down the whole weekend.

I must say: I was nervous upon returning home that I'd gained 5 lbs...that's this monster that stalks me: Stop journalling and exercising every day and within a few days, I'll gain 5 lbs. I stepped on the scale on Monday or Tueday and was pretty gratified to see that although I was up about 1/2 a lb, that was my ebb/flow normal. Still over that redline of 150 by a hair, but I'm hoping to have that resolved by the next time I get on the scale.

And now it is the last weekend of July. It's been a good month. The fires seem to be getting resolved. There are more good air days than bad, Tara is feeling good and I am giving thanks every day for her feeling good. My body is strong, the weight training is really starting to show: I have some biceps now and the garden is lush and finally getting in line with the irrefutable fact that it is summer.
And that is my July recap. And this must suffice because I have an Eoin Finn yoga podcast calling me, plants that need tending and I've been sitting here typing for way too long.

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Things I See Out My Living Room Window

It's been almost two years since the young doe that is a part of the herd that circles around our little piece of land was run over by a car and lost the lower half of her back leg. I wrote about her here and here. She's now 3 years old and very much alive and well. And now she's a mother. I worried about this: Could she carry a baby and still deal with living as a wild creature with only three legs? Would she survive birth?

Most assuredly, she has. Last week, pretty early morning, I was doing a free weight workout in my livingroom. I gazed out the window as I often do when I'm exercising in my livingroom, and there she was, with fawn in tow.

Sometimes Nature can be kind.








And today, nearing the end of drum class, I looked up and out the sliding glass door to see these two tom turkeys locked in fierce battle. We all stopped drumming to watch. The battle went on for a long time; about 10 minutes. One turkey looked like his entire beak was down the throat of the other turkey.


Finally they broke apart.


PS: All the while the hen turkey was totally focused on her not-so-young-anymore brood and off in the brush about 50 yards away. We didn't think she was very impressed.

And these are my neighbors; the beings I share this air, this water, this little piece of Earth with.

(I wonder what they think when they see me through my livingroom window doing yoga? "She's strange, but she throws lots of veggie trimmings out into the field, so she couldn't be all bad.")

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Slideshow of Our Wedding

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

We're Married! (Again) And Some Wedding Photos

What a glorious morning it was! We got to the County Clerk's office in Ukiah at about 8:15. There were several couples that we are friendly with who were there ahead of us. As it was in San Francisco four years ago, albeit in a much smaller way, there was a frission of excitement, jubilation and joy swirling throught this government building.

We watched several friends get married in between filling out our application, reworking the civil ceremony with our minister friend Debrae, and waiting for our people from Sonoma County to arrive. (Debrae is the beautiful woman in the yellow dress in the slide show post above this one.)

Tara's locksmith mentor and his wife were there as was her surrogate mother Shelaara (leopard print dress, purple hat), our son Daniel, my oldest friend Mar and our friend Lily. The weather was perfect. Jennifer and Theresa, our local Marriage Equality contacts were married first and they passed around their bouquet. Several couples held this bouquest of peach colored roses. We ended up with it and it is in a vase now, hopefully perking up after all the use it saw. Shelaara brought us a bouquet as well, so flowers abounded.

We got married outside under an ancient flowering magnolia tree. In the slideshow is a picture of a magnolia blossom that we stood behind for our ceremony. There were no protestors there and for that we were both very relieved. Daniel did his duty with my camera taking over 100 photos, but Coyote had to be there today and there was a setting on the camera that made all the photos sort of dreamscape looking. Luckily my friend Jay was there with his most fancy camera and he snapped dozens and dozens of photos. I wrote to him upon discovering the camera fiasco and he immediately sent me seven photos that are intermingled with the others in the slideshow. It's pretty obvious (to me) what pictures came from what camera...

After it was all said and done, most of us went out for coffee and pastries, and then, ever practical, because we were 25 miles from home and around the corner from the co-op, we said goodbye to our loved ones, went grocery shopping and came home. Tara's taking a nap...poor dear woman is still suffering from the dental surgery she had last Friday and she said she used up every ounce of juice she had. I feel good. It was a very joyful morning.

I am so happy to once again be a part of history in the making.

I am so happy that we and hundreds of other lesbian and gay couples got married on this day. For one, we will all have the same wedding anniversary which could foment some very happy parties in the future, but more significant to me is that June 17th was my parents' anniversary. Since my dad has been dead for over 9 years, this became a sad day for my mother. Now it can be a happy day again for her. And it is certainly a happy day for me.

Saturday, June 14, 2008

Time is a Drifter: What I've Been Doing



I started weight training. I am doing the workout in this book: Weight Training Made Easy by Joyce L. Vedral, Ph.D. I didn't start here. I started with Jillian Michaels' Shred DVD. Jillian is one of the trainers on that (popular, but don't ask me why) show The Biggest Loser. She's a real bootcamp style instructor and what I discovered is the purpose of the Shred DVD is to maximize a very small amount of time to burn the maximum amount of calories while doing Jillian's 3,2,1 method of strength training, cardio and abdominal work. The pace is very fast and she repeats over and over that in a 20 minute workout (it's really 27 from start to finish) it's really important to just keep going to maximize your workout.

Now I know that many people idolize Jillian Michaels and her tough love approach, but I must say that I am not one of them. On my third day of Shred, I injured my bicep. I have never worked out with weights before and between the fast pace and the boot camp style of the workout, I probably moved incorrectly and injured myself. (Let me just add that for people who can only carve out 30 minutes a day for exercise, Shred might be the perfect thing for them. I, however, have prioritized my exercise program and have crafted a life that allows me to have all the time I want for my fitness program.)

When I mentioned my Shred injury on one of my support groups on the Weight Watchers message boards, Celeste recommended Joyce Vedral Ph.D.'s, Weight Training Made Easy. I took it out of my library to see if I would 1) relate to it 2) like it 3) actually do it. And I think I do. And the program is easy to learn. There is an upper body workout that you do on Day 1 and a lower body workout that you do on Day 2. So far, I've done upper body 3x and lower body 2x. As my schedule would have it, and this is the same awkwardness I found with the Shred workout: Where do I put it in my day? I don't seem to have this problem with yoga and cadio. I do yoga to stretch and warm and tone and then I go hike or run. If I'm going to do both in the same time period, I do one hour of yoga and about an hour of cardio. I have not found the same ease of transition between weight training and cardio. They feel to me like they need to be in two different sessions. And since yoga is strength training in a different way, I don't feel the need to do both in one day. Yet, I don't want to sacrifice either a yoga practice or a cardio workout for free weights. So I'm still muddling my way through. What that has looked like is I did the upper body workout by itself the first time, then have done the upper and lower together as one long session two times. I'm still learning how to do it, so I've taken 90 minutes to do both. She says in the book that once you get really familiar with it and start pyramid training, you do your upper body in 15-20 minutes. Right now it's taking me 50. Maybe it's because I reread the instructions and study the photographs over and over to make sure I'm doing it right. Today was an upper and lower body day. Now it is 100 degrees out and I doubt I'll get any hard cardio in, but I may walk or run in the woods later in the day. Tara says my arms look more buff in just 2 sessions. I'm feeling pretty good about that!

I've asked myself why am I doing this? Yoga tones and strengthens me as well as feeds my heart and spirit. Running and hiking in the woods has helped me build the best cardio vascular health of my life. So why this? I think the answer is, "Because it is new and different." I realize that I am putting a whole lot of focus on what I'm calling "personal best" in my fitness routines. I'm doing more yoga and doing things that are more challenging than what I had been doing just a few short months ago. I'm running farther and somewhat faster, but most importantly exciting to me is that I'm running up hills. Not just the downs and short distances of flat ground, but uphill too. I am feeling that same sexy feeling I had when I was losing weight and my body was changing. My body is changing, learning, growing stronger and that, to me, is the best physical feeling in the world.

And now I want to explore free weight training. To tell the truth, this whole intensified focus on fitness feels like some kind of "do over". I lived like I didn't even have a body for much of my adult life. I have over 15 years of a sedentary lifestyle to "make up for", or as I said, "do over". Of course, I can't go back and actually do it over, but I can take that childlike glee in my strength, that teenaged crush that I have on my body, that young adult drive for bigger, better, faster, more (of course tempered with middle aged reality checks), and have at it. I don't want to race, body build or compete with another person in any way shape or form. I just want to keep finding my edge, glory in rubbing on that edge for a while and then push past it to find the next edge. I'm going to turn 48 in just a few days and I want to be a very fit woman for the rest of my life, however long I get.

The truth, as I see it, is that our spirits, our souls, our love light and maybe our intellect dwell in the body and maybe are eternal and maybe not....we really don't know. What we do know is that our bodies only have this one turn. And after so many years of blatant disregard I am making up for lost time, if that is even possible. What I feel very deeply is that to be able to move gracefully and easily through space, to not be in the pain of injury and neglect all the time is one of the biggest gifts I've ever given to myself. And my prayer is that I get to keep giving it to myself for the rest of my life.

And that's a whole lot of what I've been doing lately.

Time is a Drifter: Significant Events: Soon to Occur

On Tuesday, June 17th, 2008 Tara and I are going to the Ukiah County Clerk's office and getting married. Our friend Debrae is going to perform the ceremony. My friend Jay Gordon is going to take photos. We have no idea what we are going to wear. We are in this weird limbo place of eloping again. Why? Because the haters got their hate bill on the November ballot to change the State of California's Constitution to prevent me and my kind from every marrying.

Homophobia, hate and ignorance could possibly undo the decision that wound its way for almost 4 years through the court system, back to the same court that voided my San Francisco marriage license from February 2004 (as if it had never taken place), which decided on May 16th, 2008 that equality for all Californians included the rights, responsibilities and privileges of marriage. I spoke to my Law Professor friend Craig Smith and he explained that if the ballot measure passes, what was done is done and can't be undone. So I am quite sure that hundreds if not thousands of lesbian and gay couples will be flocking to their County Clerks offices and getting marriage licenses. And goddess forbid, if the measure passes, we will be in this grey area of queers that are legally married in the state of California. Which of course, will bring about another several years of law suits. I really don't know why they are so threatened by us and our desire to have the protections as well as the many responsibilities of marriage.

So I'm a little verklempt. We're getting married, but we're not having a planned wedding, vows we write, the right clothes to wear, a party, a honeymoon. We're basically eloping again, but this time with more than a few hours notice. My son will be there as will Tara's surrogate mother. We have a friend to take pictures and a friend to perform the ceremony. Some of our local friends will be there to witness us. And I'm sure we won't have to stand on line for 4 hours like we did in San Francisco. This license, unlike the other one will have a state file number on it and will be recorded for the history books.

I have to stand up for the history books. And one day our grandkids, or someone else's grandkids will wonder what all the fuss was about. Like love is love is love and who cares what the genetalia of the one you love looks like? As the church lady said to us 4 1/2 years ago after we married the first time, "Jesus loves committed love. How wonderful! Congratulations!"
And June 17th is the first day we have access and I want to marry on the first day. We'll have our real ceremony/party/honeymoon later when we can afford it. June 17th was my parent's wedding anniversary. Since my father is dead, that has become a sad date for my mother. Now it can be a happy one again because it'll be her daughters' anniversary as well as thousands of other lesbian and gay couple's anniversaries. And since my mother doesn't have a homophobic bone in her body, is a progressive who wants her kids to be happy and chafes against oppression of any kind, this will be a good day for her; a happy day again.

And it will certainly be a happy day for us. For me and my fiance, Tara :-) (I am a fiance! I have a fiance.....how odd! How wonderful!) I wonder if anyone will throw rice.....

Time is a Drifter: Significant Events: Anniversary

I can't believe I haven't blogged since May. It is now June 14th; almost halfway through my favorite month and I haven't blogged once. Until now. And now there is so much to say and there is so much pulling on me from the real world that I fear I can't stay long.

So thing #1: Anniversary

I had my one year vegan anniversary on Thursday. Back in April 2007 I started this experiment to "have a vegan day today," making it a decision I made every day or not, so there was no failure. It was my second attempt to basically go vegan from omnivore. I had basically been a once in a while fish or poultry eater who had let go of dairy with a rare exception of parmasean or feta cheeses. I was drinking my coffee with soy creamer, and happily so, eggs I could take or leave and it was only those two salty cheeses that still felt like they had a relationship with me.

I found that making the decision on a daily basis gave me this very small block of time to succeed within. That really worked for me. I journal my food on Sparkpeople.com and the journals seem to stay up forever, so about a month ago I went back, day by day and saw how I slowly, over about a two month period, transitioned to having a vegan day every day. I remember in July realizing that I had been having a vegan day every day and the daily decision softened into "the way it was" and that felt good and right. Upon searching for the last day of eating meat, dairy or eggs, I found June 11th. I had been to my favorite sushi place in Ukiah and I'd had sushi. Past June 11th, there was no more fish, no more poultry, no more eggs and no more cheese.
So even though I hadn't consciously declared myself eating a vegan diet on June 12th, that was the first day that has continued through this day of my commitment to being vegan. And the part of the spiral that got me here was Starr, my yoga teacher talking about Ahimsa in yoga class. Now I don't consider myself anything near a Jainist, but the idea of avoiding violence to any living being started spiraling its way into my heart from the idea, as Starr presented it, that practicing Ahimsa as non-violence against self in one's yoga practice. At some point I realized that I had a conflict in the taking of animals suffering into my body as nourishment. And so I started my "vegan day today," to see how it made me feel. And how it made me feel was unconflicted. I felt in alignment with myself.
The dicipline of all these years of Weight Watchers/Sparkpeople/counting calories was great preparation to becoming a vegan. In fact, in terms of grabbing nourishment out in the world, being vegan actually helps my program because my choices are very limited unless I bring my own food most of the time. And since this feels like a heart and spiritual decision, more than "I have to lose weight or I will die a fat person," it is an easy decision to make. I just make sure I always have Z Bars or Primal Strips seitan jerky or something in a cooler when I go out in the world for any extended period of time.

And yes, I get enough protein, Vitamin B-12, calcium, folate, iron, etc. I'm doing great. I feel no sacrifice in eating this way; rather an expansiveness of spirit that feels in line with the rest of my "program".

So Happy One Year vegan anniversary to me!

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Liberty Kisses Justice


A bit late in saying "Yay!!!", but here's to the CA Supreme Court deciding in favor of my right to marry. People keep asking me if I'm going to run off and get married on June 16th, when the County Clerks office will be able to begin doing licenses. The answer is a clear and resounding NO. During that amazing few weeks in SF in 2004 when Mayor Newsom "overstepped his bounds," (per the same CA Supreme Court) and opened SF City Hall so we could get married, we eloped. We threw an overnight bag in the car, drove 3 hours to SF, not knowing what we'd find, stood on line for 4 hours (and we were lucky as the momentum was just starting to build as it was Day 2 of the SF marriages as well as a holiday so City Hall was only opened to marry us). We had no friends or family there, no party, got no presents and didn't go on a honeymoon.


This time I want to plan a wedding, drop thousands of dollars on a place, a ceremony a ripping party and a honeymoon. And I wouldn't mind getting wedding presents. So obviously this is going to take some saving and some planning. But I vision the day, the place, having my family and friends there, Tara's family and friends there and a joyful day had by all followed by a honeymoon....I'd love to get back to Hawaii after being there for the one and only time to Kauai in 2000.

And of course the haters are trying to get a measure on the CA ballot for November that will write into the constitution that we can't be married. And I still don't even understand how my getting married threatens their marriage, their institution...it's sort of like, if you don't believe in gay marriage, don't marry a queer. Seems pretty simple to me.


But anyway, Tara emailed me this graphic and it really says it all to me. Yeehaw!

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

I've Been Inspired in a Techno Yoga Sort of Way

On May 13, 2008, I, Maddy Avena discovered yoga podcasts. Yes it's true. "Podcast" was a hum I heard on the peripheral edges of my awareness, but I didn't relate to it in my life. Lately, in my home practice I've been prefering taking my now three Shiva Rea CD sets and mixing different flows from them. I like it because I get to situate myself in the choicest spot in the very small area I have to work within and I know the flows, the poses and their names, how to flow into and out of them, as I come up on my 4th anniversary of having a yoga practice.

Back to discovering yoga podcasts: I have been sharing with a small group of women new to me on the Weight Watchers message boards. One of them mentioned a yoga teacher she liked and she is a teacher and teaches Vinyassa yoga. His name is Eoin Finn. He lives in Vancouver, BC, is a surfer and one that breed of beautiful men that I like sometimes. I downloaded his podcasts and have done a few "classes" with him. I like the things he says, his pitch and tone of voice and the challenges I meet in the practices. I am happy to have these new things on my iPod via the miracle of this wondrous internet.
Sometimes I feel these tendrils, spider-webbish that spin from my mind, body, heart, spirit out through this medium and my tendrils come in contact with all these others and magic comes into this pretty room I sit in interracting with this beautiful otherworld. I think the universe that exists on my yoga mat is mirrored here infront of this rectangular screen. The Ancient Meets, Greets and Sees the Merits of The Modern World.

Back to discovering yoga podcasts: Then I thought, "Eoin Finn is not the only person offering free yoga podcasts on the internet. I bet there are dozens, maybe hundreds of yoga podcasts...maybe more." So I start at the iTunes store and discover Yoga Journal podcasts. My crappy high speed connection has been downloading all of those for hours now.

Something in me is changing in relationship to fitness. I'm aware, much of the time, of observing myself and my desire to keep improving my level of fitness; to keep toning, keep being able to deepen my yoga practice, run farther than I could before. I don't find myself often doing something in a maintenance way of "use it or you'll lose it" in my yoga practice or hiking or running because I "should" rather because it's this upswelling inside me to move into the core of my body, to really live here. Eoin Finn touched that place in me and today when I was doing "Funky Navasana", a variation of Boat Pose, knees, legs lifted off the floor, as straitened as I can get them, hips and legs canted to the left, torso slightly twisted, hands clasped in front, thumbs and forefingers pointing away, arms fully forward, extending upper body to the right. And then the other side. And then 3 more times each side. And I feel this fierce joy in me that I can do this at all afer all that I put this body through for so many years. Through a blissful practice with what feels like a genuine beautiful spirit manifest in male form, I deepen. I improve.

And there is so much out there.

And I have just discovered it.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Pacha Mama's Performance at the Willits Methodist Church

I am so very proud of my drum students. We had our second performance at the Willits Methodist church last Sunday for the monthly Soul Cafe and may I just say that Pacha Mama blew the roof off of the Methodist Church. We have yet to be the headliner act and have our picture on the poster, but I can see that that may be coming next year. Including me there were 12 of us; ranging in age from 12 to 62. The more advanced students, my Tuesday class all performed with just one person declining.

We performed our signature piece Kpatcha (pronounced Pacha), a five bell part using the double bells from Ghana called Gonkogui bells. We started the piece in the entryway and marched up the aisle onto the stage, all playing Part 1, then on my call broke into the five parts.





After playing Kpatcha, my four valient beginners who dared to perform came on stage and we played our favorite 6/8 rhythm called Yan Valu. I admit, we had a "plant" in the audience; the lithesome Melinda Clarke, local dance teacher, got up and started dancing and encouraging others to get up and dance. Many of our friends were in the audience and they immeditately complied. There were 20 or more people dancing in front of the stage and in the aisles. The old school church ladies sat stiffly in varying amounts of horror, but I think they got over it and if not? It wasn't church, it was The Soul Cafe; Bringing the Communinty Together Through the Spirt of Music and that's what we did!





I couldn't stop Yan Valu after 5 minutes of playing, as I had promised the beginner students, because the dancing was just too wonderful but at about 7 minutes it was time to move on. One of my beginner students, the amazing Rosie, stayed on for Haitian Merengue and the other three left the stage. We switched to the higher energy 4/4 rhythm and more people got up to dance. The best part of all for me was that Starr, my most long term student and I were to improvise off each other; me on two drums and she on three drums, standing and playing with sticks. After 1/2 a year of trying to teach my Tuesday (advanced) class how to improvise and move towards soloing, my shining Starr did so and did it in style. We tore the roof off the Methodist Church in that 7 minutes. The energy was so high I felt like I was flying.
As usual, all the stress of getting ready for our 15 minutes (literally) of fame; which was 2 months of Friday rehearsals was rewarded in an exhilirating experience, I do believe for all involved in the long road leading to the performance.
And True Grit doesn't begin to cover it: Lily sprained her hand two weeks before the performance and played anyway. Tara, who's been battling staph pushed through. Rosie and Linda came to every rehearsal and class from an hour away in two different directions. And the core of Pacha Mama; Starr, Louise, Kimball, Lily, PJ, Kathy, Tara and myself rode again; each time getting more solid; each time growing as a group.
One of the sweetest parts of all of it is that I started a Send a Drum Sister To Camp fundraising project to raise scholarship money for any of my students who want to go to Born To Drum Women's Drum camp this July and we raised $144 at our performance, raising the fund to $250 so far. That money will make the difference for some students to go to camp vs not being able to consider it.

My vision of 1) birthing a drum circle and 2) creating a Willits Women's Conga Conspiracy is coming more and more manifest. And I believe our drumming heals something in the hearts and spirits of all who experience us. Including us. Blessed Be!

Friday, May 02, 2008

What Was (to me) a Sobering Truth About Maintaining

The Weight Watcher's site has an illuminating article about exercise titled,
"Exercise Recommendations for Calorie-Burning Activity"
I'm just going to copy and paste the entire article here in my blog and hope the Corporation doesn't sue me for sharing free information. For acknowledgment purposes, the original article can be linked to here.

APRIL, 2006 - People often ask, "How much exercise should I be doing?" While this seems like a straightforward question, the answer is, "It depends on what you're trying to achieve." Exercise recommendations vary depending on the desired benefit. For example, the amount of exercise required for lasting weight loss and cardiovascular benefits is considerably more than the amount needed for general health benefits like lower blood pressure and stress reduction.

Right here the "ahas" started for me. I've been maintaining my goal weight with normal small ups and downs for over two years now. However, the amount and intensity level of the exercise I get has increased steadily over that time. Sometimes I have wondered where my "ceiling" is; meaning, how far can I go? How much can I push? Is it a finite amount? Have I already reached it? Am I working my body towards wearing out knees, elbows, shoulders, ankles? Is the intensity of the cardio I do good for my heart or bad?

While this article doesn't answer those questions, it does give parameters for how much a person has to workout to maintain their weight loss. I think this information is key for me not regaining my weight. I do lots of maintenance care to my joints now so that they can continue to carry me on my fitness journey for a long time to come, because the truth is that I love to eat and I am sure not eating like I did on the weight loss program. How I needed to eat to lose wasn't a set of conditions that I was readily going to choose for how I would relate to food for the rest of my life. I am a person to whom food is a great pleasure, love on a plate, art, communion with the life force and quite frankly, something I think an inordinate amount about. I don't want to change that about how I live my life. I was willing to not eat pasta for 2 years to lose. I was willing to eat huge volumes of vegetables and ration my bread. But I found that willingness with a codicil which was: This is how I get thin. This is not, cannot be how I stay thin! So therein comes my fitness program; this ever evolving, changing, growing part of my daily life. I will confess to sometimes looking at my heart rate monitor as I'm running up a long hill counting off the cookie calories I ate the night before. Burn 81 calories, "There's one cookie," Burn another 81 calories, "There's another cookie," and so on. And so far so good. It's working. I'm holding pretty darned steady at 150+/-. And that's right where I want to be.

(Below, is the article in total with footnotes at the bottom.)

Health Benefits
According to the Surgeon General's Report and the 2005 Dietary Guidelines for Americans, adults can derive the general health benefits from doing at least 30 minutes of moderate intensity activity (e.g. brisk walking, biking) most days of the week.1 For most people, this level of activity translates into burning around 150-200 calories per exercise session.

Weight Management Benefits
For weight loss, the American College of Sports Medicine (ACSM) recommends 200-300 minutes or 2000 calories per week. This translates into 60 minutes of daily activity and burning around 300-400 calories per exercise session.2,3
To prevent weight regain, the Dietary Guidelines for Americans relied on a growing body of research to make the recommendation of 60-90 minutes of daily moderate-intensity activity, burning around 400-500 calories per exercise session. This level of activity was also found among those enrolled in the National Weight Control Registry (NWCR). Participants in the Registry, which includes individuals who have lost at least 30 pounds and kept it off for more than a year, report expending over 2,500 calories per week doing physical activity which also translates into burning around 400-500 calories per exercise session.
To prevent excess weight gain, the International Association for the Study of Obesity (IASO) recommends 45-60 minutes of moderate intensity activity each day. The Dietary Guidelines have similar goals, recommending 60 minutes of moderate-to-vigorous-intensity activity on most days of the week. 4 Not all studies support this high of a goal, however. A 2004 study found that 30 minutes of moderate intensity activity (the equivalent of walking 12 miles per week) was sufficient to prevent weight gain.5


Fitness Benefits
Many people believe that being physically active automatically equates to cardiovascular fitness. To optimize fitness levels, the body must be regularly stressed to reach peak physical condition. To become physically fit, the ACSM recommends a comprehensive activity plan which includes 30-45 minutes of vigorous activity at least three days a week for cardio-respiratory fitness, regular stretching for joint flexibility, and resistance training to maintain muscular strength and endurance. These recommendations mean burning 500 calories or more per exercise session.

The Bottom Line
Exercise goals depend on personally-determined health goals and abilities. When beginning an exercise program, a good strategy is to start with the recommendations for health benefits, then progress through the different recommendations until the desired outcome is achieved.


FOOTNOTES
1 Surgeon General's Report on Physical Activity and Health.

2Jakicic JM, Clark K, Coleman E, Donnelly JE, Foreyt J, Melanson E, Volek J, Volpe SL; American College of Sports Medicine. American College of Sports Medicine position stand. Appropriate intervention strategies for weight loss and prevention of weight regain for adults. Med Sci Sports Exerc. 2001 Dec;33(12):2145-56.

3Jakicic JM, Otto AD. Physical activity considerations for the treatment and prevention of obesity. Am J Clin Nutr. 2005 Jul;82(1 Suppl):226S-229S.

4Saris WH, Blair SN, van Baak MA, Eaton SB, Davies PS, Di Pietro L, Fogelholm M, Rissanen A, Schoeller D, Swinburn B, Tremblay A, Westerterp KR, Wyatt H. How much physical activity is enough to prevent unhealthy weight gain? Outcome of the IASO 1st Stock Conference and consensus statement. Obes Rev. 2003 May;4(2):101-14.

5Cris A. Slentz, PhD; Brian D. Duscha, MS; Johanna L. Johnson, MS; Kevin Ketchum, MS; Lori B. Aiken, BS; Gregory P. Samsa, PhD; Joseph A. Houmard, PhD; Connie W. Bales, PhD, RD; William E. Kraus, MD Effects of the Amount of Exercise on Body Weight, Body Composition, and Measures of Central Obesity. Arch Intern Med. 2004;164:31-39.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

More on Food Preparedness: The Pantry

Yesterday I listed some of the things in my vegan pantry and refrigerator; mostly things that I make but you don't have to make; that you can buy too, that help to quickly throw something together for a fabulous meal that actually represents and tastes like many hours spent in the kitchen.
I stopped at pantry staples, so I'm going to list the things in my pantry that are my go-to items with some regularity.
  • flours: white, whole wheat pastry, garbanzo, cornmeal
  • baking: baking powder and soda, cocoa powder, molasses, raw sugar, chocolate chips
  • vinegars: balsamic, white, cider and rice
  • sweetners: agave, maple syrup, raw sugar, molasses
  • pastas: from spaghetti to little shells, about 5 different kinds. I like Barilla pasta. It comes in great shapes
  • Israeli couscous (that's the big kind that you have to boil), regular couscous
  • grains: basmati, brown and arborio rice, barley, quinoa
  • quick oats
  • spices and herbs: Mexican: chili powder, cumin, lime juice; Indian: curry, turmeric, garam masala, ginger, Asian; five spice, tamari, ginger; Italian: thyme, Italian herb blend, garlic and onion powder, Kosher salt, black pepper, bay leaf, parsley; Baking: nutmeg, cinnamon, ginger, allspice, clove, vanilla extract (These are my most "go to" herbs and spices)
  • unhulled sesame seeds, salt, cashews, almonds, pecans
  • nutritional yeast
  • corn starch
  • green and red lentils, garbanzos, navy and cannellini beans, adzuki beans (dried)
  • summer veggies dehydrated and stored in jars. (corn kernels, green beans and summer squash is what I have now) dried wild mushrooms.
  • kelp powder, nori seaweed
  • wine both red and white
  • Vitasoy Light soymilk (my favorite for sauces and baking), light coconut milk
  • Refrigerated: tahini, peanut and cashew butters, kalamata olives, sundried tomatoes in oil, vital wheat gluten
  • Frozen: spinach, peas, blueberries

These are the basic staples in my pantry, refrigerator and freezer. With these things added to the list of yesterday, I can, with the addition of fresh produce, make just about anything.

Monday, April 21, 2008

Some Thoughts on Preparing Food and Preparedness in General

I've been contemplating something for my book but the days have just spun by and I haven't opened a Word document to record anything, so maybe it'll work here. I don't know why this format works for me so much better, inspires me so much more than the totally insular MS Word or pen and paper in a real journal; something I haven't done in so many years, I sincerely doubt I can....I've lost the ability to write with a pen anything more complex than quick notes and grocery lists. It's as if my creative pathways need my ten fingers and both my hands to express. And I think that's OK, just another of life's mysteries to ponder, but I digress (she says as she sees in her mind's eye a Maddylion circling around the subject that wants to be at hand.)

I've been thinking about food; cooking vegan food in particular. I make amazing food. It is my artform and I know that everyone isn't as easy in the kitchen as I am, nor do they run as high of a success percentage as I do. I read stories of cooking flops on the veggieboard regularly and I watch my nearest and dearest fumble in the kitchen to create something that I perceive as rather simple. And I know I am blessed with a talent and an ability, in terms of creating food, to see in three dimensions, maybe four and I know this is a gift. So I'm allegedly writing a book of my journey to weightloss and maintenance including a cookbook and I doubt my ability to reach a wide audience because this comes so easily to me and I know it doesn't to everyone or even most people.

So I've been looking at the mechanics of what I do with food and keep circling back to this pre-preparing thing that I do. If I do something almost every day, there are always base ingredients already prepared in my refrigerator or pantry for me to easily draw on to create a meal. I totally believe in the maxim Work smart not hard, and let my wonderful kitchen appliances do most of the work. I'm a great proponant of letting the stove or the oven cook dinner while I do something else. Standing over a stove to "stir constantly" is really something I don't spend a whole lot of time on. I also think that preparedness can create a Saturday night "for company" quality meal on a Wednesday night after teaching drum class until 5:00. So here's a list of some of the things that I regularly have on hand and what I do to have or create them. Not all of these things are or need to be home made. I just like home made things better because I get to choose what's in them and what they taste like.

Bread crumbs: I love making gratins. Breadcrumbs are essential for gratins. If I don't happen to have stale ciabatta bread around, then I'll just take out 4 slices of Rudi's multigrain oat bread, let them sit out for the day and get stale, or cut them into cubes and bake for 30 minutes in a 200 degree oven and then let the cubes sit out until all the bread is hard and crunchy. I do the same with stale ciabatta, but you don't need ciabatta to make breadcrumbs. Regular sandwich bread will work in a pinch. Once the bread is hard and stale, I put the cubes in my little Braun hand chopper and zip them up into crumbs. These crumbs then go in a mason jar in the pantry. Jar must be absolutely dry inside. Crumbs will last for months.

Beans: This isn't necessarily a make from scratch for me. Quick cooking legumes like lentils are a staple in my pantry and a lovely dal or other lentil dish can be whipped up in less than an hour unlike most other beans. So I "cheat" and have many cans of beans of different types in my pantry. Staples are Pinto, Black, Garbanzo and some kind of White beans. With a can of Garbanzos, a grrl can whip up falafels in very short order. With a can of Pintos, a grrl can create a Mexican meal, with a can of White beans a grrl can add texture and protein to a baked pasta or whip up a yummy garlic, lemon dip or sandwich filling. I buy canned organic beans on sale and rarely pay more than $1 for a 15 oz can.

Vegetable Broth: Making my own vegetable broth has become an essential. I control what veggies go in the broth and that totally affects the taste of any seitan projects I endeavor as well as how a soup or sauce or stew will taste. Vegetable broth is easy: Big pot, lots of alliums (onions and garlic; onions cut in half, garlic crushed, no need to peel, 3 or more carrots broken into pieces, a rib or two of celery, a handful of dried parsley, a bay leaf, some salt, some olive oil, about six cups of water, and some dried wild mushrooms if you are so inclined. Simmer for an hour or two on the back burner. Strain, squeeze out vegetables before discarding and voila! Easy, inexpensive and very very useful in the pre-prepare context.

Seitan: I make my own, but again, if this isn't how you can spend your time, there are many choices out there to buy prepackaged. For me, making seitan is an artform and I am now making it from a recipe that actually takes 3 hours from start to finish; with one hour being the dough resting and 1 1/2 hours being the seitan simmering, but a good half hour to prepare the dough if you are starting from scratch with the vegetable broth already made (see above). If you are making your own vegetable broth, which to me is essential as how you flavor your broth totally affects the taste of your seitan, then you've got a half day project. But don't let that daunt you. Setting up a vegetable broth to simmer takes about 5 minutes and then the stove does all the work. Having seitan already made, sitting in its lovely broth in my fridge gives me a quick, low fat protein to throw into whatever I choose, make "pulled seitan", barbeque sandwiches, breaded and fried slices with lemon, chopped and sauted in cumin and chili peppers for burrito "meat"....the possibilities are vast. And the broth the seitan has cooked in is a great base for sauces.

Seitan Sausages: Much easier to make than traditional seitan are seitan sausages. I admit, I use more oil in them than when I started because the oil just makes the texture "right", but still I'm not going into cardiac arrest land with 2 Tbsp of olive oil instead of 1 spread out over 6 servings. Seitan sausages benefit from strongly flavored broth. For the Italian style, I use a very garlicy broth with tomatoes cooked in it. For Asian style, a gingery, oniony broth works well. For breakfast sausages, a more all-around veggie broth works great. I make the Italian style most often as I do seem to cook more Italian/Mediterranean style dishes than anything else and I just like them the best. Seitan sausage dough is made similarly to traditional seitan (with the addition of different things: tomato sauce for the Italian, minced shiitakes and ginger powder for the Asian, maple syrup for the breakfast style), but instead of simmering in stock, you roll them into sausage lengths (2 servings per sausage) and roll tightly in heavy duty foil and bake for an hour in a 325 oven, turning once. On a Tuesday night, when drum class students don't all leave sometimes until close to 7:00, it is so easy to throw together a vegan pizza with a pizza shell, homemade tomato sauce, roasted veggies and some Italian seitan sausages, cut into coins.

Roasted Vegetables: I can easily eat a whole eggplant as a snack if the slices were peeled and roasted with a little olive oil spray and salt. I regularly roast eggplant and zucchini together and have on hand to throw on a pizza, toss into a baked pasta or add to a burrito. I roast in a 350 convection oven, but a 375 regular oven works just fine. I take cookie sheets, spray them with Spectrum organic olive oil spray, then lay out the veggies, spray with oil spray and sprinkle with salt: eggplant peeled and sliced 1/2", zucchini slices a little smaller than 1/2", cremini mushrooms halved or quartered if they are very big, baby carrots, whole, broccoli and cauliflower cut into med/small sized florets, to name a few things. You can roast onions, asparagus, garlic, some people I know roast kale....I've not tried that. What I've observed is that zucchini and eggplant take 15 minutes on one side, then I flip them and roast for another 10 minutes on the other side. Cauliflower and broccoli take about 10 minutes total, maybe 15 depending on how large your florets are. They need to be stirred/turned once too. Mushrooms and asparagus take 10 minutes and they're done. Baby carrots take about 10 minutes and need to be turned once. Onions take about 20, turned once. Roasted veggies can be stored in the refrigerator for several days.

Tomato Sauce and Canned Tomatoes: OK, I garden. I grow lots of tomatoes. I spend the entire month of September canning and the bulk of that canning is tomato sauce and roasted, canned tomatoes. You don't need a garden to do canning; just a good source of tomatoes in the peak of their season, which here in Northern CA is late summer, usually September. The easiest sauce and way to can tomatoes that I know of is to roast the tomatoes. I thank my veggieboard friend Lauren forever for this easy recipe: Cut tomatoes into wedges and fill several baking pans. You can put sliced eggplant, zucchini, onions, garlic and basil, or any combination of these things UNDER the tomatoes while they roast. Sprinkle with salt. Roast in a 250 degree oven for about 2 1/2 hours. You don't have to do anything except turn the top tomatoes under if you wish, but you don't have to. A little char on the top adds magic to the final product. After 2 1/2 hours, the tomatoes should be carmelizing on top and the liquid that cooking created has reduced some. If you're canning them as tomatoes, you're done: Put into prepared pint jars and can in a hot water bath for 20 mintues. For sauce, you're simply going to pour the tomatoes into a large sauce pan, cook down until liquid reduces by 1/3 and zip up with your immersion blender, or do it the old fashioned way by pouring into a food processor or blender and zipping up until smooth. Then can by pouring hot sauce into prepared pint jars and immersing in a hot water bath for 20 minutes. (The canning instructions are vague, I know. PLEASE get a simple canning book so you do it right and don't spoil your hard work. Sunset publishes a great How-To canning book. It's the only one I've ever owned or needed.)
And if you just don't have the time for this sort of work, then keeping some cans of whole tomatoes and jars of fat free tomato sauce on hand is very useful.

So let's call this the end of Part I of Cooking Preparedness. There is a lot more, but more basic pantry supplies that I can just list out, I'll do another time. It's becoming a lovely day out there and I need to get my shoes on and go hike.

Thursday, April 17, 2008

A Followup on My Gestalt with my Inner Teenager and My Body

I was successful in my endeavor to eschew extra chocolate, soy lattes and Sahale snacks (as per my request in my letter to my inner teenager and my body). All the parts of self had really agreed to do this and by the next Wednesday, I was right ON 150 and the next week I was down to 149 where I have been for my last two weigh ins. When I saw the 150.zip, my inner teenager insisted on getting on the scale about ten more times to see if 149.8 would stick, because that was where the treats could resume. No dice. I could see her shrug her shoulders, stuff her hands in her pockets and walk away. Compliance can be such a beautiful thing when done in the style of a teenager.

But then something else happened. My drum teacher Carolyn Brandy was coming the weekend of April 5th and 6th to hold the rescheduled workshop that we had cancelled due to Tara's surgery and after all the stress I'd been under, it was no surprise to me that I felt like I'd been invaded by a respiratory bug. My yoga teacher and another student in class had it and despite all my immunity boosters and my own rock solid immune system, I was invaded. What I've noticed over the past 10 or so years is that when I get a respiratory bug, I very rarely get sneezing and nose blowing and ear stuff....it goes right for my chest and I get bronchitis.

I was holding my own and the weekend was a blast, despite my prevailing exhaustion that I attributed to this bug. Besides waking in the morning with a sore throat every day, I didn't seem to be getting worse. I attribute that to Zicam zinc nasal gel which I had been using religiously since feeling invaded. However, I did feel that creeping towards my chest feeling that in the past so easily turns into bronchitis.

On Sunday, someone passed me a joint and I said, "No thanks. I don't think it's a good idea for me to smoke today." I'm a regular smoker of the sacred herb and haven't taken a break from it in many years. The next day on our ROARS group the weekly challenge was about pulling weeds in your garden. What is something you do that keeps you from your creativity, your success, your full engagement in your life? For the person throwing the challenge, it was TV. For someone else it was the All or Nothing Lizard. For me, since I was already one day on a marijuana fast, I decided to keep going; to not smoke for the rest of the week.

I laugh at myself now, (the teenager again) who pointed out that since we started on Sunday instead of Monday, we only had to go through Saturday night, not Sunday night. And so I embarked on what has been the longest fast from my nighttime relaxing, softening-the-edges-of-things-agent since I was about 18. Why did I choose this "weed"? Partly because I'd been thinking about it for a while and I think I needed to prove to myself that I could. I've proved so many things to myself over these past 4+ years and I do truly like being in growth even if it's hard. If I waited to have less stress in my life to remove one of my perceived stress relievers, I'd probably be waiting for a long time. And it just felt right. It just felt like a good thing to do. And so I did.

The week came and went and I learned many things. I learned that the thought of not smoking my few puffs at night was far worse than actually not doing it. I learned that the only time I had a craving was in those hours that were where my habit lived; between 7:00 and 9:00 pm. I learned that the cravings were just cravings and they passed. This was NOTHING like quitting tobacco and certainly nothing like trying to quit caffeine, an endeavor I have never been successful at and frankly hope I never have to. I concluded that smoking MJ was a habit, not an addiction of the body and that any dependence that I thought I had on it was mostly psychological. And that realization was a relief. It leaves me feeling a certain amount of liberation. And I think the trickiest thing I learned is that the story I have been telling myself as to why I use MJ just isn't true: I have been telling myself that MJ softens my edges that tend to get ragged and sharp by the end of the day. That in the Way of Maddy, which is to go pretty deeply into many aspects of my life, I needed to soften those edges. The truth is, during these stressful times a hot bath, a hot tub, some TV, a book or just going to bed early goes the distance to soothe those edges. I learned that not smoking didn't really do anything to enhance my creativity and my productivity; that once I hit the after dinner hours, my body and brain were winding down regardless. And a nice side effect of this fast? I've been doing a whole lot less night time eating which has resulted in the loss my inner teenager has been waiting for. I'm back under 150 lbs and we've been joyfully stopping at the coffee place this week and enjoying our soy lattes again.

And one more teenager thing: When I said I hadn't really taken a break from smoking since I was 18, I was a teenager at 18, on my own in San Francisco, living my dream of being a hippie (albeit in the late '70's) who, when offered a smoke would toss my head arrogantly and reply, "No thanks. I'm high on life."

PS: It's day 12 and I am still not smoking. Have I "quit"? I don't feel like that is the paradigm I'm operating in. It feels like when I started eating vegan, I started by saying, "I think I'll have a vegan day today," That way there was no failure. There was no "blowing it." There was just a choice I was making day by day. I made a commitment for one week that has turned into "I'll think I'll eschew smoking tonight," and those nights, surprisingly to me, keep stringing together.

All and all it's been a good thing to do and I am grateful for whatever it is in me that allows me to learn/grow/change.

It's FINALLY (er, ALMOST) Spring!

Last Saturday it was in the 80's. Sunday it was in the high 70's. I thought Spring has really graced us, but Sunday night, just 500 ft higher than my 2000 ft, it snowed or hailed depending on where you were. Where we were it was just dang cold and there has been frost every morning since Monday.

But that's not what I'm writing about. I'm writing about the change of seasons intersecting with reaching into a drawer of summer clothes, namely last year's new long shorts that Tara had bought me, pulling them out, having my heart rate increase slightly as I approached the moment of truth: It's been six months since these shorts have zipped up over my hips. Will they still zip up in a nice way? Have I truly maintained over this long, long, complicated winter?

I took a deep breath. I stepped in with my right foot, then my left. I pulled them up. I reached for the zipper and up it came, snap closing and voila! Just as perfectly hugging my behind as they were the last time I wore them in about October. After the feeling the sweet relief of my mind's eye matching my outer world, I did a little victory dance and then had to go run out and tell my wife.

Thursday, April 03, 2008

Some Gestalt: Another Letter to My Parts

Dear Body and Inner Teenager,
Let me just say that I dearly love you both. I feel, however, that I must address some behavior that has been going on since you two have been in cahoots.

Body, I know you are really wise and you have worked so very hard to be happy and healthy. I feel that I must remind you the price you/we must pay for you to keep this vibrancy, slimness and health that you/we now enjoy.

Body, we need to rein in the snacking. It's getting out of control. In the last few weeks you've consumed a fair number of soy lattes. That's about 8 oz of full fat soy milk per drink. That's over 100 calories that have been added to our repetoire. And the Sahale snacks. Yes. They are delicious and habit forming and yes, you have been very good in only eating them one serving in a sitting which is commendable. HOWEVER, each serving is an extra 130 calories that seem to have been added to our repetoire. And the chocolate: It's FINE to have ONE serving of chocolate a day. That's our agreement, but one serving of Chocolove 70% is 160 calories and then adding a serving of chocolate chips is another 70 calories and adds up to more than 1 serving a day. So right there is a potential 300 extra calories which includes a lot of extra fat a day that are contributing to this slow gain we've been experiencing. Can we make a deal? Let's cut all three of those things out: latte, Sahale snacks and extra chocolate until we get back under the magic number of 150. Once we're under we can have ONE extra a day. Not two and not three and not every day. Agree? Good.

And inner teenager. I love you more vastly and hugely than I could ever express. You are the No-no Grrl and the spice in my life is so much of your doing. And I'm happy that you have such a good best friend in Body, but I have to ask you to stop daring Body to push the edges with food every day. Please stop this double dog dare thing you've been doing. She/I/we can't afford to start an upward weight spiral.

I want to gently but firmly ask you to push some different edges like going new places and doing new things. Remember our old deal? Push edges outward, not inward. Inward is sabotage. Outward is questioning the way things are. The latter is good. The former does us harm. If you're bored, talk to me. Tell me what you'd like and I'll see if I can manage it. I have to ask you to stop encouraging Body to be a No-no. That is behavior I can't allow.

I'd like to reiterate that I dearly love and cherish both of you and don't want you to feel bad about yourselves because you are truly good, right and beautiful. It's just this behavoir I'm noticing that needs to shift and I know you can both do that.

Thank you both.
love,
Maddy

Saturday, March 29, 2008

Almost Five Weeks Since Surgery

Monday will be five weeks. Tara has completed one month and has begun her second month of recovery from her vaginally assisted laproscopic hysterectomy.

She is starting her second round of Septra for the antibiotic resistant staph infection she got in the hospital.

She is starting to experience the hormone crash that we now know is pretty customary a month out from a complete hysterectomy.

She has been repeatedly humbled by how not ready her body is to reingage with her full and complicated life.

And I am so very tired.

My house is getting more and more messy and cluttered.

The proverbial "to do" list just gets longer and longer.

I am earning income for two and the fact that I've been able to do that is a gift, as I work on commission, and I am grateful for the blessing of this, but I'm tired.

I'm tired of being on yellow alert.
I'm tired of no sex.
I'm tired of doing all the chores that I can manage which is twice as much as I usually do.

And my heart breaks for my beloved who is finally feeling in her emotional body the loss of her reproductive organs.

I'm tired of being angry at her parents for not keeping her safe and healthy as a child which is what has led to every physical prices she has had to pay as an adult which of course includes her kidney removal 3 years ago and this hysterectomy almost five weeks ago.

I want us to get to have a long, happy life together.
I'm tired of being scared that that is not going to happen because her body is not up to the endeavor.

The flush of relief and gratitude that flooded me when I was told that there was no cancer is merely an intellectual memory now. I am tired, tired, tired.

I am tired of people emailing me and asking me how Tara is. I told someone I dearly love and respect in an email last night that I didn't really want to engage the question and she should email Tara and ask her directly. Until that moment, I hadn't realized the depth of my feeling invisible and my resentment at continuing to be some kind of point person to tell people how Tara is doing.

I feel childish and selfish to want people to see me and ask if they can do anything for me. And because I feel childish and selfish, I don't ask for it and I just keep plodding along.

"Oh my goodness! Thanks for asking! I sure could use someone to come in and deep clean my house! I sure could use someone to do some heavy gardening work that my back just can't handle. I sure could use a day at the beach with you, my friend, walking for miles, having a meal out and just talking and being light and easy. I sure could use that. Thanks for asking."

I want Ellie to come out here from PA and spend a week with me: going to Harbin and spending time here too; going to do that walk on the beach and the meal out, go shopping in Ft. Bragg, etc.

But most of all I want Tara to be well and whole. I want her to come to peace about her loss and start the next phase of healing which is learning how to support her body and live vibrantly without a uterus, a cervix, fallopian tubes or ovaries. I want us to be able to have our sex life back. I want her to be able to reingage fully and joyfully with her one beautiful life and with me.

I want to stop being so very tired.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008